the body of christ
Being raised Catholic—and therefore having reached adulthood psychotic—I was taught that priests had the power to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ. Not the symbolic body and blood as represented in other Christian sects' communion ceremonies—the Catholic doctrine of transubstantiation teaches that once a priest utters the prescribed phrases and waves his child-molesting hands over the bread and wine, these humble items LITERALLY transform into Christ's REAL body and blood, although they still look remarkably like bread and wine, and I'll bet a science lab would say the same thing.
Once these flavorless wafers are thus gorily alchemized, the priest places these alleged chunks of Christflesh onto the faithful's tongues, whereby Jesus enters the bloodstream and presumably dampens your desire to keep wacking off so much.
As an altar boy, my duty was to hold a golden ping-pong-paddle-shaped disk under the communicants' throats to insure that no Christ Crumbs would fall to the floor and be trampled 'neath the sinners' feet. After the eucharistic ceremony was over, the priest would use a hand towel to brush the Christ Crumbs and unused Jesus Wafers back into a "ciborium" or some such Latin-sounding device. He would then place it all back in a tabernacle to ensure no one would hurt the poor little defenseless deity.
Assuming I'm just a scoffer and the Catholics are right about all this, I have some questions:
1) If a believer has bad breath, can Jesus smell it when he's placed in their mouth?
2) How do you know what part of Jesus you're getting? A piece of bicep would be OK, but I don't want to be munching on his scrotum or the bottom of his feet, divine or not.
3) Does Jesus stay in your body forever, or is he eventually digested? And if the latter, is it a sin to wipe Jesus from your ass?
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Apropos the subject at hand, here's something I wrote about Catholic schoolgirls.
