ass-blasted
Today, dear friends, I dropped my pants, lifted my legs, and received a high colonic.
My lifelong wrestling match with my digestive system took a decisive turn this afternoon. After surveying the competition, I opted for Portland's least-expensive and most-Earth Mothery practitioner of this gentle art of aquatic ass-blasting. She and her gray ponytail greeted me in her small office whose walls featured pro-Womyn tapestries dedicated to "goddess" and "post-menopausal zest!"
She led me to The Beast, an unsettling combo of gynecological chair and high-tech commode. She proferred a clear plastic tube the width of a drinking straw. She also handed over a foil packet of K-Y jelly, instructing me to jam the lubed tube about four inches up my Holy Rectum. She discreetly left the room, and after I completed said jamming, I placed my legs astride the machine, discreetly covered my naughty bits with a towel, and summoned her back to turn on the water.
Over forty-five minutes, roughly five gallons of aqua viva were pumped up my poop chute. In a further stroke of feminization, my stomach became distended with water as if I was pregnant. The colon lady would walk into the room every five minutes, making it difficult for me to feel comfy letting loose with chunky brown asswater while she hovered over me. But soon enough I could bear no more. BRAPP!! FLARP!!! SPLAB!!! all while she quizzed me about my dietary habits. The machine was thoughtfully designed with clear disposal pipes so I could watch my watery waste swishing away.
After spraying my turd-splattered butt with a hose, I zipped up my pants and took a bus home. As I neared my stop, I realized I would need to "release" again...SOON. Each pothole brought agony to my asshole. I rushed up to my apartment and flung myself on the crapper...a huge wet hippo spray emitted from me and hit not only the toilet, but all nearby environs. Cookie walked in and began lapping it up off the floor as if it were a hearty beef stew.
I feel feverish and have a headache that's so bad, I feel like hammering nails into the wall with my skull.
Wish me well.
