sex predators sell ice cream, pay debt to society
BROWNSVILLE, TX—Proponents of a controversial sex-offender diversionary program here claim that everyone benefits when rapists sell ice cream—the sex offenders learn the positive glow that comes with bringing joy to other human beings, the taxpayers save money on incarceration, and the ice-cream fanatics among us can enjoy high-quality confections at a reasonable price.
But the plan's opponents caution against allowing dangerous rapists and child molesters to interact with ordinary citizens, going so far as to derisively refer to the ice-cream bars as "rapesicles."
Brownsville Circuit Court Judge Eldon Mollusk devised the plan three years ago after facing overcrowded jails and the unsavory prospect of allowing first-time sex offenders to walk free. He mapped out a six-month work-release program for novice offenders, "Ice Cream So They Don't Have to Scream Anymore," whereby newly convicted sexual predators can avoid incarceration by selling ice cream to ordinary citizens in the daytime, and at night engaging in an exhaustive, often physically coercive, psychological remodification program.
"The ice-cream sales pay one hundred percent of the diversionary program's costs," beams Mollusk. "And for every one-dollar bar of ice cream they sell, five cents goes to help defray the costs of their victims—things such as hospital bills, psychiatric medication, heavy makeup—stuff like that."
Lens Kverniksen (pictured) would be sitting in a prison cell right now if it weren't for Judge Mollusk's plan. In what he describes as "a simple bathroom accident," Kverniksen "allowed" a six-year-old boy to masturbate him to orgasm back in 2001, at a time when Kverniksen was 38. Rather than bleeding somewhere in a cellblock, picking up his teeth from the floor after another beating from hardcore convicts, Kverniksen sells ice-cream bars to Brownsville's downtown lunchtime crowd. "Everyone likes ice cream," he says, "and by selling ice cream to everyone, I can maybe get everyone to like me. And I like helping people. Kids even get half-price!"
"We shouldn't be allowing these dirty apes to be selling ice cream to our women and children," says Condoleezza Schwartz, a self-described "lifelong victim of sexual assault." Schwartz claims that she's suffered night tremors, cold sweats, and a mild chafing between her thighs ever since hearing of Judge Mollusk's ice-cream-for-rapists plan. "One night in 1993, I was cornered by a man in a dark alley, and he made me put something awful in my mouth," she says ominously. "Now every time I see someone sucking on a rapesicle, I relive the trauma again. Everyone who eats one of these things is, in effect, raping me all over again."
