jim, jack, & bill
Apart from the fact that they were all insane, every woman I've ever dated has shared another curious trait: a sexual attraction, almost always beginning in childhood, to Jim Morrison, Jack Nicholson, and Bill Murray.
The Jim Morrison fetish is by far the most prevalent and pathological. It's unanimous—every girl I've ever so much as kissed has wanted a piece of the Lizard King. Candlelit bedroom shrines and poster-plastered walls and English-class term papers and memorizing even the worst poems of this bad, bad poet. The obsession seems to flare up most often in the early teen years and then, thankfully, it fades, because I might have to start peeling caps if I'm ever exposed to "An American Prayer" again. Funny—I remember a woman in L. A. telling me she slept with The Doors' stoned songbird while they were both taking a film class in the mid-1960s, and she complained that he was decidedly less reptilian than she had hoped. Even funnier—I remember being arrested for shoplifting a Stones album back in 1980 or so, and as the cops took me away in handcuffs, I pretended to myself that I was rock 'n' roll outlaw Jim Morrison being hassled by "the pigs."
Jack Nicholson, pictured here in perhaps my favorite American film, Five Easy Pieces, is almost toxically charismatic. His appeal is simple—he has a piece of the Devil in him. Accordingly, les jeune filles is always wantin' to jump on Jack's jock and jiggle with his joystick.
Ladies love comedians—the gals' hearts melt and their panties moisten for a funnyman, and I've never met a skirt who didn't have a soft spot for fuzzy Teddy-bearish funny fella Bill Murray. Although he ain't much in the looks department, he makes them laugh, causing their vaginal muscles to loosen and permit easier entry.
Honorable mentions go to Elvis Presley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and (no kidding) Andrew "Dice" Clay. All of these solid peckerwoods have surfaced in the clit-buffin' fantasies of multiple blessed maidens with whom I've shared my sexual juices.
All in all, I approve of their choices. It's further evidence that chicks who are attracted to me have good taste in men.
