lite muslims® offer hope for unified world
CAIRO, EGYPT—Islam is the world's strongest social meme, yet its angry God and strict moral code have prevented it from swallowing up the Western mind like it has spread plaguelike over dumber, less-developed continents.
Now, a student youth movement of self-described "Lite Muslims®" may change all that, offering a version of Islam that is at once mellower and sexier than Westerners have come to expect.
"As depicted in the Holy Koran, Allah has a bit of an anger problem," chuckles Mazin Sami (second from left), an Egyptian graduate student in Islamic Studies shown here sporting some of his "Unisex Muslim Urban Wear" with a group of Arabic runway models. "The Lite Muslim® version of Allah isn't angry—he's perturbed...he's just a little offended by the way things are, that's all. But he's not a hothead, and he definitely doesn't lash out like the old Allah did."
Sami says his new 'n' improved Islam isn't nearly as anti-Semitic as the classic model. "We don't want to kill Jews," he assures me. "We just find them really annoying sometimes. Doesn't everyone?"
Perhaps the biggest selling point for Lite Muslims® is their embrace of Western-style carnality. "Let's put it this way," Sami tells me with a twinkle in his eye, "we don't believe that you should have to wait until you're dead to bag seventy virgins. And women don't have to cover their faces and ankles in public—just don't go wagging your gash around, and we're cool with it."
Sami's watered-down Islam makes its Initial Public Offering on Wall Street next week, and tastemakers predict that the West is finally ready to give Allah a fair shake. "We aim to put a Lite Muslim® mosque in every mall, alongside Starbucks and Hot Topic," Sami beams, "and the whole world will rejoice in the fact that Allah is beneficent, merciful...and pretty darned rad, too."
