Get in line, ye billion-plus Muslims of the world. Open your mouths. One by one, gently yet firmly, I’m going to poop in them. Chew on my poop, swallow it, and digest it. Then get the FUCK out of my face and quit talking all that nonsense. Your God doesn’t exist, and you’re starting to get on my last nerve.

What’s wrong with Muslims, you might ask? Well, they’re illogical, intolerant of free speech or thought, they have atrocious fashion sense, and they smell bad. What’s to like? I won’t even get INTO all the bald logical and scientific contradictions in the Koran nor the fact that Muhammad was routinely banging pre-teens into his fifties. I won’t even give black Americans a hard time for embracing a religion whose practitioners routinely enslaved and abused their African ancestors long before whitey came along. I don’t need to go there. The problem is deeper and more expansive. Islam is a stupid religion, and I’m here to explain why.

Islam’s problem is simple yet deadly: It doesn’t make any sense. The plain fact is that it can’t possibly be true. It’s a crude myth tailor-made for swarthy, stinky dum-dums.

Many people feel the way I do but are afraid to say it. There are others who would classify my words as hate speech. Typically, these sort of people gulp loudly and shit their diapers if you say anything against Judaism or Islam, but they also tend to be the biggest verbal abusers of Christianity. Why? Because they aren’t nearly as AFRAID of what might happen to them if they were to blaspheme the Christian god. They realize that making unflattering comments about the Jewish or Muslim gods can be much more dangerous than saying nasty things about Jesus. The danger, of course, doesn’t come from the imaginary gods, but from the fanatical nutjobs who believe in them.

Fear-filled Western journalists and pundits also struggle to make an imaginary distinction between radical Islam and the purportedly more peaceful mainstream Islam. Such distinctions are useless. I don’t respect ANY of the twigs or branches on the entire Islamic tree, because it’s all based on the same preposterous premise.

Islam proposes that God, Lord of all Creation, is a highly insecure jerkoff who apparently fashioned the universe strictly to piss himself off.

I’ve read huge chunks of the Koran, and it’s as repetitive as a Lil Jon song. Here’s the Koran in a tiny Islamic nutshell:

1. Praise be to Allah, the beneficent and merciful.

2. Worship him and repent and quickly rid yourself of anything remotely fun in your life, or he’ll torture you eternally.

Literally translated into the language of more sensible, clean-smelling people such as us, the word “Islam” means “submission.” This pole-stroker who calls himself “Allah” demands you bend over, spread your ass cheeks, and submit to his unreasonable temper, or else he’ll scorch that ass into the desert sand. Pardon me for breathing, but that simply doesn’t sound all that “beneficent and merciful” to me.

If God was perfect—which God would HAVE to be, or else he wouldn’t be God—he would not, under any circumstances, have his feelings hurt. Neither would he be so gallopingly insecure that he’d force anyone who doesn’t like him to roast forever in molten lava. That’s the way fat girls in high school think.

The idea of an angry God—whether it’s Allah, Jehovah, or some floppy-boobed, swamp-cunted Earth Mother Goddess—is an inherent contradiction. Insecurity would definitely not be among God’s character traits, much less his primary one. Nothing in creation would make God angry, because, after all, he or she created it.

Yet, for something like 1300 years now, Allah has persisted in being a tyrannical rageaholic. What a dillhole. All the other gods think he’s a dillhole, too. He wakes up on the wrong side of the bed every goddamned morning. Who put the bug up your ass anyway, Allah? Can we say, “anger issues”? Hey, Muslims—next time you lay down on your little prayer carpet and face Mecca, can you ask Allah what the hell his problem is? Can you ask him why his self-esteem is so fragile that he demands you fall on the floor and massage his ego FIVE TIMES A DAY? And while we’re at it, why does he forbid pictures of himself? Does he have acne? Bad teeth? Is he fat? If you’re willing to kill me over the mere idea of Allah’s existence, I at least wanna see a Polaroid of him before I convert.

Naturally—because it’s so stupid—the meme-virus called Islam is spreading like HIV among the world’s dumber peoples. Islam is reproducing at EXACTLY the same rate that stupid people are reproducing. Remember, these imbeciles are truly dumb enough to think that when they strap themselves with explosives and blast their innards to smithereens, there will be six dozen virgins waiting on the other side of the tollgate. It takes an appalling level of common-clay caveman cretinism to believe such a thing. If you’re poor and halfway retarded, you will in all likelihood over the next fifty years be wearing a burqa or a beard—maybe both.

I say we've been way too tolerant of stupidity to the point where it’s sucking us all down the drain. I’m all for launching a full-blown scorched-earth jihad on the 98% or so of the world’s inhabitants who are unintelligent.

I wish genital warts upon all the world’s Muslims. May your Islamic naughty bits sprout forth boldly with giant ugly grape clusters of the human papillomavirus, and may your idiot Muslim physicians fail to diagnose the problem correctly until long after it has had serious adverse effects on your dating life.

If there were a sudden worldwide shortage of hummus and Muslims began to drop like the flies that routinely infest their armpits, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash.

And you know what? Allah ain’t gonna do a goddamned thing about what I’m saying, you superstitious sand nigras, ’coz there AIN’T no Allah. He only exists in your malformed raisin-brains. That’s why you feel compelled to seek vengeance on his behalf, because deep in your garlicky-smelling hearts, you realize there IS no Allah.

Go ahead, say it loud and proud:

“Hey, Allah—you can suck my dick!”

“Fuck YOU, Allah, ya dickhead!”

“Allah—you’re a punk bitch!”

“Yo, Allah—kick rocks, scrub!”

See? No thunder from the sky, no frogs falling from heaven. Allah’s no more real than the tooth fairy, you brain-damaged children.

There’s another problem, Islam, and it’s a big one. I simply don’t like your style. I see no use for a religion where you can’t even SEE the women and the men all look like unshaved asses. And the guys wear sandals, OK? If that alone isn’t reason to contemplate reviving the Crusades, I don’t know what is.

The only thing I fear from Muslims is their body odor. When so-called Arab “scholars” tout the presumed scientific and cultural accomplishments of Islamic civilization, you’ll notice that they consistently fail to mention deodorant. Did the Koran declare the word “soap” to be obscene? I declare a fatwa on the way you all smell. I condemn your body odor that’s so overwhelming, it borders on being visible.

OK, I guess Muslims aren’t all bad. They say some cool things about women and Jews, but that’s about it.