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    first thousand hatesnacks

    To this day I remain convinced that all "social networking" sites are designed exclusively for men who insert their penises inside other men's rectums and wiggle them around in order to dislodge excrement for sexual pleasure.

    It was, therefore, with great reluctance and a searing sense of melancholic self-hatred that I finally signed up on Twitter in late April of last year. I saw the 140-character limit as a writing challenge, because even I will acknowlege that even this sentence could have been more succinct.

    After a little more than a week's worth of my bare-nippled foray into "microblogging" had transpired, a person who had originally snatched the "jimgoad" name handed it over to me without threat of coercion or legal action on my part. The last couple dozen entries on here, ten miles deep at the bottom of this page, are from that now-defunct account.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    twitter.com/jimgoad

    Ever meet a nonwhite person who worried about appearing to be racist?
    5:22 PM Dec 18th, 2009

    So do we have to stop changing the climate, or do we have to change it so that it stops changing?
    6:30 AM Dec 18th, 2009

    A couple days ago, I found out that Jesus was a Jew. That totally changes everything.
    10:08 PM Dec 17th, 2009

    What is a "New" Black Panther? Did they split from the Old Black Panthers? Is there a group for Middle-Aged Black Panthers?
    8:31 PM Dec 17th, 2009

    No matter how well-bred or articulate, no one on Earth can sound dignified when saying the word 'dildo.'
    7:34 PM Dec 17th, 2009

    Every skateboarder I've ever met acts like they've been hit in the head with one.
    6:31 PM Dec 17th, 2009

    I have a nagging suspicion that not all female athletes are entirely heterosexual.
    3:46 PM Dec 17th, 2009

    I gaze over the multicolored expanses of this globe, and I see 6.7 billion people I'd never want to hang out with.
    1:32 PM Dec 17th, 2009

    Hillary Clinton has pledged that if the world votes to fight climate change, her vagina won't bite anyone.
    11:15 AM Dec 17th, 2009

    If you believe in evolution, how can you possibly believe we all wound up equal?
    5:49 PM Dec 16th, 2009

    Of course my writing is motivated by hatred--I hate being lied to.
    5:21 PM Dec 16th, 2009

    Non-breeding white progressives are—thankfully—helping to create a world entirely hostile to non-breeding white progressives.
    2:36 PM Dec 16th, 2009

    I awoke this morning with a profound sense of emptiness. Then I ate a sandwich, and now I feel a lot better.
    8:09 AM Dec 16th, 2009

    There are seven continents on Earth and a quarter-billion adults who are incontinent.
    3:55 PM Dec 15th, 2009

    O holy climate, please change just enough to strike this schmuck with lightning: http://tr.im/climatejerk
    2:01 PM Dec 15th, 2009

    I've got your number, and it's zero.
    6:46 AM Dec 15th, 2009

    You suck so hard, I can hear it on the East Coast.
    5:48 AM Dec 15th, 2009

    As a child, I was instructed to refer to my penis as a "birdie" and my feces as "doody." I'm sorry, but that's how it was.
    10:44 PM Dec 14th, 2009

    Can animals get STDs? I've never heard of a pig with herpes or a penguin with the clap.
    4:07 PM Dec 14th, 2009

    There was a point in the late 1970s when Freddie Mercury's asshole was the sweatiest place on Earth.
    8:04 PM Dec 13th, 2009

    Lindsay Lohan is halfway around the globe saving kids from trafficking and then grooming them as potential lesbian partners.
    8:03 AM Dec 13th, 2009

    I'm taking your Historical Guilt Trip and giving it back to you. Enjoy!
    7:10 AM Dec 13th, 2009

    You are what you eat, so you must eat a lot of shit.
    9:55 AM Dec 12th, 2009

    Many women have such an inordinate level of self-esteem, they think you'd ever consider raping them.
    9:48 AM Dec 12th, 2009

    May all your dreams come true...OK, only the nightmares.
    5:10 PM Dec 11th, 2009

    I'm a certified expert in several lesser-known African and Jewish martial arts.
    8:43 AM Dec 11th, 2009

    This morning's Yahoo! Web Pulse is REALLY going to piss off Hitler: http://tr.im/88yahoo
    6:43 AM Dec 11th, 2009

    Female genital mutilation may not be "cool," but I'm impressed these guys are at least able to find the clit.
    3:11 PM Dec 10th, 2009

    I'm totally confused about how to celebrate diversity without stereotyping people. Tips, anyone?
    11:25 PM Dec 9th, 2009

    Can dogs be retarded? Is there, like, a canine equivalent of Down syndrome?
    8:53 PM Dec 9th, 2009

    72 virgins in paradise sounds like a good idea until you consider all the catfights.
    5:51 PM Dec 9th, 2009

    I grew up in Philly but live in Georgia. Does that make me an immigrant?
    7:46 AM Dec 9th, 2009

    Hearing that there's a lesbian Episcopal bishop makes my mangina want to exhale a fresh blast of minty air.
    7:52 PM Dec 8th, 2009

    Which culturally sensitive asshole designed the drop-down menus where you have to scroll past 500 countries to get to the USA?
    3:23 PM Dec 8th, 2009

    Suggested C&W song title: "I Can't Stand You, But I'd Love to Lay You Down."
    8:02 AM Dec 8th, 2009

    Steven Seagal is one foot taller and fifty pounds heavier than life itself.
    7:37 AM Dec 8th, 2009

    The world would be a better place if we trained bulimics to vomit in anorexics' mouths.
    3:59 PM Dec 7th, 2009

    If Billy Joel was my father, I'd try to kill myself, too—for "Piano Man" alone.
    11:45 AM Dec 7th, 2009

    It's not that I'm older than you; it's that you missed the best part of the movie.
    6:19 AM Dec 7th, 2009

    I guess one thing you could say about murderers is that they're assertive.
    11:10 PM Dec 6th, 2009

    For Christ's sake, how many chicks was Tiger Woods fucking? He really IS the world's greatest athlete!
    4:04 PM Dec 6th, 2009

    Sex with livestock is always wrong unless they have an orgasm.
    8:20 PM Dec 5th, 2009

    Red icons for AIDS, green icons for Iranian street violence. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
    8:08 PM Dec 5th, 2009

    Since they curse and disparage dogs so much, I'm going to assume that, by and large, Muslims are cat people.
    2:44 PM Dec 5th, 2009

    Islamic scientists are developing a "suicide hymen" that kills everything within a hundred yards once it's pierced.
    4:18 PM Dec 4th, 2009

    Only someone who's an ignorant, inbred, stupid, brain-dead, knuckle-dragging mouth-breather would call someone "retarded."
    4:02 PM Dec 4th, 2009

    My opinion on the Tiger Woods infidelity scandal will hinge entirely on whether he wore his golfing cap while receiving oral.
    9:36 PM Dec 3rd, 2009

    When God made a pact with Israel, did the Jews have their lawyers review it first?
    5:51 PM Dec 3rd, 2009

    Attention, all suicide bombers—ever think of THROWING the bomb?
    3:40 PM Dec 3rd, 2009

    If dolphins were truly smarter than us, don't you think they'd figure out how to get the fuck out of the ocean?
    9:44 PM Dec 2nd, 2009

    Meredith "Family Ties" Baxter has admitted she's a muff-diver. If I had a vagina, it would yawn.
    4:38 PM Dec 2nd, 2009

    If we're all God's children, God must be doing a LOT of fucking.
    11:30 AM Dec 2nd, 2009

    It's hard to feel macho when you have nipples. Even if I bench-pressed 500 pounds, I'd still have nipples.
    11:11 AM Dec 2nd, 2009

    There sure seem to be a lot of Jews in Israel.
    8:04 AM Dec 2nd, 2009

    Being oppressed is not an accomplishment.
    6:14 PM Dec 1st, 2009

    I finally agree that the term "retarded" is offensive. We shall henceforth refer to all such people as "IQ Lowriders."
    3:19 PM Dec 1st, 2009

    Any male over 70 charged with a sex crime should receive a reduced sentence merely for being able to get it up.
    11:01 AM Dec 1st, 2009

    Fuck that asshole who killed four cops in a Seattle coffee shop. You're supposed to kill EVERYONE in a Seattle coffee shop.
    4:34 PM Nov 30th, 2009

    I imagine you'd have to rack up some pretty nasty karma to be reincarnated as an anal wart.
    11:35 AM Nov 30th, 2009

    Whenever I hear someone call someone else "Boo," I feel like booing.
    11:21 AM Nov 30th, 2009

    Ever hear of this Criss Angel guy? People tell me he's a Mindfreak. That sounds like some heavy shit right there.
    6:51 AM Nov 30th, 2009

    Silent movies are my favorite. Silent people, too.
    6:42 PM Nov 29th, 2009

    About ten minutes ago I caught myself thinking in Ebonics. I'm really upset about this.
    3:13 PM Nov 29th, 2009

    Finally emerging from the tryptophan coma. I was in a T-hole for a solid day there.
    7:25 AM Nov 28th, 2009

    Tiger Woods has been slightly injured in a car accident, and I am slightly disappointed.
    7:48 PM Nov 27th, 2009

    I'd like TV reality shows a little more if I liked reality a little more.
    9:48 AM Nov 27th, 2009

    God told Abraham to kill his son, and Abraham did it. Both God and Abraham should be arrested.
    9:46 AM Nov 26th, 2009

    Oh, the horror of 23 years trapped in a fake coma, utterly incapable of asking anyone to jerk you off.
    9:04 PM Nov 25th, 2009

    Is it a hate crime to tell an Asian person that you feel disoriented?
    4:19 PM Nov 25th, 2009

    Right now in this great vast land, somebody somewhere is blowing a turkey.
    8:05 AM Nov 25th, 2009

    "I shun meat and worship Gandhi. Then again, I once swam in Charles Manson's balls" ... http://tr.im/mansonson
    3:30 PM Nov 24th, 2009

    You can't stop the wind from blowing, but at times it's possible to stop sucking so much.
    8:16 AM Nov 24th, 2009

    Nearly 300 million innocent turkeys are herded into death camps yearly in the USA. Those Jews got nothing on the turkeys.
    7:35 AM Nov 24th, 2009

    Rosa Parks Memorial Park: Once you sit on the benches, you can't get up even if you try.
    3:54 PM Nov 23rd, 2009

    Are there any parks named after Rosa Parks? What would you call it? Rosa Parks's Park? Rosa's Park? Help me out here.
    3:43 PM Nov 23rd, 2009

    At least 30 Filipinos have been massacred, which works out to about 20 normal-sized people.
    3:22 PM Nov 23rd, 2009

    Why is "retarded" considered better than "disabled"? One means "slow," while the other means "can't fucking do it at all."
    3:15 PM Nov 23rd, 2009

    On Thursday, millions of males across America will be getting sexually aroused at the smell of pumpkin pie.
    8:17 AM Nov 23rd, 2009

    I've said "Thanks" on Thanksgiving my whole life. Not ONCE has God said "You're welcome."
    7:36 AM Nov 23rd, 2009

    Muslim weed must be some pretty good shit for them to get stoned to death.
    6:32 PM Nov 22nd, 2009

    This doctor has removed 45,000 hemorrhoids. I think I would have shot myself after the first dozen: http://tr.im/docroid
    5:47 PM Nov 22nd, 2009

    As a Goad with 2 legs, 2 balls, and 1 penis, I envy a goat with 6 legs, 4 balls, and 3 schweens: http://tr.im/3cockgoat
    5:34 PM Nov 22nd, 2009

    Penguins can stay underwater for up to 15 minutes. The question is: Why the fuck would they want to?
    9:13 AM Nov 22nd, 2009

    As soon as the temperature dips below 40, my balls retreat into my body like twin bear cubs nuzzling up to their mama.
    5:20 AM Nov 22nd, 2009

    Just saw a Charmin TV ad where a cartoon bear gets pieces of toilet paper stuck in its ass. It's official: The West has fallen.
    8:23 PM Nov 21st, 2009

    It's a Celebration of Retardation!
    2:53 PM Nov 21st, 2009

    It's weird to hear Obama has a half-brother. I thought Obama WAS a half-brother.
    10:37 AM Nov 21st, 2009

    Lesbianism—for when simply being a woman isn't annoying enough for you.
    2:23 PM Nov 20th, 2009

    It's bravely empowering that Chaz Bono is surgically morphing into Jeff from "Curb Your Enthusiasm": http://tr.im/chazbono
    11:16 AM Nov 20th, 2009

    I'll have to check Wikipedia, but I'm pretty sure it was the Jews who invented sideburns.
    7:44 AM Nov 20th, 2009

    Ever hear any of that "blues" music? That shit is depressing.
    9:57 PM Nov 19th, 2009

    If you want to bite me, you'd better come with a better set of dentures than that.
    6:42 PM Nov 19th, 2009

    The main problem with euthanasia is that it's far too kind.
    6:36 PM Nov 19th, 2009

    The thing I like about the Bible is that God waits until the last chapter before he drops acid.
    9:05 AM Nov 19th, 2009

    Filming gritty documentary about men who've accidentally amputated their schweens while pleasuring themselves.
    8:12 AM Nov 19th, 2009

    Woman on MARTA was so fat, small moons were orbiting her.
    6:33 PM Nov 18th, 2009

    "FORREST GUMP" (1994): When you're borderline retarded, life seems equivalent to a box of chocolates.
    12:59 PM Nov 18th, 2009

    DICK-MILES -noun 1. The length of one's penis multiplied by the total number of penetrative thrusts in one's lifetime.
    12:51 PM Nov 18th, 2009

    So God created the universe in 6 days & rested on the 7th. Which day did he say, "OK, today I'm gonna invent the rectum"?
    8:16 AM Nov 18th, 2009

    "PRECIOUS" (2009): Obese, illiterate, AIDS-dripping welfare leech suffers rape and abuse, and the world feels uplifted.
    4:55 PM Nov 17th, 2009

    To combat boob cancer, physicians are now promoting "breast awareness." Who isn't aware of breasts?
    4:32 PM Nov 17th, 2009

    Your dick's so small, your circumcision only yielded a twoskin.
    10:14 PM Nov 16th, 2009

    At least roaches are smart enough to run before they get stepped on.
    8:08 PM Nov 16th, 2009

    Someone just blessed me on the subway. Is there a way to undo that?
    6:47 PM Nov 16th, 2009

    What have women invented besides the false rape accusation?
    6:01 PM Nov 16th, 2009

    If I attempted suicide and failed, I'd want to kill myself.
    5:49 PM Nov 16th, 2009

    Roger Ebert marries black woman, turns into Stephen Hawking: http://tr.im/eberthawking
    4:14 PM Nov 16th, 2009

    I'd like to see a comedian with late-stage cancer named Chemo Phillips.
    3:49 PM Nov 15th, 2009

    If you live in LA for ten years, you turn into either Michael Jackson or Charles Manson.
    2:53 PM Nov 15th, 2009

    The name "Attila" is scary enough. Adding "the Hun" seems like overkill to me.
    2:17 PM Nov 15th, 2009

    Can Christians get born again multiple times, or do you only get born again once and then you're pretty much stuck?
    11:12 AM Nov 15th, 2009

    If I wanted to, say, become a Gold Medalist at the Wheelchair Olympics, would I have to prove I'm, you know, "disabled"?
    10:07 AM Nov 15th, 2009

    Hitler was raised Catholic. I'd kill to hear what he said in the confession booth.
    12:25 PM Nov 14th, 2009

    Big deal if Andre Agassi did meth. What's unforgivable is that commercial he did with the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
    12:04 PM Nov 14th, 2009

    There's water on the moon. Wow. I can get water from my kitchen sink.
    11:36 AM Nov 14th, 2009

    There's a difference between leveling the playing field and lowering it.
    10:24 PM Nov 13th, 2009

    Tolerance is overrated.
    6:47 PM Nov 13th, 2009

    Of all God's creatures, only human beings are stupid enough to forgive.
    6:05 PM Nov 13th, 2009

    Suspected serial killer in Cleveland is black. Looks like all us white guys have left is NASCAR.
    4:50 PM Nov 12th, 2009

    Wynonna Judd is bitter that Taylor Swift swept the CMA Awards and is now threatening to eat her.
    3:56 PM Nov 12th, 2009

    Sighed when fat bitch wedged fat ass into bus seat next to mine. "You ain't THAT big," she snorted. "Looks like you ARE," I said.
    10:03 AM Nov 12th, 2009

    Woman allegedly engages in carnal relations with a male Chihuahua named "Peanut": http://tr.im/peanutsex
    3:28 AM Nov 12th, 2009

    I think political torture is justified in cases where I'm mad at someone.
    3:47 PM Nov 11th, 2009

    Celine Dion has failed to conceive a child. Not surprising, because she's never been able to conceive of a good song.
    2:19 PM Nov 11th, 2009

    I bought the black iPhone instead of the white one because the saleslady was black and I didn't want a "situation."
    11:35 AM Nov 11th, 2009

    No more Ramones or CBGB T-shirts. The world already has 1000 times more than it ever needed.
    10:34 AM Nov 11th, 2009

    I want to hear a Mexican rapper do a song called "Anchor Baby." How do we make this work?
    8:09 AM Nov 11th, 2009

    If you don't think God has a sense of humor, how do you explain male breast cancer?
    2:14 PM Nov 10th, 2009

    BREAKING: Leukeem Abdul-Jabbar diagnosed with Kareemia.
    9:45 AM Nov 10th, 2009

    Has anyone ever died from overdoing it at an all-you-can-eat buffet? Talk about getting your money's worth!
    8:53 AM Nov 10th, 2009

    EVERYONE is coughing and hacking on MARTA. It's like taking a dip in a swine-flu toilet.
    7:21 AM Nov 10th, 2009

    Watch the dog bark while he bites himself in the nuts.
    6:11 AM Nov 10th, 2009

    If I could ask for one superpower this morning, it'd be the ability to projectile-vomit on people wearing too much cologne.
    8:14 AM Nov 9th, 2009

    The guy who invented the thing where gas pumps slow down 80 cents before you're finished was obviously a sadist.
    7:48 AM Nov 9th, 2009

    I hereby declare that the phrase "thinking outside the box" must be placed INSIDE the fucking box once and for all.
    4:13 PM Nov 8th, 2009

    With almost 40 million Californians, you couldn't find a better-looking representative than Henry Waxman?
    1:29 PM Nov 8th, 2009

    China's "investing" in Africa. It's the only way to get black women to fuck Asian men.
    7:22 AM Nov 8th, 2009

    Homosexual behavior has been observed in many higher vertebrates, but you'll never, EVER catch an insect faggin' off.
    11:07 PM Nov 7th, 2009

    Quit apologizing, Chris Brown. Trust me-you'll get ten times as many bitches that way.
    6:55 PM Nov 7th, 2009

    I agree with what you say about the Christian Right, but the fact that you're from the Sanctimonious Left spoils it for me.
    6:21 PM Nov 7th, 2009

    ISLAMOPHOBE -noun 1. Someone so terrified of Islamic retribution, they're afraid to say anything bad about Islam.
    9:08 AM Nov 7th, 2009

    What part of him yelling "Allahu Akbar!" at the beginning of his murder spree don't you understand?
    8:54 AM Nov 7th, 2009

    Some people are born ugly, while others go out of their way to get there.
    12:58 PM Nov 6th, 2009

    I love the Jews, and I think Hitler did, too: http://tr.im/hiskampf
    12:20 PM Nov 6th, 2009

    One thing I DO like about Muslims is the goat cheese. That's some tasty shit right there.
    8:48 AM Nov 6th, 2009

    Don't blame all Muslims for yesterday's murder spree. Just continue blaming all whites whenever there's a 'hate crime.'
    5:55 AM Nov 6th, 2009

    Members of "The Religion of Peace" just snuffed a dozen infidels at a Texas Army base.
    6:15 PM Nov 5th, 2009

    Once the gays figure out how to anally impregnate each other, we're history.
    5:51 PM Nov 5th, 2009

    I'd love to know the precise point in human history when everyone said, "OK, we really need to put some clothes on."
    8:02 AM Nov 5th, 2009

    I don't have baggage. I have a fucking U-Haul.
    5:28 PM Nov 4th, 2009

    No city in America has its head deeper up its own ass than Portland, Oregon.
    9:57 AM Nov 4th, 2009

    Happiness has never been a goal of mine, so I'm not depressed that I haven't achieved it.
    9:46 AM Nov 4th, 2009

    War is repulsive to people who've had all the fight knocked out of them.
    8:35 AM Nov 4th, 2009

    You and I are not "on the same page." We ain't even in the same library.
    8:07 AM Nov 4th, 2009

    If I was from Gomorrah, I'd resent that no one named freaky sex acts after me.
    4:57 PM Nov 3rd, 2009

    Your pain is much harder to feel than mine.
    8:15 AM Nov 3rd, 2009

    There are 5.5 million Jews in the USA, so, for now, it'd be impossible to pull off another Holocaust.
    8:03 AM Nov 3rd, 2009

    Rabbis wuz gettin' MAD pussy in the Middle Ages while Catholic monks were jerking each other off.
    8:55 PM Nov 2nd, 2009

    Anyone who wants New York to lose the World Series is obviously an anti-Semite.
    7:52 PM Nov 2nd, 2009

    Black chix on bus calling homo sex an "abomination." Good thing homos aren't allowed on the bus, or it could've gotten ugly.
    5:55 PM Nov 2nd, 2009

    Madonna provides electricity for an African village. They turn on the lights, see her without makeup, and kill her.
    4:20 AM Nov 2nd, 2009

    The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, but to the spoiled fucking brats who inherited money.
    3:33 PM Nov 1st, 2009

    It's clear the term "homo sapiens" is rooted in anti-heterosexual bias.
    5:07 AM Nov 1st, 2009

    I disagree with many of Obama's policies, but he was great as the guy who saves the white chick in "Night of the Living Dead."
    6:26 PM Oct 31st, 2009

    No matter our skin color, we're all full of shit on the inside.
    3:05 PM Oct 31st, 2009

    This Halloween, Philadelphians are dressing up as attractive people: http://tr.im/philugly
    1:32 PM Oct 31st, 2009

    Brainwashed people reserve a special hatred for those who aren't.
    6:23 AM Oct 31st, 2009

    Yeah, it's wrong when the elderly get raped, but it's not like it's a treat for the rapist, either.
    6:11 PM Oct 30th, 2009

    It was neither a meteorite nor the Ice Age that killed the dinosaurs. It was greed, pure and simple.
    2:49 PM Oct 30th, 2009

    I think a midair crash would be kind of cool so long as the other plane got more fucked-up than mine.
    2:23 PM Oct 30th, 2009

    BREAKING: Hillary Clinton gets circumcised during press conference in Pakistan. Details to follow.
    1:44 PM Oct 30th, 2009

    Hitler always blamed "the Jew," but he never specified which one.
    6:42 PM Oct 29th, 2009

    Is it illegal to hate the new Hate Crimes Bill?
    2:45 PM Oct 29th, 2009

    I shave my balls so clean, I can see my reflection when I try to blow myself.
    12:09 PM Oct 29th, 2009

    The human body is only a donut wrapped around a Poop Hole.
    8:13 AM Oct 29th, 2009

    Curry kills cancer cells? So you're telling me that anyone who's ever stayed at a cheap motel won't get cancer?
    6:43 AM Oct 29th, 2009

    Society's so dumb, you'd have to be retarded not to be socially retarded.
    9:13 PM Oct 28th, 2009

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't all the Guantanamo prisoners fit snugly within Octomom's vagina?
    2:29 PM Oct 28th, 2009

    The car bomb that just killed 90 people in Pakistan avoided Hillary Clinton because it was afraid of her temper.
    12:28 PM Oct 28th, 2009

    Being left-handed makes me feel like a superior mutant who's severely outnumbered. It's like being the Jew of Hands.
    8:09 PM Oct 27th, 2009

    I love giving up the "Elderly/Disabled" subway seat to the young and physically fit. Confuses the fuck out of them.
    8:29 AM Oct 27th, 2009

    Please tilt the scales of justice against "fat acceptance." If you aren't a normal weight, you shouldn't have equal rights.
    6:01 AM Oct 27th, 2009

    GET A DEATH -slang term 1. What you tell someone deemed too hopeless to get a life.
    7:55 PM Oct 26th, 2009

    At no charge, I'm donating the name "Jhericles LeTrout" to any black male willing to adopt it.
    6:11 PM Oct 26th, 2009

    The average age of American nuns is 70. The average length of their pubic hair is half a yard.
    4:03 PM Oct 26th, 2009

    Miracle Whip's WE WILL NOT TONE IT DOWN ads are the boldest, most revolutionary campaign I've ever seen for fake mayonnaise.
    1:41 PM Oct 26th, 2009

    I'm reclaiming the rainbow for heterosexual males and calling it the "rainbro."
    10:40 AM Oct 26th, 2009

    Nobody sells decaf in the hood.
    7:15 AM Oct 26th, 2009

    In this time of need, I encourage Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a lavish Broadway musical about his prostate gland.
    6:43 PM Oct 25th, 2009

    Today's public schools teach kids to multiply in the second grade. In first grade, they teach them to be fruitful.
    9:26 AM Oct 25th, 2009

    The worst thing about being buried forever in a casket would be having to wear the same suit.
    8:23 PM Oct 24th, 2009

    I hope the climate changes in such a way that it kills all the people who whine about climate change.
    7:56 PM Oct 24th, 2009

    It's time we non-gays reclaimed the word "gay" and allowed ourselves to feel gay again without, you know, feeling gay about it.
    5:29 PM Oct 24th, 2009

    "Do the Right Thing" (1989): When your peeps can't even get it together enough to own a fucking pizza shop, start rioting.
    6:58 AM Oct 24th, 2009

    The most difficult part of trying to piss with an erection is when I spray myself in the face.
    4:27 AM Oct 24th, 2009

    Each sunrise brings an exciting array of opportunities to bask in the misfortune of others.
    6:48 PM Oct 23rd, 2009

    Necrophiles suffer from a defect rendering them incapable of realizing people tend to be less sexually active after they're dead.
    4:11 PM Oct 23rd, 2009

    When my body filters out and eliminates waste products, is that because it "hates" them?
    6:40 AM Oct 23rd, 2009

    Brevity is the soul of wit, so it would be hilarious if you shut your mouth.
    6:15 AM Oct 22nd, 2009

    Still reading "Mein Kampf." I gotta tell you, a lot of parts really sound racist.
    8:39 PM Oct 21st, 2009

    EQUALITY -noun 1. A concept which nearly everyone believes but which no one has bothered to prove.
    7:57 PM Oct 21st, 2009

    Censorship is stupid. It's far more cost-effective to permanently silence people.
    5:36 PM Oct 21st, 2009

    I'm extremely saddened to hear the news of Kanye West's non-death.
    10:20 AM Oct 21st, 2009

    Isn't the threat of getting bashed part of the thrill of being gay?
    7:01 AM Oct 21st, 2009

    A friend said he "ate some Mexican." I know they're small, but I'm surprised he was able to eat an entire Mexican.
    4:14 PM Oct 20th, 2009

    A foreign friend just called a swine-flu victim a "walking pig." I hereby enter this term into common usage.
    3:12 PM Oct 20th, 2009

    Statistical study on European men's confidence in their erections: http://tr.im/eurection
    6:53 AM Oct 20th, 2009

    It's OK that most of us are being ground into peasantry as long as no one says "nigger" in the process: http://tr.im/noclass
    6:00 AM Oct 20th, 2009

    Hoist your drink for the camera and show us all what God gave you instead of a personality.
    7:22 PM Oct 19th, 2009

    99% of the media just took Obama's dick out of their mouths long enough to announce that Fox News is biased.
    2:31 PM Oct 19th, 2009

    I don't know why people describe cats as "sensual," because I never owned one that knew how to fuck.
    1:37 PM Oct 19th, 2009

    Anyone who fears speaking ill of the dead has problems understanding this whole "dead" thing.
    12:23 PM Oct 19th, 2009

    You are full of the shit of the bull. You are full of the shit that drops from a bull's ass onto the ground.
    12:03 PM Oct 19th, 2009

    34 degrees in Atlanta right now. Rampant shrinkage throughout Georgia.
    5:59 AM Oct 19th, 2009

    I saw this charity group "Skate4Cancer," which is really stupid 'cos everyone knows you can't get cancer from roller skating.
    12:05 PM Oct 18th, 2009

    Can dermatologists remove freckles from a scrotum? I'm asking for a friend.
    6:43 AM Oct 18th, 2009

    I almost forget what it feels like to punch someone.
    8:12 PM Oct 17th, 2009

    I accept that lesbians secretly want to be men, but I draw the line when they start wearing tuxedos: http://tr.im/leztux
    7:04 PM Oct 17th, 2009

    If you find the term "illegal alien" offensive, I'm perfectly happy to substitute the phrase "illegal Mexican."
    12:58 PM Oct 17th, 2009

    I am not a fan of Western movies. I can't even think of anything good to say about the West Coast.
    12:54 PM Oct 17th, 2009

    Before it's too late, I believe we should build a Wall of Hymens to separate us from the Muslim world.
    6:58 AM Oct 17th, 2009

    I want to spank Balloon Boy's dad until his asshole explodes.
    12:51 PM Oct 16th, 2009

    An open plea to Crips and Bloods: Lay down your differences and start fighting the Mexicans.
    11:36 AM Oct 16th, 2009

    Nothing chokes me up more than those "In Memory of..." T-shirts honoring some slain gangbanger tard.
    10:58 AM Oct 16th, 2009

    Not sure what's up with my armpits. Some days I'm daisy-fresh; on others, it's like being punched in the face with a hoagie.
    4:32 AM Oct 16th, 2009

    I'd have no qualms about torturing most humans, since being around most humans is torture.
    6:31 PM Oct 15th, 2009

    I still can't believe Lou Gehrig was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. What are the chances?
    2:20 PM Oct 15th, 2009

    Working on a cartoon action series called "The Unwanted" about teen superheroes who survived botched abortions in the womb.
    8:09 AM Oct 15th, 2009

    Whenever someone tells me "Don't go there," I know exactly where to go.
    5:21 PM Oct 14th, 2009

    Male dinosaurs roamed the barren tundra 175 million years ago, silently comparing each other's penises.
    4:15 PM Oct 14th, 2009

    Anyone ever blown a whale? Do they get frustrated when you have to come up for air?
    3:10 PM Oct 14th, 2009

    When watching a sporting event, it's perfectly healthy to wish at least one of the participants will get killed.
    7:47 AM Oct 14th, 2009

    It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so be aware that females commit more than their share: http://tr.im/strausgelles
    3:57 PM Oct 13th, 2009

    Keep chirping about rainbows and I'll keep hoping you get unicorn-holed.
    3:42 PM Oct 13th, 2009

    There will now be more US soldiers in the Middle East than when Bush was president, you blind, idolatrous, TV-weaned suckers.
    6:06 AM Oct 13th, 2009

    Mike Tyson appeared on Oprah to express his remorse that his young daughter died before he was able to cook and eat her.
    10:15 PM Oct 12th, 2009

    If Christopher Columbus was anything like the Italians where I grew up, he smelled like salami and acted like a douche.
    9:46 PM Oct 12th, 2009

    Rest safe, America. Hillary Clinton's icy vagina will repel any heat-seeking missile in the cosmos.
    6:29 PM Oct 12th, 2009

    Working on an ambient-noise aural pastiche of people straining to defecate. Will email demo mp3s to interested A&R reps only.
    4:03 PM Oct 12th, 2009

    To take the Mayan calendar seriously, I'd have to take the Mayans seriously.
    2:13 PM Oct 12th, 2009

    Hordes of homosexuals are converging on Washington, D.C. in what is known as "The Million Man Prance."
    1:28 PM Oct 11th, 2009

    NEGROWTH -noun 1. A statistical influx of nonwhites into a given demographic area.
    7:13 AM Oct 11th, 2009

    Is it sick to think domestic violence against women in wheelchairs is funny?
    8:45 PM Oct 10th, 2009

    Who the fuck cares if there's water on the moon? If I want to go there, I'll bring a sports drink.
    10:22 AM Oct 10th, 2009

    Whoopi Goldberg knows nothing about rape-rape because no one has ever been tempted to try-try it on her.
    7:41 AM Oct 10th, 2009

    This decade is almost over, and I still have no idea what to call it.
    7:39 AM Oct 10th, 2009

    Necrophiles tend to be self-centered, immature individuals who never even take the corpse's pleasure into consideration.
    2:38 PM Oct 9th, 2009

    At any given moment, there are roughly as many humans on Earth as there are human testicles.
    9:24 PM Oct 8th, 2009

    Southerners are the friendliest Americans except for the physicians. My last two prostate exams felt like Reconstruction.
    1:45 PM Oct 8th, 2009

    It isn't comedy if nobody's feelings get hurt.
    9:12 AM Oct 8th, 2009

    IGNOSTIC -noun 1. A person who doesn't know much about religion or anything else.
    7:50 AM Oct 8th, 2009

    Did you know that Roman Polanski isn't even from Rome?
    8:34 PM Oct 7th, 2009

    The more the world turns, the more I realize it's upside-down.
    4:36 PM Oct 7th, 2009

    As a child I was told if you stick your head up your ass, followed by the rest of your body, you'd emerge in heaven.
    2:03 PM Oct 7th, 2009

    I've long suspected that any man with a beard is an agent of radical Islam.
    1:55 PM Oct 7th, 2009

    I don't care what you have to say and you can't understand what I have to say, so I think we'll get along fine.
    8:27 AM Oct 7th, 2009

    This show on PBS kept talking about how "white people" invaded all these places and subdued the natives. It was cool!
    9:28 PM Oct 6th, 2009

    I have no problem with the faggots, queers, rump-wranglers, and gayrods. It's the lesbians who ruin homosexuality.
    2:56 PM Oct 6th, 2009

    I solemnly declare today to be National "Call Somebody 'Gay' Today" Day.
    8:59 AM Oct 6th, 2009

    I think the part of Gary Busey's brain that's missing should have its own reality show.
    9:55 PM Oct 5th, 2009

    The only thing classier than a chick who can pussy-fart at will is one who can projectile-menstruate on command.
    9:31 PM Oct 5th, 2009

    As if a secret command had been issued from Blackness Headquarters, every other brother on MARTA is suddenly rockin' a frohawk.
    6:35 PM Oct 5th, 2009

    Like I really needed to imagine David Letterman with a boner.
    11:31 AM Oct 5th, 2009

    Jesus introduces God the Father to the Virgin Mary. God the Father says, "Um, yeah-we've already met."
    11:26 AM Oct 5th, 2009

    Do you expect to get on my good side by telling me my wife is hot?
    7:04 AM Oct 5th, 2009

    I've had sex with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, so trust me-he is NOT Jewish.
    7:44 AM Oct 4th, 2009

    Keep collecting all those cool things, hoping that one day the coolness will rub off on you.
    6:39 AM Oct 4th, 2009

    Lemmings move forward as they march to the sea, so it's fair to call them "progressive."
    6:19 AM Oct 4th, 2009

    IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT -slang term 1. A homosexual even more deeply in denial than a normal closet case.
    7:34 PM Oct 3rd, 2009

    Ever argue with someone about which one of you is actually arguing?
    3:03 PM Oct 3rd, 2009

    I aim to become the first man strangled to death by his own tight jeans.
    10:46 AM Oct 3rd, 2009

    I think I'm gonna make myself a sandwich because I can't stand to see a black man in the White House.
    1:50 PM Oct 2nd, 2009

    The 2016 Summer Games won't be held in Chicago because the Olympic Committee can't stand to see a black man in the White House.
    12:14 PM Oct 2nd, 2009

    I'm warning you-the Race War will start the moment any of you touch one fine hair on Glenn Beck's chubby, porky head.
    10:58 PM Oct 1st, 2009

    Will Jimmy Carter please crawl back inside his peanut-shaped casket already?
    2:01 PM Oct 1st, 2009

    If you wanna be a dictator, you gotta be a dic.
    1:53 PM Oct 1st, 2009

    Pity the poor hemophiliacs who died of blood transfusions without ever enjoying intravenous drug use or anal sex.
    1:28 PM Oct 1st, 2009

    If we ever go to war with China, I predict victory simply because we are taller.
    11:23 AM Oct 1st, 2009

    Things will get better in 2010. OK, 2012. OK, 2020. OK, never.
    8:16 AM Oct 1st, 2009

    The Prophet Muhammad was banging girls in the single digits, and he didn't even need to feed them 'ludes or flee to France.
    5:13 PM Sep 30th, 2009

    I was 16 in 1977, and if Roman Polanski had given me champagne and Quaaludes, I would have LET him rape me.
    11:24 AM Sep 30th, 2009

    No one who's actually retarded ever gets upset at being called "retarded" because, well, they're RETARDED.
    9:37 AM Sep 30th, 2009

    An unexpected downside of multiculturalism is that black actors are now forced to do Viagra commercials.
    9:40 PM Sep 29th, 2009

    Rasta on the bus was smellin' mighty salty. Thanks AGAIN, Rosa Parks.
    9:02 PM Sep 29th, 2009

    Not to put too fine a point on it, but you have no point.
    8:35 PM Sep 29th, 2009

    It's taken decades for me to blossom from a premature ejaculator to a mature ejaculator.
    9:18 AM Sep 29th, 2009

    Seeking investors for a concept wherein newly released Guantanamo prisoners perform in a "Riverdance"-styled Broadway show.
    12:17 AM Sep 29th, 2009

    My pug has ten breasts. Having two would make sense, three tops-but ten? That's where it's like an addiction.
    11:38 PM Sep 28th, 2009

    At any given moment, 100,000 Americans are shaving their pubic hair.
    11:33 PM Sep 28th, 2009

    You can tell who's in charge by whom they cast as society's villains. So if Nazis are the villains...OK, bad example.
    7:54 PM Sep 28th, 2009

    The only true "hate speech" remaining in the USA consists of incessant ad-hominem attacks against the alleged "haters."
    5:13 PM Sep 28th, 2009

    The worst thing about having seizures is that you can't time them properly for dramatic effect and emotional leverage.
    11:52 AM Sep 28th, 2009

    If Michael Jackson and Will Smith can say good things about Hitler, what the fuck is everyone else's problem?
    11:06 AM Sep 28th, 2009

    Ever hate someone so much that if you found out they liked you, you'd hate yourself?
    3:05 AM Sep 28th, 2009

    God made genitals, but it takes plastic surgeons to make them attractive.
    6:50 PM Sep 27th, 2009

    It's such a gorgeously golden day in Atlanta, I almost feel ashamed for being the way I am.
    4:32 PM Sep 27th, 2009

    Met a 403-year-old black guy. He says the first three years were great.
    2:12 PM Sep 27th, 2009

    Is there such a thing as adult-diaper rash? Seems too sad to ponder, but ponder I must.
    12:55 PM Sep 27th, 2009

    You were the valedictorian at Idiot University.
    8:32 PM Sep 26th, 2009

    It. Drives. Me. Crazy. When. People. Turn. Every. Word. Into. A. Sentence.
    6:07 PM Sep 26th, 2009

    I know people have "ruled with an iron fist," but has anyone ever been fisted with an iron fist?
    4:52 PM Sep 26th, 2009

    The USA has 1000s of nukes, so it has every right to scold Iran for trying to build 1.
    10:37 AM Sep 26th, 2009

    I plan on a fun Friday night: prune-juice cocktails, Milk of Magnesia body shots, and early bedtime.
    3:02 PM Sep 25th, 2009

    I don't want to belong to the human race, because that would be racist.
    12:41 PM Sep 25th, 2009

    That was a total faggot of a "flood," Atlanta. I've seen worse floods in public bathrooms.
    5:55 AM Sep 25th, 2009

    Sweepin' the floor in my underwear, listening to Hitler and Stalin speeches on YouTube.
    8:46 PM Sep 24th, 2009

    Shannon noticed that one of my nipples was erect, and we both wondered why the other nipple didn't bother.
    8:23 PM Sep 24th, 2009

    Great white sharks are overrepresented in all levels of society. It's as if great black sharks didn't even exist.
    12:36 PM Sep 24th, 2009

    I used to think that "handicapped" was restricted to disabilities of the hands. Boy, was I wrong!
    7:55 AM Sep 24th, 2009

    Cockroach crawling on tiny Mexican man who smells like piss on MARTA. Yay, diversity!
    7:13 AM Sep 24th, 2009

    Ever try eating pussy with the hiccups?
    9:44 PM Sep 23rd, 2009

    What was up with Alice on "The Brady Bunch"? Was she, like, their slave?
    8:49 PM Sep 23rd, 2009

    When you look at a scrotum, how could you believe in Intelligent Design?
    5:18 PM Sep 23rd, 2009

    A dewy autumn mist moistens my Georgia lawn like a hundred million wet grasshopper vaginas.
    8:35 AM Sep 23rd, 2009

    For those who prefer their cheesesteaks in English: http://tr.im/genophobia
    7:53 AM Sep 23rd, 2009

    Haiti is what happens when you kill all the haters.
    7:25 PM Sep 22nd, 2009

    I was born with a headache, and it never went away.
    3:07 PM Sep 22nd, 2009

    Can't imagine a more fun, fulfilling job than being on a Death Panel.
    1:55 PM Sep 22nd, 2009

    Is it possible to rape someone in self-defense?
    11:29 AM Sep 22nd, 2009

    Looking for an opportunity to kill someone-anyone-in self-defense.
    10:39 AM Sep 22nd, 2009

    Katrina II unfolding in Atlanta. Thankfully, as a Caucasian, I know how to swim.
    7:34 PM Sep 21st, 2009

    If you use extra-virgin olive oil as lube, does it cease to be a virgin?
    2:26 PM Sep 21st, 2009

    Told someone my iPhone gets greasy 'cos I use pomade on my sideburns. The words were out of my mouth before I realized how gay they sounded.
    1:07 PM Sep 21st, 2009

    In wombs across America, fetuses lie placidly, unaware they already have STDs.
    12:21 PM Sep 21st, 2009

    I love our president's expansive, all-embracing ears. It's like there's room for everyone in the world to snuggle in there.
    4:39 AM Sep 21st, 2009

    How does New York's blind governor ever really know he's actually in New York?
    2:57 PM Sep 20th, 2009

    As someone who's been stalked by both genders, I can state with authority that men are much more effeminate about it.
    2:24 PM Sep 20th, 2009

    You will die one day. Until then, it is my sincerest wish that you acquire a personality.
    9:06 PM Sep 19th, 2009

    A rainy Saturday has me wondering whether a guy named Jack ever got busted jacking off in a Jack in the Box bathroom.
    12:41 PM Sep 19th, 2009

    I'd like to force this blind boxer (http://tr.im/blindbox) and this deaf singer (http://tr.im/defsing) to have babies.
    9:27 PM Sep 18th, 2009

    It isn't racist to yell "YOU LIE!" at a liar. It's just calling a spade a spade.
    10:36 AM Sep 18th, 2009

    I'll support global unity if the Martians attack. Until then, I'm keeping my doors locked.
    6:27 AM Sep 18th, 2009

    The "green people" pledge to save the Earth. The Earth refuses their help and vows to eventually kill all green people.
    4:43 AM Sep 18th, 2009

    Nancy Pelosi's face looks like someone stretched a rodent's uterus over a death skull.
    4:01 PM Sep 17th, 2009

    If your ass could talk, it would tell you to shut your mouth.
    2:02 PM Sep 17th, 2009

    "Mary" from Peter, Paul and Mary is dead. Even Puff the Magic Dragon doesn't give a shit.
    2:52 AM Sep 17th, 2009

    Went to grade school with a kid named Tom Dick. He later changed his last name to Dale, but he'll always be a Dick to me.
    2:14 AM Sep 17th, 2009

    BREAKING: In a calculated move to curry support among whites, Obama refuses to play the race card.
    4:43 PM Sep 16th, 2009

    If a pair of identical twins were the only two remaining humans on the planet, they'd find a way not to get along.
    12:10 PM Sep 16th, 2009

    Who invented the cornrow? If they get royalties, are they calculated by individual row, or per each completed corning?
    9:14 AM Sep 16th, 2009

    A multimedia celebration of one-titted "survivorship": http://tr.im/atlpp
    2:18 PM Sep 15th, 2009

    Hitler definitely needs a new PR guy.
    1:39 PM Sep 15th, 2009

    Best line I heard in prison: "I don't know why they're still upset. I ain't killed nobody in ten years."
    9:14 AM Sep 15th, 2009

    Best line I heard in county jail: "I told the judge I stopped going to my anger-management classes 'cause they pissed me off."
    8:52 AM Sep 15th, 2009

    I've heard that in India, there's a nimble octogenarian yogi who has trained his own dick to suck another man's dick.
    9:23 PM Sep 14th, 2009

    You can't kill a natural instinct with taboos and threats. The Victorians tried to kill the sex instinct, and everyone wound up freakier.
    7:16 PM Sep 14th, 2009

    What they call "racism" is a natural tribal instinct rather than an evil aberrant virus. That's why it will never go away.
    4:39 PM Sep 14th, 2009

    Next person who sends me an LOL is going to be DOA.
    3:35 PM Sep 14th, 2009

    I cause a "firestorm of controversy," receive death threats, and appear on "Politically Incorrect": http://tr.im/jgsite
    10:20 AM Sep 14th, 2009

    The Jersey Devil faces more prejudice than all other cryptozoological creatures combined, mainly because he's from Jersey.
    8:38 AM Sep 14th, 2009

    You're so white, a snowflake leaves a skidmark on you.
    12:57 PM Sep 13th, 2009

    I hate when I can't trust people to be untrustworthy on my behalf.
    10:09 AM Sep 13th, 2009

    Black publishers declare non-racist comment "racist" and boycott third-blackest state in country: http://tr.im/scboycott
    8:04 AM Sep 13th, 2009

    After closely scrutinizing my ass in the mirror, I saw what might be a new, microscopic, parasite ass growing on top of it.
    6:02 PM Sep 12th, 2009

    Reading "Mein Kampf." Real page-turner. Can't wait to see what happens at the end.
    9:44 PM Sep 11th, 2009

    I've never seen anyone get called a "hater" in a loving way.
    2:11 PM Sep 11th, 2009

    Civilization has taught us how to eat a plate of shit with a knife and fork instead of our hands.
    11:14 AM Sep 11th, 2009

    Funny how those who call EVERYONE Nazis cry foul when they get called communists.
    9:58 AM Sep 11th, 2009

    If you're sincerely in favor of logic, science, and progress, say something bad about Islam today.
    8:56 AM Sep 11th, 2009

    When we start World War III, can we do it on a Friday? I'm off on Fridays.
    10:25 PM Sep 10th, 2009

    Universal healthcare would prolong most people's lives? OK, I'm against it.
    8:31 PM Sep 10th, 2009

    Only an asshole would be against equal rights, but only a moron would believe we're all created equal.
    2:07 PM Sep 10th, 2009

    If you believe in magic, I believe you're stupid.
    8:33 AM Sep 10th, 2009

    As potential street thugs, pre-kindergarteners face several impediments, chief among them their size and naïveté.
    8:04 PM Sep 9th, 2009

    If John Lennon had written "All You Need is a Bulletproof Vest" instead of "All You Need is Love," he'd still be alive.
    5:13 PM Sep 9th, 2009

    Wherever there's rampant public moral panic suffused with gaping logical holes, you'll find me, circling all the errors in red.
    12:12 PM Sep 9th, 2009

    I listen to Holy Hip Hop, cuz we're all Godz niggaz: http://tr.im/yojesus
    10:05 AM Sep 9th, 2009

    Shut up and eat your vegetables before I cannibalize you.
    6:28 AM Sep 9th, 2009

    Things don't magically become untrue simply because they hurt your feelings.
    7:32 PM Sep 8th, 2009

    Every black dude I talk to on the subway is an entrepreneur who's taking it to that other level.
    4:54 PM Sep 8th, 2009

    Little-known fact: The proper term for a female cockroach is a "cuntroach."
    2:30 AM Sep 8th, 2009

    In our planet's history, there has never been a cockroach who could be fairly described as "kindhearted."
    8:46 PM Sep 7th, 2009

    HOT new dating site 4 peeps w/AIDS (or at least an STD): http://tr.im/aidsdate
    8:20 PM Sep 7th, 2009

    As a parent, I object to the passage in Obama's proposed speech where he tells white schoolkids they're "gonna get served."
    5:50 PM Sep 7th, 2009

    The Third World is a great place to get a suntan.
    1:38 PM Sep 7th, 2009

    I thought God's name was "God." Am I wrong?
    3:55 AM Sep 7th, 2009

    Americans should open their hearts this Labor Day to all the exciting foreign countries where all their jobs have been sent.
    3:01 AM Sep 7th, 2009

    Who's Worse: Christians or Muslims? Cast your vote NOW and make your voice HEARD! ... http://tr.im/jgpoll1
    5:17 PM Sep 6th, 2009

    The weather this afternoon will be cloudy with a slight chance of racial tolerance.
    2:24 PM Sep 6th, 2009

    If you want to fuck with someone's mind, don't fuck with their mind, and that way they won't know you're fucking with their mind.
    11:40 PM Sep 5th, 2009

    I don't understand the phrase "the chickens are coming home to roost." There are traveling chickens? Don't they always stay home?
    9:38 AM Sep 5th, 2009

    The Blacks Understand Me Better Than You Do ... http://tr.im/dablax
    2:36 PM Sep 4th, 2009

    NECROCHALANT: -noun 1. A person who acts so utterly nonchalant and unimpressed, you suspect they might be dead.
    1:39 PM Sep 4th, 2009

    The weather feels very racist today. The sunshine is a little too white.
    7:35 AM Sep 4th, 2009

    If you trace our roots back far enough, we all came from the ocean. Does that mean we're all equal to oysters?
    9:57 PM Sep 3rd, 2009

    I heard that when John Wayne died, an autopsy revealed 40 lbs. of undigested meat in his colon. I wonder who wound up eating it.
    9:33 PM Sep 3rd, 2009

    Feminism failed because women refused to stop acting like women.
    4:10 PM Sep 3rd, 2009

    If God loves everyone, God has really bad taste.
    2:16 PM Sep 3rd, 2009

    The more guys there are, the gayer it is.
    8:40 PM Sep 2nd, 2009

    My parents never made me laugh. Even their deaths were annoying and unfunny.
    8:40 PM Sep 2nd, 2009

    In many Asian cultures, excessive dandruff is viewed as a sign of wealth and nobility.
    8:45 AM Sep 2nd, 2009

    I have no problem with a black man in the White House. I'm accustomed to seeing the blacks as public servants.
    6:41 AM Sep 2nd, 2009

    Working together hand-in-hand, you and I can make racism COOL and FUN again!
    5:05 AM Sep 2nd, 2009

    So Muhammad Ali is Irish? Next thing you know, I'll find out Slappy White was my grandfather.
    2:18 PM Sep 1st, 2009

    On the radio, I usually pick the "Our Oldies Are Older Than Your Oldies" station.
    8:50 AM Sep 1st, 2009

    Gay marriage is now legal in Vermont. Problem is, just BEING in Vermont automatically makes you straight.
    6:29 AM Sep 1st, 2009

    Any man who claims he's never dreamed of blowing himself isn't me.
    8:53 PM Aug 31st, 2009

    Tiny lesbian on MARTA train looked so much like a penguin, she could "pass" in a penguin colony, no questions asked.
    8:54 AM Aug 31st, 2009

    An American team just won the Little League World Series, showing up the Taiwanese kids for the punk-ass bitch faggot cocksuckers they are.
    6:42 PM Aug 30th, 2009

    Don't whine about the "pain of being different," because you're no different than anyone else who's a pain.
    2:14 PM Aug 30th, 2009

    BREAKING: Tropical Storm Danny and Apple's Snow Leopard spotted together at gay bar in Greenwich Village.
    8:56 AM Aug 30th, 2009

    Of all the woman-killing rich kids in history, Ted Kennedy fought the hardest for the oppressed folk he was never forced to live around.
    7:33 AM Aug 30th, 2009

    News of DJ AM's death makes me both happy and sad. I'm happy that he's dead, but I'm sad that Travis Barker is still alive.
    8:04 AM Aug 29th, 2009

    JFK to RFK: "Oh, shit-he's coming. Hide the food and liquor."
    7:43 AM Aug 29th, 2009

    Because my one-year-old son is starting to understand words, I'm going to do the right thing and only say "nigger" while he's asleep.
    8:57 PM Aug 28th, 2009

    OPENING THIS WEEKEND: "Rocky: Resurrection," where Rocky Balboa's corpse rises from the grave to box black men one more time.
    9:18 PM Aug 27th, 2009

    A girl we know just named her baby "Quintonio." I guess "Quadtonio" didn't sound powerful enough.
    7:53 PM Aug 27th, 2009

    Based on his name alone, I conclude that "Tropical Storm Danny" is a homosexual.
    1:35 PM Aug 27th, 2009

    Is there such a thing as male pattern pubic baldness?
    9:40 AM Aug 27th, 2009

    If whites are vanilla and blacks are chocolate, then what are Mexicans? Caramel? Nougat?
    9:19 AM Aug 27th, 2009

    If they outlaw hate speech, I might as well become a mime.
    10:46 PM Aug 26th, 2009

    Is everyone's anus unique like a thumbprint or a snowflake?
    10:43 PM Aug 26th, 2009

    Ted Kennedy will never, ever, EVER fart again.
    10:27 PM Aug 26th, 2009

    They say MSNBC is biased, but they have this guy on there named Rachel Maddow who seems like a fair-minded dude to me.
    11:11 AM Aug 26th, 2009

    Why don't you go chew on a scaly, uncircumcised pterodactyl cock?
    10:47 AM Aug 26th, 2009

    Don't be hatin' on imperialists.
    9:49 AM Aug 26th, 2009

    Atlanta's the only place I've ever seen loud and disruptive bus drivers.
    8:35 AM Aug 26th, 2009

    The worst part about sleeping is waking up.
    6:21 AM Aug 26th, 2009

    I stopped praying the moment I realized no one was listening.
    7:45 PM Aug 25th, 2009

    Sat so long on a hard plastic bus seat, my balls fell asleep.
    8:56 AM Aug 25th, 2009

    I propose a toast: Drink so much that your liver falls out of your ass.
    3:57 AM Aug 25th, 2009

    Only a party-pooper would refuse to celebrate the effete, obsequious self-loathing that's destined to bury us.
    3:27 AM Aug 25th, 2009

    Tired of the infantile Hollywood transgressive rock 'n' roll junkie death-trip cancer scene. Will fist Satan the next time I see him.
    2:50 AM Aug 25th, 2009

    I've never been accused of enjoying "white privilege" by someone who wasn't whiter and more privileged than I am.
    11:46 AM Aug 24th, 2009

    I hear Quentin Tarantino dislikes Nazis, which is a bold and risky move to take in Hollywood.
    9:58 AM Aug 24th, 2009

    Seeking to option a treatment about a pilot about a man who wakes up one morning with a vagina in the middle of his forehead.
    8:52 AM Aug 24th, 2009

    One of the quickest ways to psychologically disarm someone is to inquire about the frequency and texture of their bowel movements.
    5:13 AM Aug 24th, 2009

    Don't hear a peep from all the anti-war wah-wah babies about Afghanistan, when they wouldn't shut the fuck up about Iraq.
    3:38 AM Aug 24th, 2009

    Developing a self-replicating robot virus that invades people's ears and makes them forget where they put the remote control.
    7:22 PM Aug 23rd, 2009

    I applaud all of America's deaf people. I salute all of its blind people. Neither group can tell I'm doing it.
    5:19 PM Aug 23rd, 2009

    Kids' TV is taking multiculturalism too far. I just heard Mickey Mouse say, "All a nigga's gotta do to get paid is say the magic words."
    8:23 AM Aug 23rd, 2009

    At any given moment, there are tens of thousands of Americans quietly going about their business while wearing adult diapers.
    4:25 PM Aug 22nd, 2009

    What's the point of Ramadan if the Muslims will eventually start eating and drinking again?
    9:31 AM Aug 22nd, 2009

    A man named "Abdullah Abdullah" may become Afghanistan's new president, which sounds retarded retarded to me.
    6:36 AM Aug 22nd, 2009

    I avoid public swimming pools because I'm not inclined to go splashing around in big oily AIDS toilets.
    6:26 AM Aug 22nd, 2009

    Anyone who says, "I believe in free speech, BUT..." needs to be interrupted and told, "You just contradicted yourself."
    5:26 AM Aug 22nd, 2009

    Somewhere across middle America's barren plains, a disaffected restaurant worker is hiding his boogers in the potato salad.
    8:32 PM Aug 21st, 2009

    I ain't saying it's impossible there's a skateboarder who isn't a complete Mongolian Idiot, only that I've never met one.
    4:19 PM Aug 21st, 2009

    Republicans and Democrats are merely two arms on a solitary male prostitute who sucks cock in back alleys near Wall Street.
    9:40 PM Aug 20th, 2009

    My intuition tells me that common houseflies often experience prolonged and painful bouts of loneliness.
    8:52 PM Aug 20th, 2009

    Will Ted Kennedy please die already so I can feel better about my own brain tumor?
    4:56 PM Aug 20th, 2009

    The best thing about being white on Atlanta public transportation is that no one wants to sit next to me.
    8:34 AM Aug 20th, 2009

    No one asks to be born, but plenty of people are asking to be killed.
    9:24 PM Aug 19th, 2009

    Are foreskins discarded after circumcision? I'm toying with an idea about turning them into Native American dreamcatchers.
    3:11 PM Aug 19th, 2009

    Overheard on bus: "This is OUR country. They can run back to Mexico, but we can't run back to Africa." Ever heard of a canoe?
    9:37 AM Aug 19th, 2009

    If the word "retard" offends you, then breed with one to prove your tolerance.
    9:23 AM Aug 19th, 2009

    GOD, that Sarah Palin is a 'tard! Anyone stupid enough to say they've "been to all 57 states" doesn't deserve to be prez.
    5:51 AM Aug 19th, 2009

    It's hard to imagine that "Hurricane Bill" will be very exciting. It's like your uncle is suddenly a hurricane.
    10:35 PM Aug 18th, 2009

    Who the hell is "Magnesia," and why is she selling her milk?
    12:41 PM Aug 18th, 2009

    I can't believe I've lived in the South for 3 years and haven't been invited to one goddamned lynching.
    8:36 AM Aug 18th, 2009

    I wonder whether God ever takes a hard look at someone he's created, pauses, and says, "Wow-I REALLY fucked up on that one."
    4:46 AM Aug 18th, 2009

    Anyone who's nostalgic for punk rock should have died in 1977.
    3:44 AM Aug 18th, 2009

    Air conditioning has been kaput for 3 days. It's August in Georgia. I'll join any cult within a 50-mile radius if you have A.C.
    9:41 PM Aug 17th, 2009

    How does one qualify for the Special Olympics? Are you required to NOT pass some sort of test?
    11:47 AM Aug. 17, 2009

    "Politically incorrect" and "factually true" have morphed into the same undeniable beast.
    11:44 AM Aug. 17, 2009

    Thanks, Sexual Revolution, for teaching the world that unfuckable people have sex drives, too.
    10:27 AM Aug. 17, 2009

    I could watch every "Rocky" movie back-to-back for a solid year and not stop laughing for a minute.
    11:51 PM Aug. 16, 2009

    Many have written about being abducted and anally probed by aliens, but has anyone described it as pleasurable?
    5:55 PM Aug. 16, 2009

    It's been forty years since Woodstock. Imagine how bad those people smell now.
    5:01 PM Aug. 16, 2009

    America's a uniquely misogynist society? So move somewhere else, get your clit snipped, and be stoned to death for getting raped, 'K?
    4:12 PM Aug. 16, 2009

    Every day in every way, I try to make Allah even angrier than he already is.
    4:03 PM Aug. 16, 2009

    Clap ya hands for Big Lurch, the Cannibal Rapper: http://tr.im/lurch
    8:04 AM Aug 16th, 2009

    Ever look at a couple and wonder whose genitals smell worse? Me neither.
    8:19 PM Aug 15th, 2009

    I look at the world and see a rainbow of people who all suck in different ways.
    8:29 AM Aug 15th, 2009

    A long time ago while high at a rock concert, the gods revealed to me that guitars are very large strap-on dildos.
    7:39 AM Aug 15th, 2009

    How many dirty fingernails have squeezed the piece of fruit I just bought?
    8:11 PM Aug 14th, 2009

    I never drink Colombian Decaf because you don't get a buzz and it WILL kill you.
    11:02 AM Aug 14th, 2009

    Michael Vick has signed with Philly, and two million dogs have immediately moved to Delaware.
    7:41 AM Aug 14th, 2009

    Sure are a lotta fat lesbians. Guess it proves you'll get fat if you eat too much of anything.
    6:28 PM Aug 13th, 2009

    A thousand-mile journey starts with one step. Then again, so does falling in a ditch and breaking your neck.
    10:25 AM Aug 13th, 2009

    Life is what you make of it-until the universe gets in the way.
    8:38 AM Aug 13th, 2009

    In a fair world, late-night TV would be awash in ads for pills that promise to shrink a woman's vagina.
    3:52 AM Aug 13th, 2009

    I wish I could dismiss any criticism of me as racism. That's a skin privilege I envy.
    2:18 PM Aug 12th, 2009

    I want the next president to be an obese super-genius bulldyke Chicana who flaunts her armpit hair.
    9:46 AM Aug 12th, 2009

    93 people are missing in a shipwreck off Tonga. Panicked rescue workers try to figure out where the fuck Tonga is.
    6:42 AM Aug 12th, 2009

    How long before the fat bald fag from "Bizarre Foods" eats something that kills him?
    9:25 PM Aug 11th, 2009

    "Operation Repo" is like "Dog the Bounty Hunter" if every cast member ate 400 lbs. of burritos. http://tr.im/OPrepo
    9:25 PM Aug 11th, 2009

    I want to line up every poop I've ever taken end-to-end, wrap it around the world, and tie it all in a bow.
    8:39 AM Aug 11th, 2009

    Someone just visited my site as a result of Googling "vagina," "cotton," and "autopsy report." Can I get a Restraining Order?
    6:37 AM Aug 11th, 2009

    The CIA also lightened Obama's skin when he was 5. Let's run with that rumor, too.
    6:30 AM Aug 11th, 2009

    For fun, let's start spreading rumors that "Obama" isn't his real last name.
    6:26 AM Aug 11th, 2009

    Does "sexual dysfunction" afflict animals? I've never heard of an impotent giraffe or a beluga whale with performance anxiety.
    2:32 PM Aug 10th, 2009

    Led Zep's "Immigrant Song" makes me want to become a Viking and rape my ancestors.
    12:52 PM Aug 10th, 2009

    Juvenile humor makes more sense the older I get.
    8:53 AM Aug 10th, 2009

    Are some of the gays attracted to God because he's a man?
    8:52 AM Aug 10th, 2009

    Man on MARTA train looked EXACTLY like Eddie Murphy in the "Nutty Professor" fat suit.
    8:52 AM Aug 10th, 2009

    Anyone who trusts a lawyer that advertises on TV deserves to go to jail.
    8:50 AM Aug 10th, 2009

    When you have 187 channels and the best thing on is "Bridezillas," isn't it time for the aliens to land and take control?
    8:57 PM Aug 9th, 2009

    Not EVERY vampire bat can turn into Dracula, you dumbass. It's like Lassie or Bigfoot or Flipper-there have only been a few of them.
    4:00 PM Aug 9th, 2009

    Canadians are justified in condemning America's racism because they treat their black person great up there.
    12:41 PM Aug 9th, 2009

    I asked for "colored labels" at Home Depot and was instantly mortified when I remembered the proper term is "labels of color."
    8:57 PM Aug 8th, 2009

    In truth, human equality is confined to one fact only: Everyone can be an asshole.
    1:25 PM Aug 8th, 2009

    Computers can get viruses and worms, but what about herpes and diarrhea?
    10:59 AM Aug 8th, 2009

    God, like Sean Combs, has many names.
    4:13 PM Aug 7th, 2009

    For the love of Jesus H. William & Mary Shatner, there are a lot of zombie robot retards walking the streets these days.
    10:47 AM Aug 7th, 2009

    There's a difference between politically incorrect and politically unforgivable. I'll take "unforgivable" for the win, Alex.
    9:47 AM Aug 7th, 2009

    HITLER ALBUM COVER CONTEST! Join in the fun and submit your own! http://tr.im/HitlerLP
    9:05 AM Aug 7th, 2009

    Who actually conducts a sperm count, and how do they get the sperm to keep still so they can count them all?
    5:19 AM Aug 7th, 2009

    I can't wait until blacks are so mainstream, it's OK to make fun of them again.
    4:06 PM Aug 6th, 2009

    I often wonder when and where the world's first wigger was sighted.
    8:36 AM Aug 6th, 2009

    Why is it that everyone whose apparel features dollar $ign$ looks as if they don't have five cent$ to their name?
    2:56 PM Aug 5th, 2009

    As a belief system, Rastafarianism could only make sense to someone who's REALLY FUCKING HIGH on weed.
    1:56 PM Aug 5th, 2009

    Yesterday's historic summit made me realize once again that Asians are really short. http://tr.im/BCkji
    9:34 AM Aug 5th, 2009

    I wonder sometimes if insects bite people purely for spite.
    9:22 AM Aug 5th, 2009

    What's the world record for stacking bagels on a penis?
    9:21 AM Aug 5th, 2009

    If an animal doesn't put up a fight when you hold it down and fuck it, is that legally considered consent?
    7:56 PM Aug 4th, 2009

    I haven't heard a good racial slur in a coon's age.
    7:56 PM Aug 4th, 2009

    Whenever misfortune befalls someone I dislike, a buttercup blossoms in my heart.
    8:56 AM Aug 4th, 2009

    Great. As if there weren't enough movie sequels, now we have a new AIDS sequel: http://tr.im/newaids
    10:04 PM Aug 3rd, 2009

    I think I'll relax tonight, watch "Cheaters" and "Intervention," and pray for nuclear war.
    9:45 PM Aug 3rd, 2009

    How DARE you call me disgruntled? I endured my childhood gruntling with grace and dignity. I'm gruntled as a motherfucker.
    4:55 PM Aug 3rd, 2009

    Seeking investors to provide seed money to fund a unique and exciting product for the Christian feminine-hygiene market.
    2:04 PM Aug 3rd, 2009

    Ninety-nine percent of human beings are subhuman. The rest are inhumane.
    8:53 AM Aug 3rd, 2009

    Gallstones, kidney stones, calcifications, fecaliths-I look forward to old age and turning to stone.
    5:35 AM Aug 3rd, 2009

    I've never been hit with a Drunk and Disorderly charge, but I was once cited for being Mildly Stoned and Slightly Disruptive.
    12:53 PM Aug 2nd, 2009

    Few words make me sicker than "wellness."
    11:07 AM Aug 2nd, 2009

    How did the Baby Jesus manage to burst through the Virgin Mary's hymen?
    10:32 AM Aug 2nd, 2009

    My dog's breath smells like a graveyard of asses.
    10:05 AM Aug 2nd, 2009

    I hope to one day be reunited with my foreskin.
    7:48 PM Aug 1st, 2009

    TESTAMINTS: Because God hates bad breath, too ... http://tr.im/xmint
    4:36 PM Aug 1st, 2009

    You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar if catching flies is your idea of a good time.
    12:27 PM Aug 1st, 2009

    Seeking investors to produce an adult film where an actual mouth-cancer patient eats out the butt of someone with ass cancer.
    8:22 PM Jul 31st, 2009

    I'm glad Obama held that Beer Summit, because we really don't talk about race enough in America.
    3:46 PM Jul 31st, 2009

    I've been pepper-sprayed and tear-gassed but was never Tasered or sodomized with a plunger, so I have mixed emotions about cops.
    10:56 AM Jul 31st, 2009

    Anyone who thinks "Power to the People" is a good idea doesn't understand much about people.
    9:54 AM Jul 31st, 2009

    I'm a big fan of Scottish Highlander porn, but even I thought "5 Girls, 1 Set of Bagpipes" went too far.
    8:14 PM Jul 30th, 2009

    What's with all these female circumcisions? I never knew there were so many Jewish women in Africa.
    8:43 AM Jul 30th, 2009

    Oh, what a flat, boring, cheesy world this would be if we all got along.
    10:34 PM Jul 29th, 2009

    Shannon says "anus" is a more disgusting word than "rectum." I disagree-"rectum" is worse.
    10:34 PM Jul 29th, 2009

    Let us not dare to ponder that there's a lot more "racism" in the South because there are a lot more "black people" here.
    3:20 PM Jul 29th, 2009

    LES-BEEN -noun 1. A lesbian who used to be famous.
    1:26 PM Jul 29th, 2009

    The winning bird in Twitter's "Let's Find an Even Gayer-Looking Bird for the Login Page Contest" has finally gone live.
    1:09 PM Jul 29th, 2009

    Halloween was nine months ago, but I still see all these people walking around in Muslim costumes.
    9:22 AM Jul 29th, 2009

    Got a queasy feeling the entire world is going to go postal all at once.
    6:17 AM Jul 29th, 2009

    Listen closely, and you can hear the sound of yourself sucking.
    9:20 PM Jul 28th, 2009

    Has a fetus ever overheard its parents' conversations and then decided to abort itself?
    3:59 PM Jul 28th, 2009

    Wheelchair racing and wheelchair basketball are OK, but I'd rather see full-on Death Cage Wheelchair Fights where only one cripple survives.
    1:23 PM Jul 28th, 2009

    Eighty-five Haitians are presumed dead in a boating accident. Now the ocean has AIDS.
    5:18 AM Jul 28th, 2009

    Western Civ's implosion is like watching the R. Budd Dwyer tape in excruciating slow motion.
    9:42 PM Jul 27th, 2009

    On MARTA, white woman in Rascal wheelchair tried chatting up black woman in a Rascal and got snubbed. So much for Wheelchair Sisterhood.
    9:35 PM Jul 27th, 2009

    I hate sign language because I can never tell if they're talking about me.
    8:26 PM Jul 27th, 2009

    New Taser developed specifically for the Jonas Brothers: http://tr.im/ugo2
    3:42 PM Jul 27th, 2009

    Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Don't give him the fucking fish, and you eat for two days.
    1:45 PM Jul 27th, 2009

    I just smeared some mayo on a slice of bread and had myself some "bread salad."
    8:55 PM Jul 26th, 2009

    Someone please explain how adding mayonnaise to eggs, tuna, or chicken somehow magically transforms it all into a "salad."
    5:43 PM Jul 26th, 2009

    FUCK the Kurds. I cry no tears for the Kurds. You won't find anyone more anti-Kurditic than me.
    5:06 PM Jul 26th, 2009

    Being an illegal immigrant is sort of like trying to start a lifelong relationship by raping someone.
    1:07 PM Jul 26th, 2009

    This chick on TV was so annoying, I wanted to pull out her cunt with pliers.
    9:06 PM Jul 25th, 2009

    Intensive ball-shaving session in the shower this afternoon. I feel more focused...more centered...more at peace...more whole.
    5:25 PM Jul 25th, 2009

    I don't mind sharing. On second thought, I do. A lot.
    11:50 AM Jul 25th, 2009

    Has there ever been a documented case of anal sex between insects?
    6:37 AM Jul 25th, 2009

    Today marks exactly one century since the American Rodeo Association banned Nonconsensual Cow-Fucking from all live events.
    5:37 AM Jul 25th, 2009

    Looking to form a synth-driven New Wave cover band composed entirely of elderly stroke victims.
    10:22 PM Jul 24th, 2009

    Black-market kidneys, money-laundering, fake Gucci bags, and rabbis in handcuffs-gotta love New Jersey.
    1:07 PM Jul 24th, 2009

    BRET'S BEEJ BUS (VH1): On tonight's episode, singer Bret Michaels seeks the best oral sex in the Mountain Time Zone.
    8:37 AM Jul 24th, 2009

    I get my kicks riding the MARTA train and silently profiling everyone.
    8:22 AM Jul 24th, 2009

    Martians landed on Earth last night. They looked around, shrugged, said, "What a bunch of fags," and then left.
    7:22 AM Jul 24th, 2009

    I was only a minute away from solving all the world's problems, but then I got tired and fell asleep.
    7:12 AM Jul 24th, 2009

    I've never heard an Asian-American complain about police harassment.
    7:11 AM Jul 24th, 2009

    Henry Louis Gates police report: http://tinyurl.com/gatesreport
    1:07 PM Jul 23rd, 2009

    I'm man enough to admit that I need some serious hair counseling right now.
    7:01 AM Jul 23rd, 2009

    After seven hours of wielding Allah's sword, I've come to realize that being a Muslim is a LOT of hard work! I hereby renounce Islam.
    6:17 AM Jul 23rd, 2009

    I've decided to become a Muslim.
    10:58 PM Jul 22nd, 2009

    Thank you, Henry Louis Gates. Next time I see someone trying to break into a house, I'll make sure not to call the cops if he's black.
    3:17 PM Jul 22nd, 2009

    Do sperm feel pain when they die? If so, I call dibs on producing a "Silent Scream"-style documentary about it.
    12:34 PM Jul 22nd, 2009

    TAILS FROM THE LOO: I'm in pre-post-development for a hidden-camera program filmed entirely from within a bus-station toilet bowl.
    9:15 AM Jul 22nd, 2009

    There are places in Africa where even the trees have AIDS.
    9:13 PM Jul 21st, 2009

    Only 3% of births result in twins, so why do women have two tits? What's the other one for-breakfast cereal?
    7:42 PM Jul 21st, 2009

    New Beastie Boys Album: Licensed to Get Terminally Ill.
    4:55 PM Jul 21st, 2009

    Went to the emergency room this morning, and they told me I'm constipated. That's like going to prison for a traffic ticket.
    1:55 PM Jul 21st, 2009

    "Tweeting" is actually the gay-male version of "queefing" after anal sex.
    12:47 PM Jul 21st, 2009

    I was really sad to hear that the other two Beastie Boys don't have cancer.
    11:14 AM Jul 21st, 2009

    The Democrats' new "Free Needles for Infants" program is the biggest waste of tax dollars since Reagan's infamous "Guns for Babies" law.
    9:39 PM Jul 20th, 2009

    All things being equal, there's no such thing as equality.
    4:24 PM Jul 20th, 2009

    I've endured enough stalkers to know that the first red flag is when someone tells you they're not a stalker.
    3:00 PM Jul 20th, 2009

    You've swallowed enough fallacies to qualify as an expert in fallacio.
    1:34 PM Jul 20th, 2009

    The Constitution's 3/5-of-a-person rule was unfairly applied to blacks. Due to the height differential, it should have covered Mexicans.
    10:19 AM Jul 20th, 2009

    The coolest thing about living in a black neighborhood is that it protects me from all the white people who want to kill me.
    5:49 PM Jul 19th, 2009

    I guess I'll just stay home tonight and be exciting.
    4:18 PM Jul 19th, 2009

    Those two guys who were crucified on either side of Jesus must have had horrible agents.
    9:32 AM Jul 19th, 2009

    I support a person's right to die. In most cases, I'd encourage it.
    8:44 AM Jul 19th, 2009

    I'm gonna get myself a lawyer and sue the world for being such a dick.
    6:23 AM Jul 19th, 2009

    On a barstool somewhere in this vast land of ours, there sits a lonely soul who'd test positive for every STD known to man.
    12:53 PM Jul 18th, 2009

    I get no pleasure from imagining that Hillary Clinton's vagina looks like a moray eel.
    12:23 PM Jul 18th, 2009

    Vomited 100 times yesterday. Actually asked God to make it stop, and I hadn't spoken to Him in maybe a dozen years.
    12:20 PM Jul 18th, 2009

    Scratch what I just wrote: Lesbian Episcopalians are now the World's Most Annoying Thing. ... http://tinyurl.com/lezbones
    10:09 PM Jul 17th, 2009

    The only thing more annoying than lesbian sex would be if either partner says-or even THINKS of-the word "empowered" while they're licking.
    9:00 PM Jul 17th, 2009

    The NASCAR world is shocked that one of its drivers has tested positive for meth. Only one?
    6:27 PM Jul 17th, 2009

    My neighborhood's so black, all the lawn-jockey statues are white.
    2:41 PM Jul 17th, 2009

    I hate the player, the game, and especially anyone who says, "Don't hate the player, hate the game."
    7:38 AM Jul 17th, 2009

    It's a biological fact that a Latino male and a Hispanic female are required to produce a Chicano baby, regardless of its gender.
    7:48 PM Jul 16th, 2009

    I've decided to join a hate group, but I don't know which one to pick. It's SOOOO confusing! Suggestions?
    10:19 AM Jul 16th, 2009

    VEGAN GLADIATORS: I've optioned the rights to produce an adventure program where vegetarians are fed to wild animals in a coliseum setting.
    9:10 AM Jul 16th, 2009

    If a dog starts humping your leg and you find it stimulating, what's the appropriate response?
    6:20 AM Jul 16th, 2009

    I'm pitching a treatment about a reality show where people who've already appeared on reality shows sit around watching reality shows on TV.
    10:10 PM Jul 15th, 2009

    I'd personally chop down all the world's old-growth forests if it meant I'd never have to use a public-bathroom hand-dryer again.
    9:59 AM Jul 15th, 2009

    I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would change motel bed sheets better than a white male.
    9:20 AM Jul 15th, 2009

    To all the "party animals" out there: What the FUCK are you celebrating?
    6:52 AM Jul 15th, 2009

    BREAKING: Someone with a short dick either unfollowed me or died.
    4:15 PM Jul 14th, 2009

    Here's hoping your life will be even shorter than your dick.
    3:47 PM Jul 14th, 2009

    Prediction: Obama's approval rating will be lower than Sarah Palin's bra size by year's end.
    2:25 PM Jul 14th, 2009

    I've commissioned a seamstress to rework my Klan outfit into a baggy, urban-contemporary, Rocawear-style "hoodie" ensemble.
    2:16 PM Jul 14th, 2009

    LOVE to read about your drinking. Tell me AGAIN about what you drank and how drunk you got. Your rebelliousness is limitless.
    9:16 AM Jul 14th, 2009

    I can see how vigorous porcupine intercourse could be risky for both partners.
    5:36 AM Jul 14th, 2009

    America's balls have been outsourced.
    4:09 AM Jul 14th, 2009

    I'll never grasp the concept of "war crimes." Is it a cricket game? There's etiquette involved in spilling blood and seizing land?
    2:50 AM Jul 14th, 2009

    Obama has appointed another woman of color to another post. Frankly, I'm disappointed that she's not a disabled lesbian, too.
    3:22 PM Jul 13th, 2009

    The problem with "Do It Yourself" is that 99% of the "Yourselves" out there have absolutely no fucking idea what they're doing.
    1:47 PM Jul 13th, 2009

    I used to drink so much coffee, I considered swapping my kidneys for coffee filters.
    1:26 PM Jul 13th, 2009

    If man was made in God's image, I'll assume that God has an ass.
    9:24 AM Jul 13th, 2009

    Summer thunderstorms rain hot teardrops down on this Southern soil stained by the sins of my people, if I can only figure out who they are.
    7:42 PM Jul 12th, 2009

    Seeking investors for a national chain of men's-only medical boutiques where clients can relax, kick back, and get a prostate exam/massage.
    2:18 PM Jul 12th, 2009

    For decades now, the film and music industry's brightest stars have done everything in their power to help Africa except for living there.
    12:27 PM Jul 12th, 2009

    I hated when Kanye West wrote, "I hate the word hate!," so I'm one up on him.
    9:11 AM Jul 12th, 2009

    I maintain complete control of my eating habits during the day. Then I'll sleepwalk and leave the kitchen looking like bears ransacked it.
    7:31 AM Jul 12th, 2009

    The term "long arm of the law" implies that the other arm is visibly shorter. Thus, one can infer that the law is a handicapped person.
    7:03 PM Jul 11th, 2009

    Every ghost I've ever seen is white, so I classify the Ghostbusters as a hate group.
    4:46 PM Jul 11th, 2009

    The biggest asshole I've ever known was a New Jersey fireman who had me subpoenaed into a courtroom to apologize for calling him an asshole.
    7:20 AM Jul 11th, 2009

    If the pope ordered a pizza from Domino's, do you think they'd charge him for it?
    10:45 PM Jul 10th, 2009

    It's fair to say most people would be far less annoying if they didn't exist.
    9:32 PM Jul 10th, 2009

    Someone told me that most men, at some point in their lives, will actually touch their own dicks. That's the gayest shit I ever heard.
    4:31 PM Jul 10th, 2009

    Had lunch at a Nigerian restaurant. It was really spicy, and then they asked if they could deposit $10 million in my bank account.
    1:58 PM Jul 10th, 2009

    Michael Jackson's memorial service cost the City of Los Angeles $1.4 million, and he didn't even sing!
    1:22 PM Jul 9th, 2009

    I always see people talking about Martin Luther King, but they always leave out his last name, which was "Boulevard."
    12:35 PM Jul 9th, 2009

    One thing all Jehovah's Witnesses have in common: They've never personally witnessed Jehovah.
    8:51 AM Jul 9th, 2009

    One day I'll walk through Mecca eating barbecued pork ribs.
    8:51 AM Jul 9th, 2009

    OVERDOUCHE -verb 1. To immerse oneself in some douche's life to the point where it negatively impacts one's mental health.
    6:19 AM Jul 9th, 2009

    The best thing about black-on-black catfights is when the hair extensions get pulled off.
    9:11 PM Jul 8th, 2009

    Satan hasn't put out a good album since the late 80s.
    4:03 PM Jul 8th, 2009

    It's true: White men can't jump. Then again, I don't see anyone in the NBA doing calculus.
    1:33 PM Jul 8th, 2009

    Half of the Internet is public masturbation. The other half are watching.
    1:02 PM Jul 8th, 2009

    I saw real tears and genuine grief expressed by Michael Jackson's make-believe daughter yesterday.
    10:40 AM Jul 8th, 2009

    All humans share 99% of the same DNA, so we're all equal. Let's ignore the fact that we all share 98% of the same DNA with chimpanzees.
    8:52 AM Jul 8th, 2009

    I want to see a fictionalized remake of "Grizzly Man" starring Ellen DeGeneres as Timothy Treadwell.
    9:26 PM Jul 7th, 2009

    Do rapists apologize if they ejaculate prematurely?
    11:50 AM Jul 7th, 2009

    Do ordinary houseflies act homophobic toward fruit flies?
    9:12 AM Jul 7th, 2009

    Pull your thumb out of your ass so I can hear what you're saying.
    8:55 AM Jul 7th, 2009

    If you want to be truly happy, think of someone who's suffering more than you are.
    5:56 AM Jul 7th, 2009

    A classless society only makes sense if you're a schoolchild.
    10:08 PM Jul 6th, 2009

    My dog makes more noise licking her own snatch than I do when I cum. You'd think that I'd be the loud one.
    9:55 PM Jul 6th, 2009

    Good things come to those who wait, so step into my Express Line if you want to get punched.
    7:10 PM Jul 6th, 2009

    What was the largest feminine napkin ever made, and was it designed for a human, an animal, or an art project?
    9:30 AM Jul 6th, 2009

    I've traveled all over Texas, so I understand why even Texans wouldn't give it two stars.
    9:02 AM Jul 6th, 2009

    Tried pig's feet for the first time last Thursday. Was quickly reminded why I'd never eaten them before.
    9:01 AM Jul 6th, 2009

    MY KIND OF NEWS: new feature on my home page ... http://jimgoad.net/
    6:58 PM Jul 5th, 2009

    Michael Jackson was NOT a drug addict. Each pill he gobbled was a teardrop he'd swallowed in his childhood.
    5:43 PM Jul 5th, 2009

    I'm glad we've abolished leper colonies. Colonialism is wrong, and those lepers should be ashamed of themselves.
    1:24 PM Jul 5th, 2009

    BREAKING: MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD!!!
    1:05 PM Jul 5th, 2009

    Early Sunday morning. Wondering whether Satan sometimes commits good deeds just to fuck up God's whole program.
    7:33 AM Jul 5th, 2009

    Dumb Satanic (Satarded) Threat Du Jour: "You're on the highway to hell, my friend, and I'm the toll-booth clerk."
    7:42 PM Jul 4th, 2009

    I still remember screaming my tiny-tot cherry-pit nuts off in terror when my brother took me to see fireworks at age two.
    11:49 AM Jul 4th, 2009

    Today's the day to declare your independence from the dysfunctional, globally codependent relationship they're forcing on you.
    9:07 AM Jul 4th, 2009

    If the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were having intercourse, who would be the pitcher?
    7:39 PM Jul 3rd, 2009

    Thinking about eating blueberries in goat milk tomorrow morning. Very afraid I'm morphing into a senile lesbian from the Pacific Northwest.
    7:19 PM Jul 3rd, 2009

    Working on a screenplay about a man who bleeds to death after shaving his balls in the shower. Fuck-I just gave away the ending.
    11:09 AM Jul 3rd, 2009

    At an all-black supermarket in Stone Mountain, GA. Would it be more racist to buy a watermelon or not to buy it?
    10:24 AM Jul 3rd, 2009

    I'm up at 5AM, boxing with myself in a full-length mirror. If I didn't know myself, I'd think I was gay.
    5:25 AM Jul 3rd, 2009

    Women who go bald enter a shadow world of shame and loneliness that most of us will likely never inhabit.
    8:54 AM Jul 2nd, 2009

    How do blind people know where to find public signs that are written in Braille? Can any of my blind readers tell me?
    8:53 AM Jul 2nd, 2009

    I could be hallucinating, but I'm pretty sure I just saw a TV commercial where a French fry lost its erection.
    8:13 PM Jul 1st, 2009

    I have so many bug bites, it looks like someone spilled a barrel of herpes on me.
    10:11 AM Jul 1st, 2009

    Girl on the bus had hoop earrings that were so big, you could deliver a baby through them.
    8:48 AM Jul 1st, 2009

    I'd like reggae music a hell of a lot more if it was good.
    5:05 AM Jul 1st, 2009

    If forced to pick one Disney cartoon character I'd peg as a sexual predator, it'd have to be Donald Duck. That's one dirty bird right there.
    9:55 PM Jun 30th, 2009

    When I die, I'd like you to remember me as the guy who forgot your name.
    2:45 PM Jun 30th, 2009

    Let's have a Swine Flu Party! Let's coordinate it with a Hep-C Shoot-Up and an AIDS-Prevention Orgy! http://tinyurl.com/nnglcf
    12:53 PM Jun 30th, 2009

    I never tan. Five minutes under direct sunlight, and I go straight from ghost to lobster.
    8:50 AM Jun 30th, 2009

    Dear Twitter software engineers, can you PLEASE devise a way to limit people who talk loudly on the bus to 140 characters?
    8:49 AM Jun 30th, 2009

    If you live vicariously through celebrities, last week must have been sad for you. I can see how every other week in your life is sad, too.
    7:15 PM Jun 29th, 2009

    What color do you make your icon if you want to see Iranian police beat people with green icons?
    2:57 PM Jun 29th, 2009

    If you or anyone you know is selling a used dildo, contact me. I'm writing an article about it.
    2:21 PM Jun 29th, 2009

    Ate a sandwich. Walked outside. Watched TV. Took a nap. Fed the cat. Oh, wait-that's everyone else on here.
    11:48 AM Jun 29th, 2009

    Michael Jackson's 1982 LP "Fuck the Children" is listed in the Guinness Book as the top-selling album of all time.
    8:12 PM Jun 27th, 2009

    Legally, Elvis is still the king because he died on the throne.
    5:25 AM Jun 27th, 2009

    How will the "browning of America" be different than the browning of toilet paper?
    7:41 PM Jun 26th, 2009

    In order to tell a dead person to rest in peace, don't you have to disturb them? Let them rest!
    2:26 PM Jun 26th, 2009

    IN MEMORIAM: LITTLE RICHARD, 1932-2009: http://tinyurl.com/lilrich
    10:58 AM Jun 26th, 2009

    Rather than an insult, shouldn't it be a good thing to say someone "sucks" or is a "sucker"? Who doesn't like to get sucked?
    5:31 AM Jun 26th, 2009

    Michael Jackson died too soon. I was hoping that one day, he'd finally find the other glove.
    5:10 AM Jun 26th, 2009

    Farrah Fawcett's rotted anus is furious that Michael Jackson's striped penis has stolen her thunder.
    8:23 PM Jun 25th, 2009

    If I heard I was going to die of anal cancer, I'd shoot myself in the ass.
    2:17 PM Jun 25th, 2009

    Farrah's Fawcett has dripped its last drop.
    1:53 PM Jun 25th, 2009

    Who watches the watchdogs? Why, the whistle-blowers do. Then the rats snitch on the finks, who turn around and narc on the stool pigeons.
    1:05 PM Jun 25th, 2009

    I have never-no, not once in my life-chilled out.
    10:04 AM Jun 25th, 2009

    If you can't say anything nice, then say the meanest fucking thing you can imagine.
    12:09 AM Jun 25th, 2009

    I'm glad you like to socialize, but I insist you do it somewhere else.
    11:58 PM Jun 24th, 2009

    You light up my life and I cum in your ass: http://tinyurl.com/youlite
    2:20 PM Jun 24th, 2009

    Laughing yourself to death: http://tinyurl.com/laffdeth
    2:01 PM Jun 24th, 2009

    To bash "the South" is to dis the region with, by FAR, the USA's highest BQ. So shut up or take some of them: http://tinyurl.com/n533qa
    12:14 PM Jun 24th, 2009

    I don't care how many words Eskimos have for "snow." I have at least a hundred different words for "black person."
    10:20 AM Jun 24th, 2009

    To fight "systemic antimicrobial cruelty in the medical industry," PETA has vowed to protect the Ebola virus from all harm and mistreatment.
    8:35 AM Jun 24th, 2009

    Ornithology is the only field where "left wing" and "right wing" actually mean something.
    5:22 AM Jun 24th, 2009

    Big fan of those unmanned Predator drone killer aircraft. How much do those things cost? Can you get them on Craigslist? Do they play MP3s?
    8:53 PM Jun 23rd, 2009

    After decades of denial, Ed McMahon has finally admitted he's dead.
    10:01 AM Jun 23rd, 2009

    I refuse to believe Hitler was a vegetarian. He just didn't seem that pushy.
    6:08 AM Jun 23rd, 2009

    Where do the animal-rights people stand on public masturbation by animals? That seems more like a privilege than a right.
    6:00 AM Jun 23rd, 2009

    I've owned two Persian cats, and they both hated it when I called them Iranian.
    5:54 AM Jun 23rd, 2009

    Women make lousy comedians despite being so hysterical.
    7:27 PM Jun 22nd, 2009

    I'd rather steal an election than have a face that looks like it was carved out of a fucking coconut: http://tinyurl.com/njreep
    3:14 PM Jun 22nd, 2009

    Years ago, Ryan O'Neal told Farrah Fawcett, "I love you, but you're just not marriage material until you're a terminal ass-cancer patient."
    2:16 PM Jun 22nd, 2009

    Why is it that equality's loudest mouthpieces never seem to count dead bodies equally?
    11:24 AM Jun 22nd, 2009

    A hundred million noxious demons have emerged from Atlanta's rusty, decrepit sewers to remind our nostrils that it's summertime.
    9:27 AM Jun 22nd, 2009

    Escaping to a north Georgia mountain cabin to reenact the rape scene from "Deliverance" with Shannon. I'll be back Sunday, Tweedledumdums.
    4:19 PM Jun 19th, 2009

    For Sale on eBay: The Holocaust! http://tinyurl.com/lam4a7
    2:24 PM Jun 19th, 2009

    I ran my "Fuck the Muslims" article through Google Translate. Looks like there's no word in Arabic for "dillhole": http://tinyurl.com/nmw7f7
    11:21 AM Jun 19th, 2009

    It could have been worse. They could have stolen his wheelchair, too: http://tinyurl.com/nd6rpc
    11:16 AM Jun 19th, 2009

    The UN reports that over a billion people are now hungry. My suggestion: EAT!
    11:12 AM Jun 19th, 2009

    I'd imagine his penis looks like a dried seahorse: http://tinyurl.com/l2mup6
    10:37 AM Jun 19th, 2009

    It's polite to say, "nigga, pleeze," but it should always be followed by "nigga, thank you" and a reciprocal "nigga, you're welcome."
    6:07 AM Jun 19th, 2009

    I've known guys who were such douches, all vaginas within a one-mile radius of them would get disinfected.
    9:40 PM Jun 18th, 2009

    Whoever wrote "all men are created equal" has obviously never been in a locker room.
    4:33 PM Jun 18th, 2009

    NASCAR races would be far more exciting if pedestrians were somehow involved.
    6:29 AM Jun 18th, 2009

    Everyone knows that all of America's wealth and power was built on slavery, so it really was a miracle that the North won the Civil War.
    4:50 AM Jun 18th, 2009

    Hillary Clinton has fractured her elbow. Bill Clinton can breathe easier for the next few weeks: http://tinyurl.com/ml84a9
    4:46 AM Jun 18th, 2009

    Tehran's bloody street protests remind me of that great old song by A Flock of Seagulls called "Iran." Whatever happened to those guys?
    4:07 AM Jun 18th, 2009

    Can't they use Jewish Scarecrows to dispel the rioters in Tehran?
    1:18 PM Jun 17th, 2009

    Some jobs are recession-proof. The future looks bright for forced laborers and sex slaves: http://tinyurl.com/mq4ev9
    10:02 AM Jun 17th, 2009

    In the tall trees behind our house, birds are wailing as if they're predicting an imminent apocalypse. Or maybe I'm just psychotic.
    6:59 AM Jun 17th, 2009

    When fat people disappear, do they vanish into thick air?
    7:30 PM Jun 16th, 2009

    What percentage of mail-order brides get damaged during shipping?
    9:59 AM Jun 16th, 2009

    If Hitler had killed six million Frenchmen, no one would have complained.
    8:52 AM Jun 16th, 2009

    God talks to millions of people daily, yet everyone forgets to capture it on videotape.
    5:36 AM Jun 16th, 2009

    Do porno directors ever employ "stunt testicles" for especially difficult scenes? How much does that sort of thing pay?
    9:09 PM Jun 15th, 2009

    I'd like to kidney-punch anyone who asks, "Who's this?" when I answer the phone. YOU'RE the one who called ME, genius. Who the fuck are YOU?
    3:06 PM Jun 15th, 2009

    It makes sense for American blacks to turn to Islam. That way, they give props to their ORIGINAL slavemasters: http://tinyurl.com/2v2sfw
    11:39 AM Jun 15th, 2009

    I'm tired of these "gays" in their smoky piano bars, swapping oily shaved rodents and germ-coated blunt objects: http://tinyurl.com/h4ybo
    9:16 AM Jun 15th, 2009

    When you sit on a public toilet, your ass has sex with every ass that ever sat there, along with every ass those asses ever had sex with.
    3:53 AM Jun 15th, 2009

    Someone posts my article without asking me or crediting me. Hostile young communists immediately misinterpret it: http://tinyurl.com/nzagey
    3:05 AM Jun 15th, 2009

    Lakers win NBA Finals, then vandalism and bonfires erupt throughout LA. They riot when it RAINS out there. Broke a fingernail? Another riot.
    2:57 AM Jun 15th, 2009

    Kim Jong-il's testicles may be the size of cherry pits, but he's got balls the size of mushroom clouds.
    6:42 PM Jun 14th, 2009

    Do genital lice consider it hate speech if you call them "crabs"?
    10:40 AM Jun 14th, 2009

    "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert has summoned an emergency press conference to announce he feels even gayer than he did last week.
    4:53 AM Jun 14th, 2009

    Outraged voters are fighting in the streets of Iran, where summer is in full blaze. I'm glad, as an American, that I don't have to smell it.
    4:39 AM Jun 14th, 2009

    Were the Afghan people named after the dog or the sweater?
    6:13 AM Jun 13th, 2009

    The Nazis couldn't have been THAT good at killing, or they wouldn't have lost the war.
    7:53 PM Jun 12th, 2009

    Winnie the Pooh looks like the priest at my high school who touched boys.
    7:53 PM Jun 12th, 2009

    Human beings trying to "save" the Earth make as much sense as a terminal patient trying to "save" his life-support machine.
    1:20 PM Jun 12th, 2009

    Why name someone "Chastity" if they're going to wind up getting a dick sewn onto them?
    11:41 AM Jun 12th, 2009

    Oh, to be a bird...to eat for free...to spread one's wings and soar up toward cottony clouds and the honey-coated sun...to shit on everyone.
    9:09 AM Jun 12th, 2009

    Calling someone a "racist" is racist. Get your fucking minds off race. Let ME focus on it.
    9:06 AM Jun 12th, 2009

    Chastity Bono is having a sex change. Does that mean she'll become a man or a woman?
    9:51 PM Jun 11th, 2009

    Einstein's theory of relativity omitted the part about how I hate most of my relatives.
    11:49 AM Jun 11th, 2009

    Does every European city have an American Slavery Memorial, or are we the only shmoes who build monuments to things that didn't happen here?
    11:37 AM Jun 11th, 2009

    Has there ever been a rapist who was such a lousy lay, their victim fell asleep during the rape?
    9:06 AM Jun 11th, 2009

    Guantanamo Bay is on waterfront property in a sunny climate, so who's to complain? I was locked up in Salem, Oregon. What about MY rights?
    6:08 AM Jun 11th, 2009

    I just read that 6,000 Asian men are married to black women in the USA. That estimate sounds high by, I don't know, about 6,000 or so.
    4:52 PM Jun 10th, 2009

    When all was said and done, did anyone actually learn to improve their concentration at those concentration camps?
    9:09 AM Jun 10th, 2009

    I resent Barack Obama because his messiah complex worked out better than mine.
    10:45 PM Jun 9th, 2009

    One day, all the people who've ever cried themselves to death will rise from their graves and record a song together.
    10:32 PM Jun 9th, 2009

    I asked Shannon whether my balls are stinky, and she assured me that they are not.
    10:16 PM Jun 9th, 2009

    "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert has finally admitted he's gay. In other news, actor Wesley Snipes has finally admitted he's black.
    2:38 PM Jun 9th, 2009

    I play a gum-chewing asshole cop. See the jail cell? It's the first cell I occupied during my 2.5-year prison bid: http://tinyurl.com/myg7z2
    11:57 AM Jun 9th, 2009

    I question the intelligence of anyone who's super-happy. Have you ever seen a depressed Mongoloid?
    9:00 AM Jun 9th, 2009

    If my wife and I had anal sex, would we have a black baby?
    8:39 AM Jun 9th, 2009

    There's one group I've always hated FAR more than any other: drunks. C'mon, gang: Hoist your mugs, shout "WOOOO!," and get hit by a truck.
    8:21 PM Jun 8th, 2009

    Angelina Jolie earned an estimated $27 million over the past year, enabling her to purchase the entire infant population of Kenya.
    10:06 AM Jun 8th, 2009

    If only he had used his face to frighten aborted babies back into the womb: http://tinyurl.com/l2qmxl
    4:55 AM Jun 8th, 2009

    England once ruled the world. Then it smiled, everyone saw its teeth, and the inevitable decline began.
    4:52 AM Jun 8th, 2009

    If Adam Sandler were to stub his toe on an AIDS-fish while snorkeling in the Bahamas, it'd be the first time he made me laugh.
    4:01 AM Jun 8th, 2009

    Is it possible to be an EX-hipster? If you tell the other hipsters you want to leave the group, do they get violent?
    4:24 PM Jun 7th, 2009

    Sonia Sotomayor is so ugly, her face could scare Mexicans back across the border.
    8:59 AM Jun 7th, 2009

    Sunday morning. I'm going to grab a bowl of Freedom Fries and watch some live abortions on TV.
    6:29 AM Jun 7th, 2009

    I've found a cure for the summertime blues: freezing your balls off in January.
    5:44 PM Jun 6th, 2009

    Weird Sex Act: A "Millard Fillmore" is when you eat the president's asshole.
    1:09 PM Jun 6th, 2009

    Back before the Internet, how were they able to fight all those wars without MapQuest?
    10:14 PM Jun 5th, 2009

    My "Things to do for 2010" list includes a Holocaust-Survivor Pinups Calendar.
    1:07 PM Jun 5th, 2009

    I haven't had a sip of alcohol since April of 1982. What's more impressive is that I haven't worn tighty-whities since December of 2003.
    1:02 PM Jun 5th, 2009

    A year ago today, surgeons took nine hours to yank this out of my skull: http://tinyurl.com/osxj8d. I still have my tonsils, though.
    12:40 PM Jun 5th, 2009

    Lance Armstrong's Cancer Balls have produced a son, Testes Carcinoma Armstrong.
    4:18 AM Jun 5th, 2009

    I fail to see how 400 years of oppression justify cutting ahead of people in line.
    8:48 AM Jun 4th, 2009

    If murder is always wrong, why does God kill everyone?
    5:25 AM Jun 4th, 2009

    Clash of the World's Most Offensive Fish: Nigger-Fish (http://tinyurl.com/pa838m) v. Amazon Penis Fish (http://tinyurl.com/oje3mq)
    8:22 PM Jun 3rd, 2009

    A reliable source tells me that British singing sensation Susan Boyle keeps a small family of hedgehogs nestled in her vagina at all times.
    4:55 PM Jun 3rd, 2009

    Vegans never seem to get outraged when animals kill and eat other animals. Not one of them has the balls to scold and lecture a tiger.
    2:57 PM Jun 3rd, 2009

    Many people don't realize that in certain gay circles, "Googling" is a slang term for inserting a mouse in your urethra.
    1:45 PM Jun 3rd, 2009

    Just killed a cricket in my basement that was so large, I could tell it was a boy.
    7:02 AM Jun 3rd, 2009

    Obama's in the Middle East telling Muslims, "Hey, it's cool. It's OK. We're cool with you. Really. It's all good. No worries. We're cool."
    6:37 AM Jun 3rd, 2009

    52% of Americans say torture is sometimes justified, so let's all torture the other 48%.
    6:08 AM Jun 3rd, 2009

    How do you tell your kid the world is fucked-up without fucking them up?
    4:20 AM Jun 3rd, 2009

    I'd enjoy seeing a Radical Militant Mulatto Separatist Movement, but it may not happen in my lifetime.
    9:25 PM Jun 2nd, 2009

    My problem with white people is that they have a problem with being white.
    8:03 PM Jun 2nd, 2009

    Did Hitler shave his pubes in the "Hitler Mustache" style? If so, did he refer to his own mustache as "Hitler's Pubes"?
    3:47 PM Jun 2nd, 2009

    Dick Cheney has "come out" in favor of dick-on-dick marriage. 100,000 size queens abruptly shouted, "Pick ME!": http://tinyurl.com/plw4ag
    1:56 PM Jun 2nd, 2009

    Portland: The town where no one's a star and everyone acts like one. Please, Mr. President, send more nonwhites there to commit hate crimes.
    12:44 PM Jun 2nd, 2009

    I like to give people the silent treatment so hard, they go deaf.
    9:29 AM Jun 2nd, 2009

    I wonder whether Martians have racial slurs for earthlings.
    9:03 AM Jun 2nd, 2009

    Rosa Parks's younger sister, Alba Parks, once bravely refused to get out of a taxi. Her cousin Ted Parks once slept in a car for two weeks.
    9:15 PM Jun 1st, 2009

    I sat in the back of a bus full of black people today. Thanks a LOT, Rosa Parks.
    7:34 PM Jun 1st, 2009

    Apocalypse Prediction: The world will end two seconds after everyone's attention span is too short for Twitter.
    5:11 PM Jun 1st, 2009

    ROCK THE OVENS, Y'ALL! "Heavy metal may not sound like an appropriate way to show the evils of the Holocaust": http://tinyurl.com/lrefgf
    1:23 PM Jun 1st, 2009

    Teaching kids about infanticide: http://tinyurl.com/nbgbgv
    12:31 PM Jun 1st, 2009

    The sweetest fairy tale ever told is the one where God made everyone equal.
    12:02 PM Jun 1st, 2009

    ATL ladies: Why spend $700 on your nails when you weigh 700 pounds? Do you use those custom-painted claws to spear ten corncobs at a time?
    9:08 AM Jun 1st, 2009

    Fat girls with floppy boobs and pasty armpits slurping Big Gulps on summer afternoons make me lose any empathy I've felt for anyone, ever.
    7:53 PM May 30th, 2009

    I'd like to see Rodney King as a NASCAR driver.
    9:29 AM May 30th, 2009

    BREAKING: White people kidnapped blacks from Africa and cruelly robbed them of their culture's innate skinniness: http://tinyurl.com/mhq9gq
    6:50 AM May 30th, 2009

    I just felt an odd chill, a creepy foreboding, perchance even a prophetic vision, that by the year 2050, all men will have huge, round tits.
    9:54 PM May 29th, 2009

    In Mexican pop culture, do actors and writers constantly kvetch that everything is run by Mexicans, or are they less suicidal than us?
    7:37 PM May 29th, 2009

    @blognigger: A black Starbucks? That's like finding a unicorn!
    2:08 PM May 29th, 2009

    It's all good. Cancer, AIDS, murder, rape, suicide, racism, bloodshed, nuclear bombs, tapeworms, halitosis, genital warts: IT'S ALL GOOD.
    2:07 PM May 29th, 2009

    Tomorrow we're moving from a neighborhood that's 87.4% black to one that's 86.8% black. It's for "personal reasons."
    1:46 PM May 29th, 2009

    I doubt that any Chileans will be reading this, so let's all hate on them today.
    9:35 AM May 29th, 2009

    For a moment I seriously pondered whether it would be worse to be anally or vaginally raped. Then I realized I don't have a vagina.
    1:29 AM May 29th, 2009

    North Korean potentate Kim Jong-Il is Asian, right? Does that mean his ballistic missiles are smaller?
    9:44 PM May 28th, 2009

    Anytime anyone uses the word "evil" as if it's something that actually exists, I know I'm dealing with a dimwit.
    4:40 PM May 28th, 2009

    Weaving brightly colored beads into dreadlocks is like sprinkling rhinestones on poop.
    9:01 AM May 28th, 2009

    If anti-racism was a country, its chief export would be sanctimony.
    9:00 AM May 28th, 2009

    @Street_Carnage: Each of Beth "Dog" Chapman's boobs is the size of a motorcycle sidecar.
    6:00 AM May 28th, 2009

    How did people who don't speak a word of Latin, have never been to Rome, and don't own a single toga come to be known as "Latinos"?
    5:30 AM May 28th, 2009

    Astronomers discover Oprah's vagina: http://tinyurl.com/p27aog
    5:23 AM May 28th, 2009

    Pushy blind guy on MARTA. Touch my Beatle boots one more time with your red-tipped walking stick, and I'll lance your hemorrhoids with it.
    6:59 PM May 27th, 2009

    Five bucks says Sonia Sotomayor's dick is bigger than Ron Jeremy's.
    4:39 PM May 27th, 2009

    I've seen bison with lovelier faces than Sonia Sotomayor.
    2:23 PM May 27th, 2009

    Exodus Tyson is dead from a tragic exercise-machine mishap. Please send condolences to her brother Leviticus and sister Deuteronomy.
    9:14 AM May 27th, 2009

    As a former Catholic altar boy, the fact that I wasn't molested hurts my self-esteem more than you'll ever know.
    4:49 AM May 27th, 2009

    Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have threatened to stop Tweeting. If it were legal to do so, I'd suggest they stop living, too.
    3:43 AM May 27th, 2009

    What's with these schmucks who think they can wipe out "hate" as if it were polio? Hatred makes more sense than any of these putzes.
    3:02 AM May 27th, 2009

    "Many mothers have no regrets about ironing their daughter's breasts": http://tinyurl.com/fgfk7
    3:10 PM May 26th, 2009

    "Penis," "labia," "vulva," "scrotum," and "anus" sound like clothing and accessories for a Latin Mass.
    2:11 PM May 26th, 2009

    Quite an ugly Supreme Court nominee there, Mr. President. She looks like Ron Jeremy with less facial hair.
    12:53 PM May 26th, 2009

    My infant son is bigger than 98% of babies his age. I figure he'll be twelve before he can kick my ass.
    11:52 AM May 26th, 2009

    You're so corny, I poop yellow kernels just thinking about you.
    9:06 AM May 26th, 2009

    Once you've seen a puppy suck another puppy's dick, few things will ever seem sacred again.
    5:40 AM May 26th, 2009

    Drunk, toothless, pill-popping mom on "Intervention" talks about being raped at a homeless shelter. I can see how that would be depressing.
    8:50 PM May 25th, 2009

    Humidity is what makes the South sexier. It's like atmospheric K-Y Jelly.
    10:41 AM May 25th, 2009

    I have one magical superpower: I can take one sip from a bowl of soup and immediately tell whether it was made by white anarchists.
    10:23 AM May 25th, 2009

    This story was written with a flagrant anti-dragon bias: http://tinyurl.com/ohcqqr
    10:09 AM May 25th, 2009

    My brother saw combat in Vietnam but managed NOT to get killed, so I guess we can all forget about him on Memorial Day.
    6:08 AM May 25th, 2009

    People are always surprised that I don't like Mexican food, but the reason should be obvious.
    5:52 AM May 25th, 2009

    Thunderstorms. Last night the natives were spraying buckshot back in the woods. Tonight God's blasting his shotgun up in the clouds.
    7:10 PM May 24th, 2009

    I doubt there's a correlation, but I just noticed I had an erection while watching "Barney the Dinosaur."
    2:07 PM May 24th, 2009

    I'm fucking tired of all these racist assholes who assume I know how to make potato salad just because I'm Irish.
    12:03 PM May 24th, 2009

    African queen in flip-flops scratching bug bites at Walmart emphatically tells her Baby Daddy, "I want some Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch."
    9:05 AM May 24th, 2009

    The saddest thing possible would be if you were "into Satan" and even Satan didn't like you. Imagine not even being able to get into hell.
    2:48 AM May 24th, 2009

    A rainy night in Georgia. Heard about a dozen shotgun blasts in a row only two minutes ago.
    2:11 AM May 24th, 2009

    Some gays say that some anti-gays are even gayer than some gays, but that seems gay to me.
    7:56 PM May 23rd, 2009

    Why is it that the loudest proponents of "peace" and "understanding" are always arguing with people and don't seem to understand anything?
    5:44 PM May 23rd, 2009

    Memorial Day Weekend is when we gather to celebrate the deaths of all the brave American soldiers who will always remain dead in our hearts.
    9:19 AM May 23rd, 2009

    Progressives who defend Muslims make as much sense as Jews who defend Hitler.
    7:48 AM May 23rd, 2009

    Blood may be thicker than water, but feces is thicker than both.
    1:36 AM May 23rd, 2009

    Fat, gap-toothed lady giving out free tubes of "Bump Patrol" shaving gel told Shannon the gel had rendered her own muff "smooth as silk."
    6:40 PM May 22nd, 2009

    Where is the joy in life if you can't be free to hate somebody?
    11:46 AM May 22nd, 2009

    I think it's cool that I have seizures. It makes me feel all "edgy."
    11:33 AM May 22nd, 2009

    This old world has wiped its ass all over my heart for as long as I can remember.
    10:04 AM May 22nd, 2009

    What do the Mongols call their Mongoloids?
    9:26 AM May 22nd, 2009

    Carmelo Anthony just beat the Lakers while his brothers Marshmelo and Nougat Anthony cheered in the stands.
    4:27 AM May 22nd, 2009

    Is golfing legend Arnold Palmer still alive? If he is, I'd suspect that he and I keep roughly the same hours.
    9:17 PM May 21st, 2009

    Is it wrong to derive raw animal pleasure at the thought of every cast member of "Friends" being decapitated simultaneously on live TV?
    8:08 PM May 21st, 2009

    Someone reached my site today after searching the text string "forced dog fuck his dog stories." But I had kept the dog-fucking on the DL!
    7:03 PM May 21st, 2009

    I spent much of my adolescence worried that my balls would become irreversibly twisted around one another.
    2:18 PM May 21st, 2009

    In meditative moments listening to my iPod on the train, I wonder what's the largest item anyone's ever stuck up their ass.
    8:53 AM May 21st, 2009

    I would have made a great District Attorney if I wasn't such a felon.
    8:51 AM May 21st, 2009

    What IS a "neo-Nazi," anyway? Is that anything like New Coke?
    12:57 PM May 20th, 2009

    Did EVERY male model who posed for paintings and sculptures from ancient Greece through the Renaissance suffer from micropenis?
    11:49 AM May 20th, 2009

    Why can judges force 13-year-olds to undergo chemo, but they can't force them to read and shut up on the subway?
    11:10 AM May 20th, 2009

    There's a direct correlation between saggy pants and brain damage.
    10:57 AM May 20th, 2009

    My film cameo as a gang-leading street thug who assaults a man for craving women's breasts too much: http://tinyurl.com/plyvfr
    9:20 AM May 20th, 2009

    A squat, toadstool-shaped girl on MARTA was toting a Tupac Shakur-themed backpack, or perhaps the proper spelling should be "BacPac."
    9:03 AM May 20th, 2009

    "Dancing With the Stars" would only be interesting if all the contestants were quadriplegic.
    6:22 AM May 20th, 2009

    Pause for a moment to think of all the ugly women you've known who'd be extremely ugly even if they were men.
    8:47 PM May 19th, 2009

    Steven Spielberg is filming an MLK biopic. I had a dream I stood on a mountaintop and puked.
    8:22 PM May 19th, 2009

    Crybaby says the Washington Redskins need a new nickname. I suggest "The D.C. Indigenous Alcoholic Primitives": http://tinyurl.com/r5y9ty
    5:06 PM May 19th, 2009

    Parental Chinese Water Torture: Getting Disney songs stuck in your head.
    1:22 PM May 19th, 2009

    Channel-surfed past "The Sound of Music." Had trouble believing anyone fucked Julie Andrews enough times to give her that many children.
    9:46 AM May 19th, 2009

    Has there ever been a porno made with humans and dinosaurs? I don't mean some cheesy fake-ass special-effects job, but the real thing?
    2:54 AM May 19th, 2009

    Environmentalists are shortsighted. What are you going to do with the turtles and the whales once you save them? Watch TV?
    2:16 AM May 19th, 2009

    If there's a more repellent synonym for "vagina" than "womb," don't tell me what it is, or I'll shove you back up inside your mother.
    3:35 PM May 18th, 2009

    Why the fuck was Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall if he had an eggshell body? That's what psychologists call "risk-taking behavior."
    11:17 AM May 18th, 2009

    Wouldn't it have made more sense for Jack B. Nimble to WALK AROUND the fucking candlestick?
    9:07 AM May 18th, 2009

    The cool thing about white people who think white people shouldn't breed is that they don't breed.
    7:20 AM May 18th, 2009

    Sports-team names should reflect their city of origin. I'd buy tickets to see the Philadelphia Assholes play the Portland Guilty Whites.
    4:17 AM May 18th, 2009

    Delaware oil refinery explodes. Fireballs light the sky. Rest of the country asks, "Where's Delaware?": http://tinyurl.com/qypzmc
    4:00 AM May 18th, 2009

    Knowing that we're all ex-sperm, it's hard to take anyone seriously.
    5:19 PM May 17th, 2009

    It's a rainy Sunday, and my mind drifts back to the anti-abortion flyers they'd hand out before Sunday Mass. Goriest shit I've ever seen.
    3:33 PM May 17th, 2009

    "Fag" is a funny word because fags are funny. Following the same logic, "dyke" is an ugly word.
    3:02 PM May 17th, 2009

    Any guy who gets aroused at the sight of two women kissing is a homo.
    2:17 PM May 17th, 2009

    What's the difference between race, culture, equality, and justice? Except for race, they're all social constructs.
    6:31 AM May 17th, 2009

    The TV program "Cheaters" just showed a fag punching another fag for fucking another fag. It was a Perfect Fag Triangle.
    7:33 PM May 16th, 2009

    Except for the future, history is the biggest asshole of them all.
    6:49 PM May 16th, 2009

    In third grade, a nun told me the problem with America's youth was that they listened to "those Simon & Garfunkel records." She was right.
    1:37 PM May 16th, 2009

    I like the Somali pirates. You don't normally see black people get that much into boating.
    8:15 AM May 16th, 2009

    I'd be pro-life if I believed people deserved to live, and I'd be pro-choice if I believed people were able to make decisions.
    4:29 AM May 16th, 2009

    This partisan fagfest about political torture is absolute torture. Torture everyone involved-not to force confessions, but to shut them up.
    4:22 AM May 16th, 2009

    Pearl Jam's bassist got mugged in Atlanta. Whenever a rock star gets hurt in Atlanta, I'm happy.
    1:02 PM May 15th, 2009

    You went a little overboard with the cocoa butter on MARTA this morning, folks.
    9:25 AM May 15th, 2009

    Allow me to paint a picture in the softest, most muted hues possible: I don't have the world's most efficient digestive system.
    6:43 AM May 15th, 2009

    I'm a caramel-drizzled, jimmie-sprinkled, whipped-cream-smothered ice-cream sundae with a cherry on top. That is, until you step on my toes.
    6:04 AM May 15th, 2009

    Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is the only dog I'd shoot in the head. Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter, too, but just in the kneecaps for laughs.
    9:02 PM May 14th, 2009

    I'm a big fan of TV drug-ad disclaimers. After stroke, cancer, and rectal bleeding, you still don't know the pill's name or what it treats.
    5:09 PM May 14th, 2009

    Instead of a Frankenstein scar, my craniotomy left me with bumps and ridges on my dome that look like an aerial pic of the Andes Mountains.
    4:24 PM May 14th, 2009

    Are ALL war veterans and recently fired workers "disgruntled"? Isn't there one amid their legions who is perfectly happy and fully gruntled?
    3:15 PM May 14th, 2009

    Snake rises from toilet bowl to bite man's schween. "Knife-like pain" and lifelong toiletphobia ensue: http://tinyurl.com/oum7ef
    12:46 PM May 14th, 2009

    Pill manufacturer offers free Viagra for the jobless, hoping they can power-fuck their way out of the recession: http://tinyurl.com/phabpo
    12:35 PM May 14th, 2009

    "Mama Tried" is a common tattoo among prison lifers. Shouldn't it be "Mama Failed"?
    6:25 AM May 14th, 2009

    I'd like to see a form of Extreme Fighting where the only legal move is kicking the other guy in the balls.
    1:48 AM May 14th, 2009

    I thank God every day that I can't remember one minute of the nine months I spent inside my mother's vagina.
    1:34 AM May 14th, 2009

    My fear of heights is getting worse. Two weeks ago, I held my breath and clenched my eyes shut on a gay little teacup carnival Ferris wheel.
    9:08 PM May 13th, 2009

    Dogs supposedly sniff each others' asses to acquire "information." Personally, once ass-sniffing is involved, that's too much information.
    2:09 PM May 13th, 2009

    If the world saw how gay I act toward my son and dog, the UN would mandate a full-blown Matthew Shepard job on me broadcast on Pay-Per-View.
    12:34 PM May 13th, 2009

    It's the weirdest thing: When Hispanics talk to one another, I can't understand a word they're saying.
    5:15 AM May 13th, 2009

    My Irish DNA and my English DNA frequently battle one another, but neither side has ever so much as SPOKEN to my French DNA.
    4:57 AM May 13th, 2009

    Why do the Irish eat so many potatoes? Haven't they figured out how to turn them into vodka?
    4:53 AM May 13th, 2009

    I don't understand why female porn stars call themselves "actresses." Are they taking "pretend" dicks in their "imaginary" asses?
    8:30 PM May 12th, 2009

    When I was two, I thought poop came from a Snidely Whiplash-looking man who lived in my ass and rolled turd boulders out of my anus for fun.
    6:21 PM May 12th, 2009

    Perry Farrell was hospitalized after injuring his leg at a show in Atlanta on Sunday. Not as good as both legs, but it's better than none.
    10:33 AM May 12th, 2009

    T.H.U.G. Awards are coming to the ATL later this week: http://www.thugawards.com
    10:22 AM May 12th, 2009

    Would you kindly point to a successful multilingual/multiracial society before bulldozing the USA to build Trump's Tower of Babel II?
    6:16 AM May 12th, 2009

    At this point in my life, the only mature option is to outlive and exult in the death of anyone who's ever said anything negative about me.
    5:48 AM May 12th, 2009

    Are you sure you want to get into a staring contest with a guy who survived prison, brain surgery, and Philadelphia water?
    10:07 PM May 11th, 2009

    Heard a "song" by the "genius" John Coltrane a few days ago. It sounded like a parakeet shitting blood. I distrust anyone who likes jazz.
    11:13 AM May 11th, 2009

    The Central Park Sprinter has been darting and dashing through the park for decades without getting raped. Central Park Jogger, take note.
    6:11 AM May 11th, 2009

    A lonesome train whistle wails in the murky Southern night, waking me the FUCK up like I'm Joe Pesci in "My Cousin Vinny."
    5:08 AM May 11th, 2009

    "Think of all the disgusting things people are doing right now," I said to Shannon, and for a moment she looked truly horrified.
    7:45 PM May 10th, 2009

    "Josey Scrotum" would be a genius name for a retarded LA hair band.
    2:39 PM May 10th, 2009

    Can we make a "hate speech" exception for the obese? Tax those fat fucks for every pound they're overweight. BOOM! Free healthcare for all!
    12:15 PM May 10th, 2009

    What qualifies that hideous homo Perez Hilton to be a judge at female beauty pageants?
    7:04 AM May 10th, 2009

    When I was a kid, I thought that by 2009 we'd all be flying in spaceships rather than remaking Star Trek.
    6:16 AM May 10th, 2009

    God took a shit the day you were born.
    7:59 PM May 9th, 2009

    A recent onslaught of storms has killed five people in the Midwest. That's really not enough to make much of a difference.
    11:21 AM May 9th, 2009

    Gandhi may have been a nice guy, but it'd be stretching things to say he was a looker. I've seen crustaceans that were more attractive.
    10:56 AM May 9th, 2009

    The USA has done many things of which I don't approve, but putting The Simpsons on a postage stamp makes me want to renounce my citizenship.
    10:49 AM May 9th, 2009

    No one "eats" pussy. They only TASTE it. Eating it would be way too painful for the girl.
    2:55 AM May 9th, 2009

    Only fairies believe in angels.
    2:39 AM May 9th, 2009

    Most of the world's pain and suffering could be permanently alleviated simply if it dropped the "attitude" and listened to me.
    2:35 AM May 9th, 2009

    It's wrong to say black people look like monkeys. Vietnamese people are the ones who look like monkeys.
    2:45 PM May 8th, 2009

    The Pope has expressed "deep respect" for Islam. Surprise! Islam didn't reciprocate.
    2:37 PM May 8th, 2009

    How many 'hoods would a peckerwood wreck if a peckerwood could wreck 'hoods?
    11:14 AM May 8th, 2009

    You can make any love song anti-Semitic by replacing the word "you" with "Jew."
    7:23 AM May 8th, 2009

    You wouldn't offend me so much if you weren't so easily offended.
    4:14 AM May 8th, 2009

    Somewhere past our solar system and galaxy, beyond the Crab Nebula and remotest quarks 'n' quasars, there is intelligent life. But not here.
    3:38 AM May 8th, 2009

    I'll never understand why some people get pissed when you tell them their entire existence can be blamed on a rare instance of Divine Error.
    9:34 PM May 7th, 2009

    Imagine being asked at gunpoint to name your 10 favorite Asian comedians.
    2:12 PM May 7th, 2009

    I failed to claim my two free pieces of Oprah's chicken yesterday. Does this mean that Oprah ate them?
    10:00 AM May 7th, 2009

    The Georgia honeysuckles smelled delightful in the post-rain morning mist. If that makes me a homo, then call me Rock Hudson!
    8:56 AM May 7th, 2009

    Lots of people coughing on MARTA this morning. Held my breath 'til I looked like one of the Blue Man Group. MUST...NOT...GET...SWINE...FLU!
    8:49 AM May 7th, 2009

    If race isn't real, then I'm not really a racist.
    6:36 AM May 7th, 2009

    Everyone knows the swine flu began when pigs and birds had sex in Africa, then a monkey bit a gay man's ass, who then flew to America.
    6:10 AM May 7th, 2009

    Anyone who says "There are limits to free speech" is wrong. Look up "free" in the dictionary, you buzzkilling Stalinist control-freak homos.
    5:09 AM May 7th, 2009

    Maine has legalized same-sex marriage, which directly affects about two dozen people and millions of lobsters and moose.
    4:08 PM May 6th, 2009

    The difference between Hitler and Eminem is that Hitler was a talented vocalist.
    4:02 PM May 6th, 2009

    Face-transplant recipient claims "I'm not a monster." I think that's for me to decide, Mugsy. My verdict: You're a monster.
    10:10 AM May 6th, 2009

    During quiet, tender, contemplative, dewy early morning moments such as this, I wish deeply that the world was not the way it appears to be.
    5:13 AM May 6th, 2009

    I, like, TOTALLY forgot that last Friday was "Beat Up a White Kid Day": http://tinyurl.com/ckbz82
    4:55 AM May 6th, 2009

    Not to be outdone by Oprah's Free Chicken Giveaway, the King Kleagle of Georgia's KKK is doling out free jars of mayonnaise at noon today.
    4:03 AM May 6th, 2009

    I don't recall a major Hollywood actor ever playing a retarded black gay man with AIDS in a wheelchair, because he would have won an Oscar.
    8:58 PM May 5th, 2009

    It shouldn't be illegal to yell "FIRE!" in a crowded theater if you didn't crowd the theater or start the fire.
    11:21 AM May 5th, 2009

    Ego severely bruised that my name is not on the new list of people banned from the UK for hatemongering. Whom do I have to insult/threaten?
    11:19 AM May 5th, 2009

    Hodge's Bar-B-Que in Decatur, GA, is so good, I want to wear blackface for the rest of my life.
    9:15 AM May 5th, 2009

    Black woman on MARTA with peroxide-blonde 1mm buzzcut. Her head looks like a kiwi fruit.
    7:11 AM May 5th, 2009

    Ignoring my wishes, the docs chucked my brain tumor in the dumpster. If I had kept it, dried it, and smoked it, we're talking MONSTER buzz.
    10:36 PM May 4th, 2009

    When I ride MARTA, I am but a lonely marshmallow floating in a steaming mug of hot chocolate.
    9:29 PM May 4th, 2009

    Best MC in the Dirty South: http://tinyurl.com/dzjvjb
    9:22 PM May 4th, 2009

    Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% segregation.
    7:34 PM May 4th, 2009

    When calling another guy a "bitch," it's always a good idea to first remove your mascara.
    2:56 PM May 4th, 2009

    Inadvertently inhaling the poison-free, plant-based, Earth-friendly, all-natural ant-and-roach neurotoxin spray is getting me high as fuck.
    2:33 AM May 4th, 2009

    Killed more ants. House is clean; there are too many bugs in the South. Dixie should have sent their insects North instead of their blacks.
    2:18 AM May 4th, 2009

    Except for Mary Magdalene and Jesus, I've never seen the bad girl get wet for the good guy.
    7:49 PM May 3rd, 2009

    Meet the "World's Oldest Conjoined Twins." It looks like they were born fucking each other in the ass: http://tinyurl.com/d7rfkx
    7:45 PM May 3rd, 2009

    Do midget comedians ever realize the true reason the audience is laughing?
    7:17 PM May 3rd, 2009

    Zane laughs whenever Ludwig Von Drake appears on the "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse." I'm worried that my son may be a Nazi sympathizer.
    3:32 PM May 3rd, 2009

    Doing curls with a rusty old barbell. Blasting "Hangin' Tough" by New Kids on the Block. I've never felt more macho or alive.
    3:54 AM May 3rd, 2009

    Would it be fair to say that men in the Philippines have Philippenises?
    9:26 AM May 2nd, 2009

    At night in Death Valley once, I concluded that a group of bats flying around a light pole were non-homophobic Latino heterosexuals.
    8:19 AM May 2nd, 2009

    Shannon and I disagree on Tigger and Pooh's ethnicity. She insists they're black. I say they're white.
    8:10 AM May 2nd, 2009

    Soggy Saturday morning. Birds are loud outside. Some are chirping, some are singing, some are whistling, and some are just plain assholes.
    8:02 AM May 2nd, 2009

    Why be a bitter quitter sitting on the shitter with your one-hitter, smelling like kitty litter? It could be worse-you could be on Twitter!
    3:37 AM May 2nd, 2009

    2AM. In my feverishly manly slippers, I step onto the front porch to watch thunderstorms and smell the sweet Southern humidity.
    1:59 AM May 2nd, 2009

    White people are the only ethnic group on Earth who love themselves for hating themselves.
    1:18 AM May 2nd, 2009

    The person who originally snatched this URL handed it over to me on Thursday. My first couple dozen posts are at twitter.com/jimfuckinggoad.
    1:18 AM May 2nd, 2009

    "I was surprised it was still available and found myself signed up before I knew what happened. Anyway, it rightfully belongs to you...."
    12:21 AM May 2nd, 2009

    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    twitter.com/jimfuckinggoad

    The person who originally snatched the "jimgoad" URL has handed it over to me. I'm shutting this down and moving to twitter.com/jimgoad.
    1:02 AM May 2nd, 2009

    I've yet to see a rapper named Li'l Dick.
    3:55 PM May 1st, 2009

    We hear about prejudice, but what about postjudice? What if you don't like a group of people because you've spent too much time around them?
    2:19 PM May 1st, 2009

    Do ants get horny? They copulate, but does a male ant ever look at a female ant and think, "I want to bang the living ant shit out of her"?
    6:10 AM May 1st, 2009

    Crushed another two dozen ants with a paper towel. Feeling pangs of existential guilt.
    6:03 AM May 1st, 2009

    Just murdered 100 ants crawling on my coffee mug in the kitchen sink. Used the spray hose. Feel no remorse.
    5:33 AM May 1st, 2009

    It's a guaranteed, bona fide, humdinger of a hootenanny to search "rainbow people" on Google Images. (I'm the white guy in the background.)
    4:54 AM May 1st, 2009

    If Barack Obama shaved his balls, would he get razor bumps?
    4:24 AM May 1st, 2009

    Is there oral sex in the Islamic world? Does it taste like hummus?
    9:27 PM Apr 30th, 2009

    Fun shouting match tonight on MARTA between raggedy black woman and two unreasonably plump Macon gangstas. "BROKE-ASS CRACK-SMOKING BITCH!"
    8:53 PM Apr 30th, 2009

    There's not much pay in being America's Whitest Black Sheep, but it's a living.
    8:49 PM Apr 30th, 2009

    If asking a stranger to smell your ass is a sex crime, why hasn't public flatulence been criminalized? Most times, they don't even ask!
    4:17 PM Apr 30th, 2009

    In my dogged journeys through this misty vale of sorrow, there have been very few people I didn't immediately dislike.
    4:55 AM Apr 30th, 2009

    Would it be possible to mutate the swine-flu virus so that it only kills people I don't like?
    4:42 AM Apr 30th, 2009

    Springtime in Georgia. The roaches, spiders, and earwigs have returned from their winter vacation in Florida.
    4:33 AM Apr 30th, 2009

    Black men can be such great orators, yet they refuse to perform oral sex.
    8:48 PM Apr 29th, 2009

    Does it make me a racist to believe white liberals are the House Negroes of the New World Order? If so, which part?
    1:29 PM Apr 29th, 2009

    Atlanta calls itself "The City too Busy to Hate." No one should ever be that busy.
    11:53 AM Apr 29th, 2009

    When did being on the shit side of history begin giving people automatic "moral capital"? Why do we elevate losers to sainthood?
    4:33 AM Apr 29th, 2009

    My neighborhood teems with black people and wild dogs. I have 100% racial-joke-telling immunity because I live in the hood and you don't.
    4:11 AM Apr 29th, 2009

    2000MG of Keppra daily makes batting my eyelashes feel like lifting weights.
    4:51 AM Apr 28th, 2009

    I use pink in my layouts to prove I'm comfortable with my sexuality and am in no way a white faggot.
    4:45 AM Apr 28th, 2009

    If you don't think The Black Israelites are the grooviest hate group on the planet, you must be a white faggot: http://tinyurl.com/cvsvba
    4:34 AM Apr 28th, 2009

    He is also facing misdemeanor charges for using the old joke, "If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a kike."
    3:53 PM Apr 24th, 2009

    David Duke has been arrested in Czechoslovakia for denying the Jewish Holocaust.
    3:52 PM Apr 24th, 2009

    Testing...testing...can you say "nigger" and "faggot"? Can you be critical of Islam on here?
    3:10 PM Apr 24th, 2009

    What am I doing? I'm SITTING AT A FUCKING KEYBOARD AND TYPING, thus I'm the only one on here who's telling the truth.
    2:54 PM Apr 24th, 2009

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