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jimgoad.net :: anal bleaching
The Last Frontier of External Cosmetic Enhancement
’K, so after your lip augmentation and collagen injections and tummy tuck and birthmark removal and laser spider vein treatment and electrolysis and dermabrasion and citrus fruit peel and boob job and Botox therapy and laser skin resurfacing and labial rejuvenation and armpit waxing and that radically overhauled facelift, you still feel like something’s not right, don’t you?
It’s your asshole, you stupid asshole.
After your asshole is bleached, will you FINALLY feel good about yourself? Will your new miracle anus that twinkles like a star be the trick that leads you down a pathway of self-esteem and stable relationships?
Historically, the asshole has perhaps been the most cosmetically neglected area on the human body. And yet, as we grow more and more naked as a culture, as the ass increasingly becomes a sex organ, and as our friends in the sex-positive community teach us to become more anal-accepting, discerning individuals frown upon brownish bungholes. How could you possibly live with a stained starfish? A darkened anal nimbus would only bring shame upon its owner. No one likes a “brown-eyed girl” these days, if you catch what I’m tryin’ to say.
Of course, one might rightly wonder who’s complaining about all these discolored anuses. With God as my witness, I can’t ever recall getting a good, cold look at THE PLACE WHERE SHIT COMES FROM on any another human being. I’ve only slammed two girls in the pooper, and I made sure that the lighting was dim or nonexistent on both occasions. Even nude and under surgical lights, it’s next to impossible to see someone’s anus unless they deliberately spread their cheeks and present it to you. And fuck knows what mine looks like—no one besides a physician has ever gotten a good, hard, well-lit look at my Most Private of Places.
Exactly WHO is staring so intently at your poop chute, people, that you’ve become so self-conscious about it? Anal cosmetic enhancement might be understandable for the narcissistic porn star or erotic dancer—or maybe even receptive gay men who insist on having sex under Klieg lights and want to make their lovers’ boners just a wee bit harder—but is anal bleaching a procedure of any use to society at-large?
There persist rumors that perky white-chick semi-actresses Courtney Cox, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Katie Holmes have undergone the procedure. These allegations may be the stuff of false innuendo and malicious Internet scuttlebutt. For a long time (all right, maybe about three weeks), many people presumed that anal bleaching itself was nothing more than an amusing urban legend. However, there exist at least three beauty salons that perform the procedure—Pink Cheeks in Sherman Oaks, CA (employing their own “Pink Cheeks Amazing Anal Cream”), a place called TRIM in Chicago, and Bees’ Knees way on down in Sydney, Australia.
Typically, the process involves smearing a cream containing approximately 2% hydroquinone around the patient’s anal rim, which may have become initially discolored from factors such as natural pigmentation and/or lifelong staining from doo-doo and dyes contained in processed foods. Before someone got the bright idea to apply it on THE ASS, hydroquinone had historically been used in skin-lightening products used by the more self-loathing members in the black community. Hydroquinone is illegal in several countries but not the US. Although the World Health Organization claims that there is “inadequate evidence” that hydroquinone is toxic, others have linked it to “skin cancer, liver damage, kidney damage, [and] poisoning,” as well as leukemia and thyroid disorders. It has also been shown to cause mutations in developing animal fetuses. Merely knowing that the chemical has been used to process photos and manufacture rubber might scare away those whose concern for their health outweighs their anal vanity. Applied improperly or in excess, the cream may also make your ass burn more than the most flagrant burrito. The female author of a webpage designed to “keep your asshole from getting burned to a crisp” claims that a friend became fecally incontinent after a botched anal-bleaching procedure and ultimately had to undergo laparoscopic colorectal surgery.
So where does it end? The final frontier is, of course, the internal organs. The day is nigh when the ultra-vain will elect to have colon straightening, liver smoothing, esophagus sculpting, and pancreas whitening. I do not doubt that people will one day undergo surgery or take medication to ensure that even their bowel movements are more attractive.