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    Beloved Assholes

    I bear an intense affection for people who say precisely the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong place. I may disagree with the content of what they're saying, but my scrotum quivers with unbridled joy from the sheer inappropriateness of it. It takes balls to say the wrong thing, so clap your balls together for the holy assholishness of these Big Wide Assholes!

    EARL BUTZ was Secretary of Agriculture under Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford. In 1976, his resignation was demanded after he allegedly told this joke to reporters while flying on Air Force One:
    I'll tell you what the coloreds want. It's three things: first, a tight pussy; second, loose shoes; and third, a warm place to shit.

    FRANK RIZZO, AKA “The Last Big Man in Big City America,” was the giant scowling Dago hippo who served as Philadelphia's Gestapo-like police commissioner during the riot-happy late 1960s. He was also the city's mayor from 1972-1980. Here are two sample comments, the first of which we've all probably heard in one form or another:
    A conservative is a liberal who got mugged the night before.
    The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

    TED NUGENT, AKA “The Motor City Madman,” embodies the impenitent fish-out-of-water aspect of Beloved Assholism better than almost anyone. He's a squirrel-slaughtering, drug-hating, kill-the-Arabs conservative who has chosen a career behind the politically hostile enemy lines of those commie-fellating rockers. He's also adept at assholian comments such as when he called Patti Smith a “sperm-bank queen” to her face in the halls of a Philly radio station and the time he claimed to be a better guitarist than Jimi Hendrix.

    BOBBY KNIGHT is the “Raging Bull” of college basketball. He and his legendary temper led Indiana to three national championships.
    ON WRITERS: All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
    ON SEXUAL ASSAULT: I think if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.
    ON HIS TEMPER: I've always been too confrontational, especially when I know I'm right.
    ON A PLAYER'S BAD PERFORMANCE: We put his dick in a vise. I twisted it. We stuck a red-hot poker up his ass and poured hot water down his mouth and I told him if he promised to play well, we'd quit all that.

    HOWARD COSELL was probably the Most Hated Man in America during the late 1970s. His perennial verbal jousting with Muhammad Ali comprised some of the most amusing filmed interactions between two humans in history. Sample quotes:
    I'm just telling it like it is.
    What's right isn't always popular. What's popular isn't always right.

    KHALID ABDUL MUHAMMAD was so fucking extreme, he was kicked out of the frickin'-frackin' NATION OF ISLAM! He died of an aneurysm in 2001 at age 53. Sample quotes:
    [Jews are] hook-nosed, bagel-eatin', lox-eatin' impostors....You see, everybody always talk about Hitler exterminating 6 million Jews....But don't nobody ever asked what did they do to Hitler?
    There are no good crackers, and if you find one, kill him before he changes.

     

     

     

     

     

     

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