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jimgoad.net :: beyond the bobbitts
Beyond the Bobbitts
Honoring History's Less-Famous Severed Penises
That bearded cigar-sucking squirt-monkey Sigmund Freud placed tremendous importance on the penis. He based two of his major psychological theories on the notion that women were forever resentful that they didn’t have cocks (penis envy) and that because of this, men were eternally fearful that women were going to violently remove their cocks (castration anxiety).
While hairy-titted feminist blabbermouths may dismiss castration anxiety as a paranoid male fantasy, they sure as fuck cheer the loudest whenever some sap gets his knob lopped off by a violent, unstable paramour who invariably claims her bloody cock-chopping was justified by his physical abuse and heartless insults about her weight. Excuse me for breathing, ye nobly crusty coven of ancient, mustachioed lumberdykes, but within the first few days of most American males’ existence, some dandruff-coated doctor will slice off his foreskin with a cold blade. So maybe we have a reason for being apprehensive about someone hacking off the rest. Our cocks mean a lot to us.
It’s not as forcible ding-dong removal during adulthood is strictly the stuff of fantasy, either. The Bobbitt case is not an isolated incident. Of course, to the public mind, the very subject of cock-chopping conjures the insanely over-publicized case of psycho knife-wielding feminist hero Lorena Bobbitt and her dumb-as-a-stump husband John Wayne “Frankenpenis” Bobbitt. This ignores the scores of other cases that were every bit as entertaining.
The first rule of sensible social compassion is that as long as it’s someone else’s penis getting severed, it’s always funny. My exclusive marketing research has determined that a staggering 98 percent of my readers suffer from severe castration anxiety on a daily basis. For your edification and enlightenment, I’m casting a well-deserved spotlight on many of history’s lesser-known penis-severing cases. Many, but thankfully not all, involve the same sort of castrating, controlling, cunty Medusa scenario as the Bobbitt case. They are presented roughly in chronological order.
GENERAL KANG PING
According to Chinese historiansnot that anyone should trust themKang Ping was an army officer under Emperor Yung Lo, who ruled China from 1402-1424 AD. After returning from an official trip to another city, the paranoid and insecure Yung Lo accused General Ping of slippin’ his li’l Chinese dipstick in the fortune-cookie-sized vaginas of the emperor’s official harem. General Ping claimed that he could prove his innocence, whereupon he instructed the emperor to look inside a special compartment of the saddle on which the emperor had ridden throughout his trip. Tucked inside his saddle, the emperor found General Ping’s severed penis. Anticipating that he’d be accused of fucking the emperor’s harem, Ping had cut off his own ching-chong ding-dong and placed it inside the emperor’s saddle before His Royal Highness had left for his trip. Of course, Ping forever impressed the emperor with such vivid proof of his psychotic, self-mutilating loyalty.
The famed notorious Russian mystic, meddler in Czarist affairs, and Crispin Glover lookalike met a violent end in 1916. Although the details of his murder remain murky, legend has spread since his death that it involved the severing of his legendarily huge genitalia. Rumors have also circulated for years that Rasputin’s Ramrod was preserved for posterity. A recent photo, purported to be his flaccid boy-parts in a jar, gives tremendous insight into his famous persuasive powerseven limp, the Russki’s root is the size of a sea lion.
A Japanese army officer’s mistress, Abe caused a national sensation in the 1930s, and her gory story eventually became the real-life inspiration for the 1976 softcore porno film In the Realm of the Senses. Back in 1936, Abe and married officer Kichizo Ishida plunged into a stinkingly torrid sexual affair, but when Ishida drifted back toward his wife, Abe grabbed a knife and took matters into her own hands. After strangling him to death with her robe’s sash at the end of a two-day fuckfest, she chopped off his Nipponese wack-a-doo, wrapped the bloody mess in a magazine cover, and wandered through the town for three days, his penis always by her side. She confessed immediately upon her arrest and never wavered from her eager assertion that Ishida had been quite the stud-muffin. “I loved him so much, I wanted him all to myself,” she told police. “But since we were not husband and wife, as long as he lived he could be embraced by other women. I knew that if I killed him no other woman could ever touch him again, so I killed him.” For a brief time in the late 1940s, Ishida’s severed penis and testes were on public display at a Tokyo museum.
While he never technically had his penis removed, DuMond’s severed testicles became the subject of 2008’s Republican presidential primaries. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee petitioned for DuMond’s release from prison in 1999, after which DuMond moved to another state and almost immediately raped and killed someone. But back in 1985 when he was facing trial for raping an underage girl, two armed masked men busted into DuMond’s house, whereupon they “hogtied him and forced him to perform oral sex on one of them” and proceeded to slice off his cojones with fishing wire. An Arkansas sheriff with the classically crackery name of Coolidge Conlee was reported to have scooped up DuMond’s bloody nuts, plopped them in a formaldehyde-filled jar, and placed them prominently on his desk down at the station, bragging, “that’s what happens to people who fool around in my county.” Conlee later died in prison after being convicted of corruption charges.
A rickshaw driver by trade, Eklang grabbed headlines in Thailand in 1997 after he claimed his jealous wife drugged him and cut off his schween. This was not a unique case in Thailand, seeing as the country had seen an estimated 42 cases of husbands losing their cocks to jealous, knife-wielding wives in the preceding fifteen years. What was exceptional is that Eklang claimed that after chopping off his bamboo shoot, his wife tied it to a helium-filled balloon and let it fly away in the wind.
A homicidal bisexual German necrophile, Meiwes had placed a singles ad online in 2001 stating that he was looking for “a well-built man who wants to be eaten.” A 43-year-old computer engineer named Bernd-Jurgen Brandes responded. Over the summer of 2001, Meiwes would eat sixty-six pounds worth of Brandes’s flesh. But on the night he eventually murdered Brandes, Meiwes videotaped himself chopping off his prey’s penis, then cooking it in garlic, salt, and pepper, whereupon both men proceeded to eat the results. Meiwes, who insisted that Brandes willingly consented to his own murder and chose to also feast upon his own genitals, complained that the penis meat was “tough and unpalatable.” Although Brandes would not last the night, Meiwes insisted that after the castration, Brandes told him, “If I survive until the morning, let’s have my testicles for breakfast.” A police search of Meiwes’s home uncovered a recipe for “penis in red wine.”
In August of 2004 when Bangkok dockworker Po Dong’s wife resisted his drunkenly lusty advances, he flew into a tizzy and sliced his own shrimp roll into several bloody little cubes. His wife, in a major exhibition of the too-little/too-late principle, would claim that Dong “shouldn’t have made such a big issue out of it.” If he had a Po Dong before he cut it off, can you imagine how Po’ his Dong was afterward?
Yotbanya also comes from the castration-crazed country of Thailand and is the first of our three cases from the apparently castration-crazy month of October 2004. After his wife slashed off his Thai stick with a knife while he was sleeping, he woke up and did what any sensible person would dohe rushed straight to the hospital in hopes of having it reattached. However, the dumb castrated fuck forgot to bring his severed schlong along with him, and by the time he eventually retrieved it from his home, rampant cell death rendered reattachment impossible.
Mocanu, a 67-year-old Romanian villager, may have offered the lamest alibi for castrating oneself in history. He claims that when he ran outside in his underwear one night in October 2004 to confront a noisy chicken that had been making it hard to sleep, he grabbed his own cockmistaking it for the chicken’s neckand slashed it off. Mocanu says he then dropped the dismembered member to the ground, whereupon his “dog rushed and ate it.”
In another Romanian case from the same month as Constantin Mocanu’s chicken-neck castration, Dr. Naum Ciomu became frustrated in the middle of performing testicular surgery upon a 36-year-old patient. After accidentally slicing into the man’s urinary channel, Ciomu flipped the frick out and began chopping his patient’s penis into bite-sized little treats with a scalpel before stomping out of the operating room. Ciomu, who would receive only a one-year suspended jail sentence, later claimed that he had “overreacted.”
In February of 2005 in dismally dark and cold Anchorage, Alaska, Kim Tran, 35, and her boyfriend, 44, had one of those pre-breakup arguments that wind up in passionate humping. As part of their post-fight frolicking, Tran’s boyfriend foolishly allowed her to tie his hands to a windowsill, after which she brandished a kitchen knife and guillotined his organ from his body, flushing it down the toilet. She untied him and dropped him off at the hospital. Police later arrived at her house to find her still cleaning up blood. They summoned a plumber from the city’s Water and Wastewater Utility, who was able to finally fetch the severed weenie from an “S” curve in the plumbing pipes. The dirty dick was placed on ice and rushed to the hospital, where it was stitched back onto its traumatized, unnamed host. Tran was charged with assault and tampering with evidencethe penis.
In March of 2006, Chicago police responded to a call on the city’s Northwest side that a crazed resident was smashing car windows. They arrived on the scene to find Jakub Fik, 33, bursting naked from a house he’d burglarized and proceeding to hurl a series of knives at them. In the course of his knife-throwing, he also tossed his self-severed penis at them, although it limply landed only ten feet away from him on the porch. The bleeding dickless psychopath was eventually Tasered. Both he and his penis were taken into custody and ultimately reunited.
UNNAMED DRUNK LATVIAN GAMBLER
In July of 2006 after losing a bet in which he’d promised to cut off his own dick if he lost, a thirty-year-old Latvian man flat-out refused to welsh on the bet. Defiantly shitfaced, he cut his manhood right the fuck off. He and his penis, both pickled in alcohol, were whisked to a hospital, where microsurgeon Aivars Tihonovs performed the first complete penile-reattachment surgery in Latvian history. “We have had a few cases with penis traumas, when it was half-cut or damaged,” Tihonovs told a reporter, “but this is the first time that it was totally cut offand brought to the hospital in a plastic bag.”
UNNAMED BUDDHIST MONK
In Bangkok, ThailandWorld Capital of Penis Severingin November, 2006, a thirty-five-year-old Buddhist monk popped an involuntary boner during meditation. Disgusted with himself, he grabbed a machete and felled that boner to the ground. Since Buddhism preaches detachment, he refused reattachment surgery. According to the Reuters news service, a Bangkok hospital chief “declined to comment on the monk’s erection.”