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    Dictatorship of the Retarded

    As the 21st Century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection...a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction: a dumbing-down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.
    —Introductory voiceover to Idiocracy

    Demographic studies generally indicate that the more intelligent and educated women in affluent nations have much lower reproductive rates than the less educated....
    —Wikipedia entry on “Dysgenics”


    The world is getting dumber before your eyes. There’s a reason for this, and it has very little to do with our educational system: Simply put, the dumb ones have more babies. There are exceptions—you might be one of them, so don’t freak the fuck out on me—but that’s the general rule. As the world grows dumber, the smart and discerning will become even less willing to plop their frail offspring into this squalling, dysgenic soup bowl. And things will get worse.

    There seems to be no one in modern pop culture who is smarter about stupidity than Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butt-head and Office Space. His film Idiocracy, recently released on DVD, is the funniest and scariest movie in a decade. I want you to rent it, and I want you to think about it. If you’re smart, I want you to start having babies, and if you’re stupid, I want you to stop.

    In Idiocracy, Luke Wilson stars as Army Private Joe Bauers, chosen as a candidate for the ultra-secret Human Hibernation Experiment for no other reason than he is painfully average—Joe scores right in the Bell Curve’s middle on all known indices  of human physiology and intelligence. Joe’s cryonic freeze was only supposed to last a year, but due to Army bungling, his frozen pod didn’t hatch until 500 years later in the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505. Joe awakens to a world in which “mankind became stupider at a frightening rate” and “the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, Valley Girl, inner-city slang, and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice, he seemed pompous and faggy to them.”

    Joe rises from his centuries-long slumber to find that he now has the highest IQ on Earth. While he was asleep, Beavis, Butt-head, and some really dumb chicks repopulated the planet. In this Dumb New World, America’s #1 movie is called Ass, featuring nothing more than a naked male posterior farting for ninety minutes. The president is a musclebound “five-time Smackdown champion” and former porn star named Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. Corporate sponsorship is plastered on everything, even people’s names—there’s a Dr. Lexus, an Officer Tylenol Jones, and a lawyer named Frito. Television is awash in sex and violence, with stations such as The Masturbation Network and The Violence Channel, whose top show is called Ow! My Balls! Costco offers law degrees, while Starbucks features handjobs and “full-body lattes.” One of Carl’s Jr.’s many slogans is “Fuck You! I’m Eating!” I won’t spoil too much of the plot except to reveal that Joe helps the government realize the nation’s crops would grow better if they were watered instead of sprinkled with a sports drink called “Brawndo—The Thirst Mutilator.”

    The film’s opening sequence is a split-screen comparison of a high-IQ yuppie couple contrasted against a trailer-park ’tard named Clevon. The yuppies, sometimes with good reason, consistently hesitate to reproduce, while Clevon’s fertile scrotum effortlessly yields multiple progeny. As the male yuppie finally succumbs to a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination—effectively killing his blood- line—Clevon survives a jet-ski injury to his testicles and continues to impregnate multiple dimwitted females. The screen rapidly becomes overpopulated with a flow chart of Clevon’s descendants. As we watched this segment about the stupid’s birth rate running roughshod over that of the intelligent, my brother said, “What’s scary about this is it’s so true.”

    It’s true—inarguably—but nearly impossible to mention without facing the wrath of censorious egalitarian fascists everywhere. These days, it is nearly a crime—and it may be a literal criminal offense in the near future—to imply that intelligence is hereditary and that society’s interests might best be served if stupid people took a chill pill on the breedin’.

    Liberals seem sensitive to everything except what’s truly important. Back in the early 1970s, population control used to be a solid plank in the liberal platform until it was deemed culturally insensitive to imply that many women should keep their frickin’ legs shut. Now there are nearly TWICE as many people on Earth as there were then—and most of them seem highly stupid—but the “sensitive” lefty cowards are too afraid to make a peep about it. Perhaps because of this, Idiocracy was released with almost zero publicity.

    Things don’t magically become untrue simply because they hurt your feelings. The passage of time does not always bring progress. People ARE getting dumber. A middle finger and the word “whatever” are the closest to articulation that most folks can muster. We’re already halfway to the world depicted in Idiocracy. Sterilization is probably too harsh and inhumane, but after all, the stupid are stupid. There has to be some way we can trick them into using birth control.

    Let’s get to work.

    Copyright © 2018 Jim Goad  ::  The World's Bravest Man

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