Click HERE for a list of the multinational, multicultural, multiracial, multicolored, progressive, enlightened, forward-thinking, backstabbing coalition of empowered people who assist me in the creation and maintenance of this website.
jimgoad.net :: let's invade canada
Let's Invade Canada
(AND MAKE IT A TRULY MULTICULTURAL PLACE)
Although I think it would be very, very funny if we were actually to invade
and forcefully subjugate Canada, I'm actually somewhat serious when I say that
we should at least consider doing so.
can annex the Canadian territories peacefully or by force, and I must state
for the record that I'd prefer it be by force if for no other reason than the
personal amusement and emotional satisfaction it would bring me.
Even though we hear endless propaganda about how Canucks are our happy-go-lucky
trade partners who share the world's longest undefended border with us, I believe
it's in our nation's best interest to storm the 49th parallel and make Canada
our 51st state.
I realize that the idea of invading Our Boring Neighbor to the North has
been a comic device in films such as Canadian Bacon and the South Park movie.
It has also been suggested in essays you can find all over the Net, ranging
in intent from completely satirical to rabidly literal. So I'm by no means claiming
that my idea is original. However, I like to believe that no man alive is able
to articulate the reasons we should do this better than I can.
Invading Canada and immediately enslaving its inhabitants would be a good
thing for the following reasons...
We can get the fuck out of the Middle East and let them eat each other alive
Canada's oil reserves are second only to Saudi Arabia's. Rolling right over
Canada would be much quicker and less complicated than the current war in the
Middle East, where our endless meddling over oil only further serves to stir
the wrath of the bloodthirsty Mohammedan hordes.
There are 1.2 billion Muslims worldwide. There are only 33 million or so people
It's much less risky to piss off the Canadians.
What are they going to throw at us—beer bottles and snowballs?
The rest of the world wouldn't really CARE as much if we invaded Canada, because,
like us, the rest of the world doesn't really care about Canada generally or
even think about it that much.
IT NEEDS TO BE A MORE RACIALLY DIVERSE COUNTRY—LIKE, NOW.
Canadians accuse us of being a racist country, although America is far more
diverse than Canada. By annexing Canada, we can use the almighty force of law
to make it the Land of Diversity its current inhabitants desire it to be.
When Canadians criticize America, they rarely do so in terms of cultural,
scientific, and global accomplishments, because they obviously can't compete
with us on those levels. So they'll take the predictable route and blame us
for all the supposed racism running wild through the streets here.
It's so easy to judge from atop the frozen sidelines, isn't it? It's tres
facile for you to sit up there amid heaping mounds of snowballs and potatoes
and condemn us, isn't it?
But let's look at the numbers: In 2006, there were nearly eight million more
black people living in the USA than there were total people living in all of
Canada. In 2006, there were 12.7 million more Hispanics living in the USA than
there were total people living in all of Canada. In 2006, there were almost
five million more foreign-born people living in the USA than there were total
people living in all of Canada. Remember--Canada is actually larger than the
USA. It's second in size only to Russia. Surely, if they're so serious about
multiculturalism, they'd have room for some of these people.
There are currently—what?—an estimated five or so black people
living in Canada, and they are officially known by their street name, "The Toronto
Raptors." Canada hosts nearly four times as many Asians as they do blacks, and
they ain't got many Asians. You need more than one race to be a racist country.
You can't lecture anyone about racism when you haven't at least had an honest
chance to be racist.
Being that Canadians are generally as white as their winters, their anti-racism
rings a little hollow. Basically, the scope of their cultural diversity extends
to a tolerance of the French--the worst of all possible groups to tolerate. But
still they yammer about our tragic legacy of slavery, immortalized in the Steven
Spielberg film Amistad. You probably didn't know that Canadians practiced slavery,
too. It was abolished in Canada not by the Canadians, but by the British Crown-in
1834. Wow. You beat us to the punch by 31 years, and no one gives you any credit
for it. That sucks. I'm going to gingerly raise the possibility that Canada's
terrain and climate weren't exactly hospitable to a profitable slave-plantation
economy. Their farming season is, what--one week in mid-July? What would slaves
do in Canada, anyway--go ice-fishing?
What's most ironic is that Canadian public affairs and media are rife with
a clearly articulated anti-Americanism that in any other context would be classified
as bigotry. In a real sense they are largely and openly prejudiced against Americans,
the only other quasi-ethnic group they've really ever had to deal with in large
numbers. Their cold bronchial lungs blow a predictably icy blast of anti-Americanism
that is both convenient and hypocritical. At times it seems as if a smug anti-Americanism
is the defining part of their culture.
How many times will these jealous frozen knobs see fit to criticize our socially
complex nation until we see fit to attack them?
Here's what I propose: After forcibly annexing Canada and taking its oil,
we immediately transport one-half of America's nonwhite population there, as
well as any whites who wish to go. We take your oil, and you receive a huge
chunk of the diversity you deem to be so precious from afar. Let CANADA take
the tired, the poor, the weary, the dysfunctional, and the smelly for a change.
There'd be no more Manitoba or Saskatchewan or Alberta, if those places ever
really existed in the first place. It'd be one big fat frozen welfare state
called "Canada," and we'd use it like the Russians use Siberia. I also propose
the immediate and earnest construction of a Repopulation Superhighway leading
between Mexico and the new American state of Canada. By annexing Canada, I need
to make clear that I am not proposing that we unify all of North America into
one nation. I can't see the benefit of invading Mexico. No one is moving there.
They're all moving here. Let's keep it an uninterrupted flow from Mexico north
to Canada. Let's build a Human Habitrail leading directly from Matamoros to
Ottawa. Hello, People of the Ice? Open up your hearts, because we're sending
millions of your beloved People of the Sun your way.
Canadians are boring.
Canada is a majestic land of unspoiled natural wonderment, but the human beings
who inhabit it bear absolutely no responsibility for that fact. Instead, Canadians
themselves have brought nothing of beauty--whether it be literary, musical, cinematic,
cultural, or philosophical--with which to complement the magnificent natural
backdrop that frames their dull, ugly existence.
Go to wikipedia's "Famous Canadians" page if you want a good laugh. Scroll
down and down and down past names you've never heard and will probably never
hear again if you don't make a conscious decision to do so. Of the few names
you actually HAVE heard, nearly all of them had the good sense to move to America
once they made a name for themselves.
During the days of the British Empire, Canada is apparently where the Crown
decided to send all its boring people. Think about it--these are people so innately
exciting, they pick a fucking LEAF as their national symbol. A fucking LEAF.
You were too cowardly and weak to rebel against the British Empire, and you
still haven't officially wrested yourself away from the Queen's saggy teat.
You have no culture because you never really had the balls or ingenuity to invent
yourself like America did. You've had your unimaginative baby mouth glued entirely
to England's mossy tit until very, very recently. Face it, Canada--you're just
a former British colony that never amounted to much. You're Pete Best, and we're
The Beatles. Americans don't know much about Canada because there isn't much
to know. Canada has an inferiority complex for a good reason. It's inferior.
We're not culturally imperialistic--we just HAVE a culture, and your lack of
one causes ours to fill the vacuum you've created with your own unoriginality.
You hate us because we get all the attention.
But if there was anything about Canadian culture that was remotely interesting
or innovative or that inspired emulation, the world would have recognized it
by now. You're a weirdo tribe of people so out of your fucking minds, you caught
a distant glimpse of the Northern Lights and thought that a place NORTH OF MINNESOTA
would be a hospitable environment to raise anything but a family of polar bears.
You beheld a frozen, dismal, Arctic hell, and you said, "Yeah--THIS is where
I'm gonna lay down roots!" You'll notice that not too many people followed you.
I've HAD IT with Canada. Fuck a Canuck. Canada, I'm all for bannin' ya. I don't
even like Canadian bacon. I always order the Sausage & Egg McMuffin instead.
Canadians aren't all bad, though. I admire George Chuvalo and Stompin' Tom