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    jimgoad.net :: local couple tries new sexual position

    Local Couple Tries New Sexual Position


    CURIOUS NO LONGER: Eldon (left) and Melba Turteltaub disagree about whether it was a good idea to try the new position.

    PASCO, WA—For over 30 years, Eldon and Melba Turteltaub had been using the missionary position—and only the missionary position—during their lovemaking sessions.

    That all changed late last Friday night, and the couple are still struggling with the emotional repercussions from Eldon’s impulsive decision to enter his wife from a different angle.

    Last Friday evening, after a fruitful work week in which insurance salesman Eldon, 57, landed a lucrative new contract to insure a local minor-league hockey team, the pair decided to go out on the town and celebrate their good fortune.

    They ate what Eldon calls “a very nice crab-cake dinner with some jalapeño poppers and gator-bite appetizers” at a local Applebee’s restaurant. Upon finishing dessert, they repaired to Applebee’s lounge section and ordered a few cocktails.

    “The food was spicy, the drinks were strong, and the music was very upbeat, so I suppose I came home somewhat excited,” Eldon says.

    “When we got home, I dimmed the lights, threw on the soundtrack to Chariots of Fire, and proceeded to make love to my wife.” (Turteltaub estimates that he and Melba engage in intercourse once monthly, not to mention weekly mutual-masturbation sessions.)

    After fewer than 20 strokes, Eldon instructed his wife to do something she’d never done in their three decades of marriage—something which resulted in the first whispers of discord to ever sully an otherwise tranquil union: “I told her to get up on all fours, and then I entered her from behind. After about a minute, she asked me to return to our usual method of entry.”

    Eldon complied, albeit reluctantly. “I was having fun,” he says with a self-effacing smile. “I was just, as they say, going along with the flow of the moment. It was a nice change of pace, a little vacation from the normal. I was just winning one for the Gipper. But she’s my wife and I wanted to be considerate, so I disengaged and then reinserted myself in the usual way. But at the time, I have to say, I found it rather thrilling. I enjoyed it, but if it upsets Melba, I don’t think I’ll do it again.”

    Melba certainly seems upset. A part-time CPA and volunteer fundraiser who’s active in community events and several local charities, she ruefully recalls the meeting in question. She says that Eldon fell rapidly asleep after achieving physical release, whereupon she burst into tears, ran from the room, and made a three-hour late-night call to her mother, who lives in Bellingham. She says her mother implored her to leave Eldon and come live with her, but she has vowed to give the marriage a chance, provided the couple seeks help from a minister or psychologist.

    “What he did that night shattered my trust in him,” Melba says. “It was an adventurous, hasty decision. You don’t need to try something to figure out it’s wrong. I felt dirty around him for weeks later. I’m not a dog. I don’t eat Alpo from a food dish, and I won’t ever do that again. I don’t know why he wanted to do that, or what was so wrong with the old position, and I’m having trouble trusting his motives. First he looks for a new position; next thing you know, he’s looking for a new wife. I’ve invested a lot in this marriage, and I’m not about to give it all up just because my husband wakes up one day and decides to be a sex pervert.”

    An acquaintance of the Turteltaubs, who asked not to be identified but who lives in a green-and-yellow house directly across the street from them, is shocked at this recent development. “This is the sort of thing that you see on the nightly news,” she says, dressed in curlers and a nightgown while clutching her pet Chihuahua. “This is an inner-city thing, not something you’d expect to happen in a quiet town like Pasco. People out here are happy with the regular position. Plus, you remember what happened to Sodom.”

    It is unknown what percentage of intimate couples actually try positions other than the normal one. Shane Mallard, a licensed sex therapist and professional fire-dancer, says that although such risk-taking behavior may improve a relationship, it can also damage it beyond repair.

    “There’s nothing wrong with getting a little kinky, so long as it doesn’t affect your work or family life,” Mallard says. “In Eldon and Melba’s case, what strikes me as wrong is that he told her—rather than asked her—to get up on all fours. That’s simply rude. There was also some potential for physical harm. For couples well into middle age, a new sex position may put undue strain on their musculoskeletal systems. What’s important is that sex-play be safe, caring, and consensual. If Melba doesn’t want to receive him from behind, then Eldon should respect that and stop being such a jerk.”

    The couple’s four children, all adults, have not been informed of the event, and the Turteltaubs have asked me to ask our readers not to tell the children about it should they happen to see them.

    Copyright © 2017 Jim Goad  ::  The World's Bravest Man

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