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    Click HERE for a list of the multinational, multicultural, multiracial, multicolored, progressive, enlightened, forward-thinking, backstabbing coalition of empowered people who assist me in the creation and maintenance of this website. :: understanding the male nipple

    Understanding the Male Nipple

    Object of Mystery, Fountain of Pleasure

    The average heterosexual man spends most of his waking hours worried about whether he’s a homosexual. Thus, it comes as no comfort for him to apprehend the biological fact that we all began this Grand Journey Called Life as females—nestled inside our mothers’ sticky wombs, our ovaries morphed into testes, our clits swelled into cocks, and our nipples...well, they just sort of stayed nipples. They didn’t exactly become tits, but they didn’t go away, either.

    A majority of females are said to derive sexual pleasure from having their nipples rubbed, poked, pinched, sucked, and batted around like birthday balloons. And according to no less noble a source than the venerable, at least one in five males enjoys similarly bawdy delights when attention is paid to his udders. For such a man, his nipples are bona fide erogenous zones which shoot electrical impulses to his brain, which then ricochet straight down to his groin. In extreme cases, these men are able to reach a hearty climax merely through having their man-nips touched.

    What are we to make of such men? If they derive sexual pleasure from having their pert, pinkish areolas pinched, are they automatically homosexual? If the slightest feathery touch on their bazooms sends them squealing like a boar hog rutting in mud, should they just come out of the closet? I need to know the answer for personal reasons. Not for me, of course. It’s for a friend.


    THE WORD “MAMMAL” is derived from the Latin mamma, meaning “breast.” Most male mammals have mammaries, a.k.a. mammae masculinae. There are exceptions, such as the noble stallion and the pesky male rat, who is so macho he emits hormones which suppress nipple growth. We all have nips, my peeps; we just don’t all know what to do with them. Shortly after fertilization, “precursor nipples” form in all fetuses. These proto-nips don’t become sex-specific until six to eight weeks post-conception, at which time the hormones kick in to determine gender. Without sufficient estrogen, the fetus becomes a male. Although all infants are born with nipples and milk glands, most boy-nips will never become tits.

    Like all things involving Mother Nature, there are cruel exceptions. In rare instances, male infants born with too much estrogen will lactate at birth, emitting what the old wives call “witches’ milk.” In adult males, hormonal imbalances can also cause a condition known as “gynaecomastia,” in which female-style hooters develop.

    Modern scientific literature on man-nips suggests they are merely the vestiges of evolution, biologically useless leftovers such as the appendix, tailbone, toenails, and tonsils. As with all these other parts, the nipples do not yet constitute enough of a functional impediment for us to lose them through natural selection.

    But unlike all the other parts listed, the nipples serve a definite biological function for one gender, while they seem nearly worthless for the other—unless you value the bawdy joys of human sensuality. The male nipple may be the only part of a man’s body whose only discernible purpose is sexual pleasure. It is the male clitoris.

    Theodore van de Velde was a Dutch gynecologist who croaked in 1937 and is credited with being the first physician to describe the male nipple as an erogenous zone. Yet despite such clinical endorsements of the idea that enjoying nipple stimulation DOESN’T NECESSARILY MAKE YOU QUEER, pervasive societal prejudice exists toward the practice.


    ON THE INTERNET, the soft cooing of New Age hausfraus urging men to “celebrate their nipples” and be “nipple-positive” doesn’t help matters, nor do their instructions for female sex partners to “dry-nurse” from their male lovers’ teats. Although couched in a heterosexual framework, it just amplifies the Homo Factor tenfold.

    Hardcore gay websites featuring inveterate cocksuckers describing male nipples as “chest cocks” and “semi-hard penis heads” likewise provide little comfort to the average red-blooded homophobic male who enjoys having his man-mams tweaked every so often. Detailed instructions about how men can use rubber bands or snake-bite suction cups to increase their nipple size also give pause to the self-doubting hetero. And let’s not even talk about the one guy who wears bras or the other who fantasizes about having gay males suckle on his lactating dugs.

    The fact remains that my friend enjoys having his nipples pinched. And the question remains as to whether or not that makes him a fag.

    Copyright © 2018 Jim Goad  ::  The World's Bravest Man

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