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jimgoad.net :: my name is jim
My Name is Jim
And I am Not An Alcoholic
My name is Jim, and I am not an alcoholic. I don't want to EVER hear about how drunk you got, how drunk you are, or how drunk you're gonna get, you fucking arrested bottle-sucking infant. I don't want to see any pathetic freeze-frames of you hoisting a brewski and shouting "WOO! WOO!" as if it were some sort of accomplishment. If I had my way, sober drivers would be routinely slaughtering alcoholics until the "drunk gene" was forever weeded out of the pool.
I haven't had a drink since Ronald Reagan first took office, but I've done enough drugs and suffered enough head blows to wipe out two dozen of your brains. Still, I'm not some moronic party animal, and I don't want to hang out with you.
My beliefs are simple: I believe that no one is equal, least of all you. There's not much about you that I'm bound to like. There's nothing you can tell me that I don't already know.
I'm an author, singer, father, husband, outdoorsman, animal-lover, and felon. I also yearn to be understood, so let's clear up a couple of common misconceptions about me:
I beat women. If you really MUST know, I've hit three women and only literally "beaten" one in my lifetime, and I did over two years in prison for that, so I don't appreciate you sweating me for it. She deserved it, and I'm sure your girlfriend does, too. The difference is that you're too much of a pussy to admit you want to do it. All in all, I've been hit by FAR more women than I've hit, but a pussy-whipped society tends to overlook such statistics.
I'm a Nazi. Not true. My racial issues have all been rectified through the healing power of racial comedy. I am not threatened by the fact that black-male penises are, on average, bigger than ours, just as I hope they're not threatened by the fact that our IQs are, on average...well, let's get into THAT one later. Person-for-person, ever since I wandered out of the suburbs in my early teens and discovered Negroes lurking in the urban bush, I've always found them to be funnier and more amiable than whites, but you don't believe me, so I'm not sure why I even bother telling you. I know what's in my heart. I enjoy the raucous humor and waxy aroma of America's fine blacks. No one on Earth enjoys blackness more than I do.
I'm relentlessly narcissistic and incurably irritable. I'm hateful, I'm hated, and I'm even hated for being hated by those who wish they were as hated as me. Over the years I've perfected my hatred to the point where I actually seem like a nice guy. I can hate you so well, you won't even feel hated until it's too late. The people who know me--at least the ones I haven't physically threatened--will swear up and down that I'm a sweet leaping puppy dog.
The only important fact is that we all die, and life's only true mystery is whether it'll be you or me first. Here's hoping it's you. Go have a few drinks and increase your chances.