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    She Only Wanted "a Nice Florida Vacation." Instead, She Found Herself...

    Raped by a Gator


    Florida is known as the “Sunshine State,” a place where you can get a deep copper-colored tan while eating delicious oranges and strolling past the glitter and glitz of ritzy Miami Beach. And though Florida is also known worldwide for its famous alligators, a recent event brought infamy upon the state’s tourism industry when a woman visiting from Minnesota was sexually assaulted by a gator in an incident videotaped by onlookers and, naturally, uploaded to YouTube.

    Thumbelina Turpentine is a humble, gentle, towheaded farm girl from Bemidji, MN. She had recently suffered a bad romantic breakup and said she wanted to get away from the heartache in order to have “a nice Florida vacation.” She flew from Minneapolis to Orlando, and apart from daylong jaunts to Disney World and Universal Studios, she thought it’d be fun to check out Honkin’ Bob’s Gator Ranch, a “family fun place” that offers airboat rides, canoe rentals, and alligator-birthing classes on 2.25 acres of uniformly malodorous and generally shitty central Florida swampland. While strolling the premises, she became enamored of “Wally,” a thirteen-foot American alligator thought to be so entirely safe that his show-stopping trick at the Gator Ranch’s “Big Gator Show” was to remove a single piece of popcorn from a female attendant’s cleavage using only his fearsome teeth and a highly disciplined sense of poise and composure inculcated by resident trainer “Scaly” Jack Isthmus.

    But when Turpentine handed her video camera to a nearby cluster of Japanese tourists and asked them to film some footage of her posing near Wally, the gator shocked everyone by pinning her to the ground and mounting her in the most bawdy and invasive manner possible.

    Turpentine was treated at a local hospital, released, and is now undergoing psychological counseling to help her process the ordeal.

    “I’m not going to answer questions about whether I liked it or how ‘big’ he was,” Turpentine said in a recent phone call. “But yes, it was a male alligator. It was not a female. That much I’m willing to share with you. He wasn’t really violent or threatening, either. He didn’t bite me or anything. He just used his huge tail and little chubby arms to keep me pinned down while he did his business with me, which really didn’t take very long at all. He was done in a half-minute tops.”

    Despite being quick, Wally’s assault left Turpentine with pain so intense that she couldn’t sit down for two weeks. “I felt like an idiot standing in the aisle on the airplane home, showing the stewardesses my doctor’s note explaining I’d been raped by a gator and couldn’t sit down.”

    Turpentine says the emotional pain will take much longer to heal. “No one goes on vacation expecting to be sexually assaulted by a large male crocodilian,” she tells me. “Rape is never a laughing matter, and that’s the case whether it’s a human or a gator doing it. No woman should ever expect to be raped, much less by a gator. You wouldn’t want your wife, mother, or daughter to be raped by a gator. All I wanted was a nice Florida vacation. Instead, this happens to me—an alligator forces himself upon me and inserts himself inside me. And I don’t expect my dating prospects to improve anytime soon, either. I’ve been raped by a gator. I’m ‘damaged goods’ now.”

    Under current Florida law, there is no legal recourse for charging Wally with a crime. “They’re usually murderers, not sex offenders,” says Florida police officer Silas Bullcock, who responded to the crime scene only minutes after the rape occurred. “I’ve dealt with dozens of alligator attacks where people were bitten and in some cases killed, but by gum, this is the first time I’ve seen a gator just have his way with a woman like that and have some fun at her expense. As a son and a father and a husband, I’m horrified. I feel that Wally knew exactly what he was doing and should be held personally responsible and accountable for it, but the law presents me with no viable options.”

    Honkin’ Bob Balzac, the Gator Ranch’s proprietor, insists he shouldn’t be held financially liable for the sexual misdeeds of any alligators at his ranch, even if in a business and legal sense they classify as “entertainers.” He then made the following off-color remark about Miss Turpentine’s sexual future: “Once you go croc, you never come back.”

    Copyright © 2018 Jim Goad  ::  The World's Bravest Man

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