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    It's a Celebration of Retardation!

    Commemorating the First 100 Years of America's Sex Industry

    March, 2010 is a milestone in America’s sex industry...this month marks 100 years since the nation’s first public erotic exhibition wowed a prudish Iowa crowd who huddled within an opium den in a dark alley in Cedar Rapids to watch “Dr. Fitzwater’s Dancing Ladies” (pictured at right) simultaneously reveal what are thought to be the first eight publicly exposed nipples in our nation’s history, marking the official Birth of America’s Sex Industry.

    Amazingly, in the same month (April, 1910), Transylvanian sex vamp Lili Dentata (pictured at left) moved to Yuma, AZ, and displayed her ample charms in what is thought to be the first nude photo session in our nation’s history.

    Because I’m as sex-positive as a sex-negative misogynist is capable of being, I celebrate 100 years of America’s sex industry by taking a look back at 100 years of  sexual “firsts” in the Lower 48. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed putting it together!

     

    FIRST PENETRATION SCENE

    The frame at left is from Sirens Along the Tug River (1924), a silent movie filmed in Freeburn, KY, whose routine plot is suddenly interrupted by a 33-minute hardcore sex scene. The actors depicted are Gunnar Jacksnipe & Minerva Palmetto.

    FIRST “69”

    This popular oral-sex position, in which each partner is simultaneously pleasuring the other and being pleasured by them, was first performed in America by Deltoid & Thumbelina Farnsworth, a married couple from Salmon, ID, who did the country’s first “69” in 1912.

    FIRST LESBIANS

    Shrapna Kunst & Olga Stegosaurus were America’s first openly lesbian couple, working as bartender (Shrapna) and short-order cook (Olga) for over 30 years at Pinkie’s in Philadelphia’s Fishtown neighborhood, which opened in 1946 and is thought to be the Western Hemisphere’s first dyke bar.

    FIRST POLE DANCE

    Although it’s now a staple of every erotic dancer’s repertoire, America’s first pole dance wasn’t performed until 1968 by Belle Jangles, who is shown here “polishing the brass” at Mugwump’s, a strip club in Muskogie, OK, which burned to the ground in the early 1970s.

    FIRST BREAST IMPLANTS

    The USA’s first fake jugs were borne by Nita Glansworth, a cocktail waitress from Plaster City, CA, who underwent a crude DIY breast-enhancement operation in 1957 using hot-water bottles. Tragically, the implants began to sag further and further until Glansworth’s breasts actually fell off in 1964, requiring major reconstructive surgery.

    FIRST PHONE SEX

    Tortilla Clamato, a former calypso chanteuse from Argentina, left her native country in 1963 and briefly set up a phone-sex operation in Sioux City, SD. Men would pay her two dollars for the right to “talk dirty” with Clamato from a pay phone across the street from the bar. The phone-sex gig proved wildly successful, but she was soon busted by vice cops and spent four days in the county jail, where she became a lesbian.

     

    FIRST “ALTERNATIVE” EROTIC PERFORMANCE

    Bunny Gazelle & Tisha Crumbcake lay claim to giving, in their words, the city’s first “underground conceptual erotic presentation,” a six-hour play calle “El Toro, My Lover,” which debuted downtown at Flatch’s Cove in Portland, OR, and played for a week in 1981. The play revolves around a Midwestern farmer’s wife and her sexual obsession for a pet bull in her husband’s herd. In the final scene, the bull castrates the farmer character and then removes its costume to reveal that it, too, is a woman just like the farmer’s wife, whereupon the two engage in lesbian sex. According to playwright Crumbcake, the show “smashed through the stereotypes and barriers erected throughout 5,000 years of patriarchy and raised serious questions about race, gender, and bestiality in Western culture.” 

    FIRST STRIPPER TO BECOME ADDICTED TO CRYSTAL METH

    Bambi Cuidado started dancing at The Tugboat* in Matewan, WV, during the mid-1970s. In 1978, she snorted her first rail of crystallized methamphetamine, offered to Bambi by her boyfriend at the time, Jake Yarbles, a notorious sex offender/biker/leather craftsman/storyteller/meth cook/arm-wrestling champion from Boone County, WV. Within weeks, Cuidado was using speed daily. She has continued using crystal meth every day since then and has progressed from snorting it to smoking it to mainlining it. By 1990, she had lost all her teeth. Last year, she was diagnosed with Hepatitis-C. Despite her health problems, she continues to dance at The Tugboat. So does her daughter, Chi-Chi and her granddaughter, Panocha.

     

    *(“Home of the Original Barnyard Burger”)

     

     

     

     

     

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