Jim Goad's Guide to
Summertime Sexual Fun!
The heat is on, and it's time for us all to sit back, sip a Slurpee, and savor some summery sexual goodness!!! I sure enjoy sex! I sure enjoy summertime! I sure enjoy having fun! I enjoy enjoying myself! And I enjoy putting together these "hot-weather sexual fun tips" for you with the hope that you'll enjoy them, too! Everyone knows that summer was made for sex, fun, and lotsa exclamation points!!!!!!
GET "PUMPED-UP" WITH A "FULL-GENITAL WORKOUT"!
Why do so many Americans become fitness-conscious in the summer? Why do they spend so much money on plastic surgery, tanning booths, exercise equipment, and liposuction? The answer is simple: THEY WANT TO BE MORE SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE. And so they work on their abs, lats, and delts, huffing and puffing and sweating their way into tip-top physical shape...with one glaring exception. At the end of a workout, rare is the person who "feels the burn" in their genitals. You heard me correctly--in order to be more sexually attractive, people will exercise every muscle BUT their genitals! The "ordinary" muscleman neglects this ever-so-special place. He might have massive, manta-ray back muscles. He might be able to crush cans with his biceps. He might be able to crush walnuts with his neck. But if his penis and scrotum are puny and flabby, what are his chances with the ladies? Thankfully, we now have the Full-Genital Workout Kit , which comes complete with barbells, rope, and matching cock and ball rings. Your genitals will thank you--and so will that "special lady"!!!
MANUFACTURER: Nadknockers Unlimited from Walla Walla, WA
ENJOY A"GENITAL-SHAPED-FOOD PICNIC"!!!
There are two things everyone likes: food and genitals! So why not combine the two and enjoy the warm weather by having a picnic composed entirely of food items which in some way are reminiscent of human genitals? C'mon-- treat yourself! Everyone knows that donuts, peaches, and tacos recall the female private parts...and sometimes "a lovely set of coconuts" is so much more than that...and don't get me started about all the food that resembles the male organ! You can choose from among hot dogs, bananas, carrots, pickles, and popsicles just for starters. The mind boggles! The mouth gets sore! Sometimes it seems like everywhere you turn in the supermarket produce section, there's a dick poking you in the face! Imagine the FUN you'll have at the picnic bench, laughing with your friends about all the "oral sex" you're having, while all that the poor folks at the table next to yours can see is that you're eating lunch! Ooh, that's rich!
GET WET 'N' WILD WITH A "BACKYARD HIGH-COLONIC LAWN-SPRINKLER PARTY"!!!
Is there anything more fun than a backyard party? Sure there is--a backyard party in hot weather where everyone can run under a lawn sprinkler, giggling like the dickens! But this isn't just any lawn sprinkler, fellas--it provides 1,000 foot-pounds of water pressure that jets up from a hearty pink-plastic tubing device. Just sit on the tubing device for a few seconds, and-- voilá!-- you've given yourself a high colonic! All that meat entombed in your sarcophagus of a colon is instantly BLASTED free! Watch with awe as the black crusty chunks exit your rectum! Not only is it cool, it's cleansing! The High-Colonic Lawn Sprinkler also doubles as the world's most powerful prostate massager, delivering an orgasm-inducing 10,000 micro-spurts(TM) of cool water per second right where you need it the most! You'll pray that summer never ends!
MANUFACTURER: Colonic Solutions from Clifton Heights, PA
AMUSE YOUR FRENDS WITH YOUR NEW SET OF "BEACH BALLS"!!!
They "won't believe their eyes" when you drop trou and reveal that your scrotum has been lovingly colored like a beach ball! How summery is that? This hysterical new gag gift comes with food coloring, a beach-ball stencil pattern, a Scrotal Size Chart so you can determine how large to make the pattern, and an illustrated instruction manual. The "Beach Balls" pattern will last 90 days on the average scrotum, meaning you can have a set of colorful, hilarious testicles all summer!
MANUFACTURER: Testicular Technologies from Rahway, NJ
TRY SOME SUNSCREEN/MOSQUITO LOTION/S.T.D. CREAM-- IT'S FLAVORED!!!
It's a "scorcher" outside today, and you wouldn't be caught dead under that hot soleil without some high-powered sunscreen. Oh, yeah--those pesky "skeeters" are nippin' hard today, so you'd better carry along some mosquito lotion, too. And who knows how many chance sexual encounters are awaiting you at the beach today, so you'd better bring along some STD cream just to be safe, too. Geez, that's a LOT of stuff to carry! But wait, there's a ONE-TUBE solution for all your hot-weather lotioning needs--the "3-in-1 Summertime Fun Gel" fights ultraviolet light, mosquitos, and most known sexually transmitted diseases except for the deadly ones! Just find someone to rub it on your back. Then return the favor! And then, as an added treat, you can actually LICK the gel off one another's bodies, because this puppy comes in six exciting FLAVORS! You'll wish that every day came with the threat of skin cancer, malaria, and chlamydia!
MANUFACTURER: Rose City Greaseworks from Clackamas, OR
DEVELOP YOUR CREATIVITY WITH "EROTIC SAND SCULPTURES"!!!
Everything looks better when sculpted into genital shapes, and sand is no exception! Why, just lookit all that dull, flat, beige sand out there just ITCHIN' to be sexualized! As the waves keep pounding, pounding, pounding the sand into soft submission, you can sculpt genital figures that memorialize, at least until high tide comes in, the human instruments of this eternal pounding motion which is, and always will be, the rhythm of life as we know it. Boy, you could really poke an eye out with one of those Giant Sand Penises! And hey--watch out you don't fall into the Giant Sand Vagina!