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jimgoad.net :: the sweetest man alive
The Sweetest Man Alive
Let’s sit down and chat. Let’s have brunch. Let’s nibble on a snack. Let’s eat a treat. Let’s sit down, chat, have brunch, nibble on snacks, and eat treats ALL AT THE SAME TIME! It’ll be FUN!
And please, please, please, people, let’s talk about what makes us happy rather than sad.
I’ll go first. These are the things that make me happy...
• Peanut-butter-and-marshmallow sandwiches.
• Misty dewdrops on a freshly mowed lawn.
• Secret wishes made on dandelion puffs that float gently in the summer wind.
• A gaggle of happy baby duckies waddling behind their mommy ducky single-file, quacking giddily.
• A giant, yawning, purplish-orange sunset which makes me feel as if I’m nuzzling up to God’s hairy, beneficent pectoral muscles.
• A slow, soothing foot scrub followed by cedar-and-sandalwood-intensive aromatherapy.
• A pair of fuzzy PJs with the footies intact and the tushie flap in the back.
• A gurglin’, cracklin’ cauldron o’ coffee on a rainy mornin’.
• The feisty texture and tangy taste of Ginger Snap cookies.
• Sippin’ sodey pop and having the fizzy bubbles tickle my nose.
• Poking at the little half-melted marshmallows in my hot chocolate and watching them bob up to the surface again.
• Pink-bellied Chihuahua pups suckling on their mommy’s eager teats.
• A snow bunny bouncing through a wintry grotto, searching for the perfect mate.
• Stuffing puffy gobs of pinkish cotton candy ’tween my giggling lips, multicolored carnival lights spinning ’round my dizzy head as the circus pipe organ plays a silly song.
• Swirling a tasty cinnamon stick in a piping-hot mug of apple cider on a frosty winter’s day.
• When the car goes over a speed bump too fast and it tickles my birdie.
• Bobo the Dancing Albino Cartoon Bear balancing a beach ball on her cute, scrunched-up little nose.
• Multicolored jimmies sprinkled lovingly on a friendly, vanilla-frosted cupcake.
• More marshmallows.
• The perfect concavity of my belly button.
• The sweet nectar smell of honey and wax that emanates from every pore in my luscious, oversexed body.
• A solid BM that slips out easily and requires little wiping.
• Good times. Happy places. Nice friends. Snuggly bed sheets.
I’m very snuggly and cuddly these days. I’m snuggle-icious!
As a kid attending slumber parties at other kids’ houses, I was always jealous at their happy families and how the mommies and daddies and kiddies all loved one another. That’s all I ever wanted: A STABLE FAMILY LIFE. All the death threats, psychotic behavior, and full-on violence were just a CRY FOR LOVE, don’t ya see? I act like a bad person just so you know I want to be loved and embraced as a good person. It’s like a baby crying for his ba-ba.
Don’t you realize that being stripped of all rights, placed in shackles, tossed in a box for years, and being treated as if you’re subhuman has a remarkably POSITIVE psychological effect on someone?
So here I is, peeplesthe rehabilitated Mr. Goad!
I’m not a religious man. I don’t need to be, because I’m not much of a sinner. I’m comfortable with my actions and never try to run from them or blame them on others. For my sins, I’ve been punished severely. For my virtues, I’ve been punished even worse. So my conscience is clean. But if there’s a God, its name is Truth.
Truth is God. And the truth is on my side. God loves me, and he doesn’t love my enemies.
The truth sets me free. And, mark my words, it will enslave mine enemies. The truth will catch up with them and swallow them whole. Watch the slow, lovely arc of the boomerang as it heads back toward them.
It’s only a matter of time. Tick, tick, tick...
My enemies sought to destroy me not because I was beneath them but because I was so far above them that I painfully reminded them of their inferiority. And instead of doing the right thing, which would mean improving themselves, they sought to destroy the righteous man who shamed them.
And they failed.
I made no effort to destroy them, knowing full well that they carry the seeds of destruction within themselves.
They can’t live with the knowledge that they will forever be lower than me, and so they seek to degrade me.
But they know that I rejected them first. And they’ll never be able to get back to square one.
And they’re too small to deal with it and move on.
My enemies wear many masks, but they have no face. No substance. No integrity.
I stayed true to the game, and that’s why I’m winning.
Hear their pathetic cries for vengeance which will forever go unfulfilled. Watch them squirm in impotent rage to realize that their little screenplay didn’t pan out the way they’d scripted it.
All the energy they invested in my destruction only made me stronger.
And now it all falls back on them. People should never talk about karma without realizing that karma applies to them, too.
Too late to turn back now.
They huffed and they puffed, and yet they didn’t blow my house down.
This here Big Bad Wolf came through the darkest forest.
Living well is the best revenge. And I’m living really well these days.
They did their best to bury me. And still I rise, rise, rise.
The cream always rises to the top. And I feel very creamy today.
Here’s my revenge:
I don’t have to lift a pinkie, and I win.
The spell is cast. The word is made flesh. The forces are set in motion.
And there’s nothing they can do about it.
I’m Jim Goad.
Have a nice day.
And I'm not just saying that.
Have a nice day.
Have the nicest fucking day someone like you is capable of having, OK?