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    Death During Sex

    The French, those mincing, lisping pussies, refer to the orgasm as le petit mort, which translates as “the little death.” Cultures throughout world history have believed that with each puddle of cum, a man coughs up a teaspoonful of his life force, never to be replenished. Each “little death” cumulatively leads to le grand mort and a burial plot.

    The Romans, those oily homosexuals, used the Latin phrase mors osculi when referring to cases where humans suffered the Big Death while trying to achieve a Little Death. Literally translated, mors osculi means “death in a kiss.”

    I call bullshit on such a romantic interpretation of death during sex. One suspects that having a partner die while you're fucking them would tend to ruin the mood. There he was, pumping away like a jacked-up Viagra Rabbit, huffing and puffing and sweating and sticking his tongue out, when he suddenly collapsed like a big pink sack of dead shit over your horrified, squirming body. At first you thought that perhaps he was only exhausted, but after a full minute you realized that his heart, rather than his cock, blew a load. His mouth hangs open, his skin turns a sickly grey, and his limbs stiffen. You finally muster the strength to roll his rhinoceros-sized bulk off your trembling naked body. And then you make the two phone calls you dread: one to the police and the other to his wife.

     

    MOST OF US WHO AREN'T ENTIRELY RETARDED are aware of death during sex…or at least death right after sex...in the animal world. The male black widow spider, like many unfortunate oppressed males throughout the insect demimonde, breathes his last buggy breath shortly after shooting his wad. The male praying mantis is likely to have his HEAD EATEN while shagging a lady mantis.

    In Hollywood, the cabal of shadowy figures who rule things have not been reticent to feature death during sex as part of the decadent, bread-and-circuses show which they use to keep our minds off the REAL enemy.

    The final scene of ultra-morbid motion picture Looking for Mr. Goodbar features Diane Keaton being stabbed to death by a sexually confused psychopath who is unable to achieve an erection with her. And having sex with Madonna leads to an old codger's demise in the 1993 film Body of Evidence.

    Death during sex has likewise featured in the plots of television shows ranging from Hill Street Blues (the roll-call sergeant dies while having sex with a woman); As the World Turns (handsome man dies while screwing beautiful woman); NYPD Blue (a man dies while fucking a sheep that network censors insisted wear a pink ribbon to indicate it was female); Melrose Place (cruise-line owner Tony “The Fish” Marlin expires while shagging Lexi); The Tick (a superhero named The Immortal dies whilst in congress with Captain Liberty); and the pro-homosexual propaganda piece Will and Grace (a fat man named Stan gives up the ghost, squashing a British girl beneath him).

    So why does it happen? Despite isolated freaky cases (such as the Romanian soccer star and his girlfriend who died of carbon-monoxide poisoning while fucking in their car and the Japanese woman who suffered a fatal arachnoid hemorrhage while masturbating with a carrot), death during sex can usually be blamed on four main culprits: heart attacks, embolisms, autoerotic asphyxiation, and murder. Study the list carefully, and I'm sure you'll find a method that suits you!

     

    HEART ATTACKS

    Although they account for less than one percent of all cardiac fatalities, heart attacks are probably the leading cause of death during sex among adults. Interestingly, statistics in both the U.S. and U.K. indicate that three-quarters of all fatal heart attacks occurring during sex happen with persons other than one's primary partner.

     

    EMBOLISMS

    An ultra-rare cause of death during sex recently documented by British doctors in which air bubbles get absorbed by uterine wounds into the bloodstream. Documenting over 20 million pregnancies between 1967 and 1993, researchers found 18 cases of embolism-induced death occurring in the weeks directly following delivery. This is one of the main reasons why physicians counsel couples to avoid sex for roughly six weeks after delivery. There are also documented cases of fatal embolisms caused by sex during pregnancy, when air gets trapped between the fetus and the uterine wall.

     

    AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION

    Accidental death due to cutting off one's oxygen supply during masturbation is thought to account for a third of all adolescent hangings and 6.5% of all purported teen “suicides.” Experts estimate that 250 to 1,000 Americans, most of them teenaged males, die accidentally this way every year. These estimates may be conservative, because the family members who find their precious sons hanging from a belt strap with a monstrous erection and surrounded by hardcore gay porn mags are likely to tell everyone it was a straight suicide rather than a kinky act gone horribly wrong.

    In Justine, the Marquis de Sade described how the victims of hanging would get erections and often ejaculate. In Waiting for Godot, the characters debate whether they should hang themselves, because at least it'd give 'em erections.

    Oxygen deprivation apparently gives you a KILLER bone-bone and leads to the sort of orgasm over which you'd mortgage your house. Practitioners refer to it as “scarfing,” “breath play,” and “terminal sex.” They almost always rig their self-strangulation contraptions with some sort of slipknot or rescue device; it's when these devices fail that they accidentally strangle themselves to death.

    “Being reminded of death should be erotic for most of us,” writes one autoerotic-asphyxiation advocate. “We should get moist and hot and hard at the thought of it….One has only to take a small further step to recognize that this transcendence of time and space is a form of psychic death. To be swallowed up by blackness is an exquisite pleasure. It is to know ecstasy, but it is also to die.”

    Remind me NOT to have sex with this person.

     

    MURDER

    Chiefly the domain of sexual psychopaths and freaky-deaky pervatrons who garner extreme pleasure from crushing the life out of someone. True-crime books abound with tales of rapist-murderers, both hetero and homosexual, strangling and hammering their way to sexual ecstasy, stabbing their prey with a knife after they've commenced stabbing them with their dick.

    It's possible, but unlikely, that someone could accidentally strangle a partner to death during sex. Joseph Micale of Syracuse, N.Y., recently pleaded guilty to criminally negligent homicide for strangling his wife to death with a telephone cord while fucking her. Rough sex sometimes unravels into something worse, and—BOOM! There you are cleaning your cellmate's toilet seat with your toothbrush.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Famous People Who've Allegedly Died During Sex

    Apart from their immediate family members, NO ONE REALLY CARES when an anonymous dirtball peasant dies during sex. The story might be good for a few days' worth of chuckles, but ultimately any person who trudged through life as a nobody will become even more of a nobody upon their expiration. The cruel, lacerating fact is that they don't exist anymore, and within a few years, there will be strong doubts as to whether they existed in the first place.

    We are Americans. We only care about the celebrities. And so it goes that when someone dies during sex, we only really care if the victim enjoyed some measure of fame and/or power in the years preceding that fateful day when their heart gave out before their rocks got off.

    As with death during sex cases among the hoi polloi, nearly all of the following incidents among the rich-and-famous are alleged.

    Unless YOU were having sex with Attila the Hun at the moment he died, you can't really be sure that's what killed him, now can you? What's generally accepted is that the barbarian conqueror died while partyin' hard during his wedding night. Whether it was rough sex or, as is more commonly alleged, a nasal hemorrhage that took his life was a secret which probably died with his betrothed, a saucy German maiden named Ildiko.

    There are likewise rumors that the Prophet Muhammad, CEO of Islam, died while engaged in sex with an underaged girl. It is said that the disciples and wives who discovered his body were startled to find that his penis was still hard. This is undoubtedly a viciously untrue rumor started by the infidel foes of Islam, and I'm saying this only because I have enough enemies and don't really need some terrorist camel jockeys launching a personal jihad on my ass.

    Five Catholic popes are said to have croaked while in the act: Leo VII (936–939), John XII (955–963), Leo VIII (963–964), John XIII (965–72), and Paul II (1467–1471). The latter was thought to have been strangled by his partner, but I could find no evidence whether said partner was a chick or a dude.

    A popular anti-czarist myth claims that Russia's Catherine the Great (1762–1796) was crushed to death under a horse while having sex with it. What's more likely is that she died on the toilet of a cerebral hemorrhage while straining to poop.

    In 1899, France's president Felix Faure died while receiving a blowjob from an eager jeune fille. The woman went into shock when she realized he died, then suffered lockjaw and had to be rushed to the hospital in order to pry her mouth from the dead president's penis.

    Some historians believe that the deaths of U.S. Presidents Warren G. Harding in 1923 and Franklin Delano Roosevelt in 1945 were also due to fellation from frisky femmes fatales. It is commonly believed that Nelson Rockefeller, Secret Leader of the World, died while fucking his mistress in 1979.

    Greasily dashing Hollywood B&W era actor-studs John Garfield and Errol Flynn are believed to have expired in mid-hump, as is film director Ernst Lubitsch, who directed classics such as Ninotchka and Heaven Can Wait. In Lubitsch's case, heaven couldn't even wait until he shot his load. Lubitsch died while having sex with a prostitute.

    Once-brilliant/ now-deceased comic Richard Pryor 's father met the same fate, ironically in the same brothel where Pryor's mother worked. Curly-haired actor Matthew McConaughey has claimed that his own father died while mom and dad were doin' it.

    Super-buff martial-arts star Bruce Lee is said to have died while having sex with a spunky li'l Hong Kong lotus blossom.

    The pop-music world writhed in pain and agony in 1997 when it was announced that Michael Hutchence, singer of INXS, was found hanging by the neck in a closet. His death was widely reported as a suicide, but his girlfriend Paula Yates claimed that Hutchence was a practitioner of autoerotic asphyxiation and probably died accidentally while pleasuring himself. Yates later killed herself.

    And although cocaine was initially blamed for the 2002 heart attack of The Who's bassist John Entwistle, it was later reported that his ticker blew while he was rutting a stripper.

    Copyright © 2017 Jim Goad  ::  The World's Bravest Man

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