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    jimgoad.net :: the world's worst dictators

    The World's Worst Dictators

    Can the world, for Christ's fucking sake, just get OVER Adolf Hitler once and for all? In the first place, he was SOOO 20th Century, and the last time I checked my wristwatch, we were a good nueve años into the 21st. And if you want to gauge a dictator's "Evil Factor" by how many corpses he left in his wake, Hitler wasn't even the champeen of his own century.

    I'm not sure who doesn't want you to know this (well, I have a creeping suspicion, but it's considered dangerous to even suggest it without getting zapped by a cattle prod), but the most conservative estimates have Josef Stalin out-killing Hitler by at least five million and possibly as many as 20 million, while China's chubby-cheeked Mao Zedong blew both peckerwoods out of the water by slaughtering an estimated 40 to 77 million of his own countrymen.

    But if we keep focusing on those scrubs from the past, we risk ignoring actual bad men doing actual bad things today. And if you BABIES keep spitting the silver spoon out of your mouths by endlessly going wah-wah-wah about America, you ignore the fact that it's far worse almost everywhere else across the globe. So in the spirit of earnest inquiry, I present to you 20 dictators who are acting like assholes as I speak. And just so you don't suffer too much "Hitler withdrawal," I've tried to find pictures of them in some variation of the "Sieg Heil" pose.


    1. Kim Jong-Il

    Country He Dictates: North Korea

    Crime Against Humanity: Hasn't sent his mom a Mother's Day card for the past seven years.

     


    2. Alexander Lukashenko

    Country He Dictates: Belarus

    Crime Against Humanity: Owns three cats but only changes their litter box twice a month.

     


    3. Robert Mugabe

    Country He Dictates: Zimbabwe

    Crime Against Humanity: Has never returned a Blockbuster DVD on time.

     


    4. Hugo Chavez

    Country He Dictates: Venezuela

    Crime Against Humanity: Makes right turns without flashing his turn signal.

     


    5. Raul Castro

    Country He Dictates: Cuba

    Crime Against Humanity: Once said "yes" when his girlfriend asked him if she looked fat in her dress.

     


    6. Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow

    Country He Dictates: Turkmenistan

    Crime Against Humanity: Farted in public elevators and blamed his bodyguard.

     


    7. Than Shwe

    Country He Dictates: Myanmar

    Crime Against Humanity: Takes two (and sometimes three) papers from the newspaper box when he only paid for one.

     


    8. Sayyid Ali Khamenei

    Country He Dictates: Iran

    Crime Against Humanity: Routinely steals bath towels from hotels and then doesn't even use them.

     


    9. Idriss Deby

    Country He Dictates: Chad

    Crime Against Humanity: Has never in his life put the toilet seat down after using it.

     


    10. Omar al-Bashir

    Country He Dictates: Sudan

    Crime Against Humanity: Steals French fries from friends' plates when they go to the bathroom.

     


    11. Bernard Makuza

    Country He Dictates: Rwanda

    Crime Against Humanity: Holds loud cell-phone conversations in the movie theater.

     


    12. Isaias Afewerki

    Country He Dictates: Eritrea

    Crime Against Humanity: Rarely chips in when his buddies decide to get a few six-packs.

     


    13. Muammar Qaddafi

    Country He Dictates: Libya

    Crime Against Humanity: Once used a fake name during an online chat session.

     


    14. Islam Karimov

    Country He Dictates: Uzbekistan

    Crime Against Humanity: Always peeks in the medicine cabinet when he's visiting friends.

     


    15. Hu Jintao

    Country He Dictates: China

    Crime Against Humanity: Never hesitates to take the last donut or slice of cake at a party.

     


    16. King Mswati III

    Country He Dictates: Swaziland

    Crime Against Humanity: Still owes his friend ten bucks from when the Broncos won the Super Bowl.

     


    17. Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo

    Country He Dictates: Equatorial Guinea

    Crime Against Humanity: Will wear the same shirt three or four days in a row.

     


    18. Ernest Bai Koroma

    Country He Dictates: Sierra Leone

    Crime Against Humanity: Neglected to report over 300 dollars' worth of income in 2003.

     


    19. Meles Zenawi

    Country He Dictates: Ethiopia

    Crime Against Humanity: Feeds off a neighbor's wireless connection for his laptop and hasn't once offered to pay him.

     


    20. King Abdullah

    Country He Dictates: Saudi Arabia

    Crime Against Humanity: Has frequently slipped more than a dozen items through the "10 Items or Less" aisle.

     


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