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jimgoad.net :: the world's worst dictators
The World's Worst Dictators
Can the world, for Christ's fucking sake, just get OVER Adolf Hitler once and for all? In the first place, he was SOOO 20th Century, and the last time I checked my wristwatch, we were a good nueve años into the 21st. And if you want to gauge a dictator's "Evil Factor" by how many corpses he left in his wake, Hitler wasn't even the champeen of his own century.
I'm not sure who doesn't want you to know this (well, I have a creeping suspicion, but it's considered dangerous to even suggest it without getting zapped by a cattle prod), but the most conservative estimates have Josef Stalin out-killing Hitler by at least five million and possibly as many as 20 million, while China's chubby-cheeked Mao Zedong blew both peckerwoods out of the water by slaughtering an estimated 40 to 77 million of his own countrymen.
But if we keep focusing on those scrubs from the past, we risk ignoring actual bad men doing actual bad things today. And if you BABIES keep spitting the silver spoon out of your mouths by endlessly going wah-wah-wah about America, you ignore the fact that it's far worse almost everywhere else across the globe. So in the spirit of earnest inquiry, I present to you 20 dictators who are acting like assholes as I speak. And just so you don't suffer too much "Hitler withdrawal," I've tried to find pictures of them in some variation of the "Sieg Heil" pose.
1. Kim Jong-Il
Country He Dictates: North Korea
Crime Against Humanity: Hasn't sent his mom a Mother's Day card for the past seven years.
2. Alexander Lukashenko
Country He Dictates: Belarus
Crime Against Humanity: Owns three cats but only changes their litter box twice a month.
3. Robert Mugabe
Country He Dictates: Zimbabwe
Crime Against Humanity: Has never returned a Blockbuster DVD on time.
4. Hugo Chavez
Country He Dictates: Venezuela
Crime Against Humanity: Makes right turns without flashing his turn signal.
5. Raul Castro
Country He Dictates: Cuba
Crime Against Humanity: Once said "yes" when his girlfriend asked him if she looked fat in her dress.
6. Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow
Country He Dictates: Turkmenistan
Crime Against Humanity: Farted in public elevators and blamed his bodyguard.
7. Than Shwe
Country He Dictates: Myanmar
Crime Against Humanity: Takes two (and sometimes three) papers from the newspaper box when he only paid for one.
8. Sayyid Ali Khamenei
Country He Dictates: Iran
Crime Against Humanity: Routinely steals bath towels from hotels and then doesn't even use them.
9. Idriss Deby
Country He Dictates: Chad
Crime Against Humanity: Has never in his life put the toilet seat down after using it.
10. Omar al-Bashir
Country He Dictates: Sudan
Crime Against Humanity: Steals French fries from friends' plates when they go to the bathroom.
11. Bernard Makuza
Country He Dictates: Rwanda
Crime Against Humanity: Holds loud cell-phone conversations in the movie theater.
12. Isaias Afewerki
Country He Dictates: Eritrea
Crime Against Humanity: Rarely chips in when his buddies decide to get a few six-packs.
13. Muammar Qaddafi
Country He Dictates: Libya
Crime Against Humanity: Once used a fake name during an online chat session.
14. Islam Karimov
Country He Dictates: Uzbekistan
Crime Against Humanity: Always peeks in the medicine cabinet when he's visiting friends.
15. Hu Jintao
Country He Dictates: China
Crime Against Humanity: Never hesitates to take the last donut or slice of cake at a party.
16. King Mswati III
Country He Dictates: Swaziland
Crime Against Humanity: Still owes his friend ten bucks from when the Broncos won the Super Bowl.
17. Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo
Country He Dictates: Equatorial Guinea
Crime Against Humanity: Will wear the same shirt three or four days in a row.
18. Ernest Bai Koroma
Country He Dictates: Sierra Leone
Crime Against Humanity: Neglected to report over 300 dollars' worth of income in 2003.
19. Meles Zenawi
Country He Dictates: Ethiopia
Crime Against Humanity: Feeds off a neighbor's wireless connection for his laptop and hasn't once offered to pay him.
20. King Abdullah
Country He Dictates: Saudi Arabia
Crime Against Humanity: Has frequently slipped more than a dozen items through the "10 Items or Less" aisle.