Well, asshole, it's just you and me out here in cyberspace...
...and still it feels crowded.
I have my limits, you know. The thought of you groping my soul via the miracle of telecommunications is almost too much to bear. You and I are only two intestinal bacteria along the electronic colon. I just happen to be a much prettier, more intelligent bacterium than you are.
My name is Jim Goad. I spend most of the day shaving my head and waiting near the phone. This year I've released a book (THE REDNECK MANIFESTO) and a CD (BIG RED GOAD: TRUCK-DRIVIN' PSYCHO). I also ran over some people with my car, but that's another story.
Apart from a burgeoning career as a talk-radio hatemonger and my better-known financial dalliances in offshore investments, I've lately diversified into real-estate speculation and commodity futures. While I bark orders into my cell phone, the money keeps rolling in. I'm blessed.
But not only am I prosperous, I strain my body to the peak of physical fitness. Like Madonna, I work out at least three hours a day. I'm a long-distance runner who trains with steel weights. I stretch until I scream with pain. I dose my bloodstream with megavitamins and enjoy a hi-protein, lo-fat diet. I practice several ancient Eastern breathing techniques and always inspect my bowel movements for texture and size.
Although I don't like you, I've never had any argument with your money. So buy my products. Support my self-indulgent lifestyle of unrelenting fitness and arrogant prosperity. I give you so much more than you could ever hope to have by yourself. Open up your wallet, pull out the contents, and send it all to me. I can even arrange for Direct Deposit. I need the cash more than you do. I have the ideas, you have the money. Let's deal.
The words on The Goad Abode home page work as clickable links, as does the underlined yellow text below. The fact that I feel the need to explain this to you is proof that I don't assume you're very bright.
THE REDNECK MANIFESTO: Excerpts and reviews from my book-length defense of white trash.
BIG RED GOAD: Liner notes and sound samples from my new truck-drivin' CD.
THE LADIES' ROOM: The sexiest nude and semi-nude bitches on the WWW.
PLUS: Five articles written by Yours Truly and published outside of ANSWER Me!
NETJERK ARCHIVES...A documented history of my obsessive Usenet flame wars.
RACE WAR 2000...A fun CD of racially themed soundbites and programmed noise.
SHIT MAGNET...My premature autobiography in which I explain why it's the world, not me, who should apologize. Individual chapters will be devoted to the Bellingham obscenity saga involving ANSWER Me! #4, the story of the guy who shot at the White House and quoted ANSWER Me! #2 in his intended suicide note, and the three British youths who killed themselves and sent me their life's savings. Several startling revelations and candid confessions--some of them TOO HOT FOR THE NET--will round out this slam-bang, feel-good package!
Goad to Hell Enterprises
PO Box XXXXX, Portland, OR XXXXX USA
SHOOT E-MAIL AT ME