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For Sale on eBay: The Holocaust!


Did you hear me?
I'll repeat it six million times if I have to.
Considering the fact that we're incessantly ass-pumped with headlines about the D.C. museum shooting and Obama visiting Buchenwald and Holocaust "deniers" being jailed for thought crimes, you'd think it'd be fucking HARD to forget.
Apparently not. So DON'T FORGET.
And even though "technically" it didn't happen in America and "technically" no one who's reading this was alive when it happened, this doesn't mean all Americans shouldn't feel deeply guilty and ashamed about it, and it doesn't mean they shouldn't be forced to pay taxes to erect one multimillion-dollar remembrance shrine after the next.
Fuck the 22 million Russians and 7.2 million Germans and three million Poles. Fuck the millions of other victims of the Nazi death camps. Fuck the 420,000 Americans who died in that war, too. Fuck the nearly half-million Brits who perished and ESPECIALLY fuck the more than half-million Frogs who croaked. Many of you probably didn't even know about them, which makes them that much easier to forget.
I already forget why we were in Vietnam and what Watergate was all about, but I WILL NOT FORGET the Holocaust.
And nothing helps a man remember something better than a souvenir. Nothing spruces up an overpriced, rat-infested, toxin-coated Williamsburg hipster matchbox apartment more than Holocaust memorabilia.
I searched the word "Holocaust" on eBay, which yielded over 1,700 results. Many items were for stupid gore movies and brain-damaged metal bands. Many were related to other historical atrocities that arrogant, unfeeling upstarts incorrectly chose to label a "holocaust." Many others were links to books written by "Holocaust survivors," who at times seem to number at least six million.
I've chosen a dozen listings—one for each of Christ’s apostles, who I’m guessing were all Jewish. This should be more than enough to festoon your crib with one morbid, depressing, ghastly, carcinogenic image after the next. Sit around and look at all the dead people. Ponder all the torture. Look straight into death's eyeballs on a daily basis. I guarantee you'll feel better for it.

1. LISTING TITLE: WW2 Holocaust Jewish Homosexual armband
 “You are bidding on a reproduction Jewish armband of a Homosexual, from the Holocaust. These were made for a movie in Poland. Pink star of David, denotes a Homosexual Jew. Made of cotton/linen, it is ‘aged’ to look like it has seen some wear. A nice edition [sic] to anyone's collection.”
I hate to out-fag everyone, but didn’t homos have to wear pink TRIANGLES instead of Stars of David? Does the pair of overlapping triangles mean this person was TWICE as faggy as your average flit?

2. LISTING TITLE: '74 Corrie Ten Boom Holocaust Tramp For Lord Book EX NR
According to the listing's description, this book’s curiously named author is a "Dutch Christian Holocaust survivor...who along with her family helped many Jews hide from Nazi SS occupation of the Netherlands during World War…and who eventually was sent to Scheveningen prison [as well as] Vught and Ravensbruck concentration camps in Germany."
But LOOK at the fucking mug on this hag. Even if you were in a concentration camp starving for pussy, would you tap this? I think the Lord needs to get some better tramps.

3. LISTING TITLE: 70lbs Each, Concentration Camp - WWII Holocaust Photo
 “These Russian, Polish, and Dutch slave laborers interned at the Buchenwald concentration camp averaged 160 pounds each prior to entering camp 11 months ago. Their average weight is now 70 pounds. Germany, April 16, 1945.”
It doesn’t specify whether or not they’re Jewish, so I’m not sure whether these guys count. Emaciation tends to accentuate one’s nose, so this is a tough call. But I’d feel like a fucking anti-Semite if I didn’t frame this photo, place it over my dinner table, and ogle that one dude’s scabby, bony ass for the rest of my life.

4. LISTING TITLE: Aleksander Kulisiewicz - Nazi Holocaust Prison Songs LP
 “Kulisiewicz, the performer on this record, was a prisoner in the Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp from 1939-1945. During his cruel internment, he composed 50 songs about his horrific experience. Gifted with an immense capacity of memory, Aleksander ‘noted’ all of these compositions in his head, without the use of any paper. … He then devoted the rest of his life to preserving and performing these folk songs ‘from the bottom of hell’. This very powerful record contains 16 of his own compositions and songs he collected, all done with very sparse accompaniment, giving it a highly ‘genuine’ feel (for lack of a better word) of the power of this music under the horrific experience of the Holocaust.”
File this one under “Party Music."

5. LISTING TITLE: Art Poster Print Holocaust
 “This signed art print is created from original oil on canvas painting. The original painting was created in 1996. The painting is called Holocaust. In this painting people are reaching for the Start [sic] of David (reaching to their religion) so it can help them to survive the horrors of the Holocaust. A women [sic] is looking at them – a mother, a sister or a wife – with the tears and a sorrow on her face.”
I want this one in my son’s playroom.

6. LISTING TITLE: Da Holocaust - Concentration Camp II (CD 1998)
“Likening the cruelty of ghetto life to another more famous genocide, Concentration Camp II wins the award for attention-grabbing names hands down. Their album, the also shockingly titled DA HOLOCAUST is a hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners look at the fast-paced gangsta life. The group favors light, percussive beats and funky instrumental accompaniment to bass-heavy backing tracks, while their vocal approach is a family affair--voices trading off non-stop in a dizzying display of collective skills.”
This serves as proof that all the lesser-known genocides are “player-haters” who resent the Jewish Holocaust for being more “famous."

7. LISTING TITLE: David Olere School of Paris Watercolor Nude Holocaust
"A work of art by the Jewish Polish born artist David Olere. ...He was later interned for nearly 2 years at Auschwitz during the Holocaust. He is most known for his gruesome depictions of Auschwitz and is known as the witness of Auschwitz. He is known as the only professional artist from Auschwitz. I tried most unsuccessfully to find pieces from his period in Paris and this is the only one I know of. It is a gorgeous nude on a colorful rug."
No two words in the English language go together better than "nude" and "Holocaust."


8. LISTING TITLE: Gambia - Holocaust Remembrance 8 Stamp Sheet - GAM0718
Backed by an attractive “Arbeit Macht Frei” watermark, this 2007 sheet of stamps commemorates all the Gambians who were intimately involved in the Holocaust…or something.


9. LISTING TITLE: I Was a Child of Holocaust Survivors by Bernice Eisenstein
 “Children of Holocaust survivors carry an unusual burden, but you don't come across many who consider their status a form of ‘cachet’ that they can ‘socially trade on.’ Yet not only does Eisenstein freely admit to just that, she does it with an eloquent irreverence and a blend of self-absorption and self-awareness that make her debut captivating.”
Sight-unseen, I’ll give this a positive review. This yenta knows where her bread is buttered. I wish I could claim “Holocaust cachet,” but history has denied me that privilege.

 “Auschwitz-Birkenau …camp commandant, Rudolf Hoess, testified at the Nuremberg Trials that up to 3 million people had died at Auschwitz. The Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum has revised this figure to 1.1 million….”
OK, this death-toll-downgrading sort of fucks up the magical, mystical, hypnosis-inducing “6 million” figure, but let’s juggle some numbers and balance the sheets. We can count some Gypsies and Irishmen as Jews if it helps. What the fuck would the official museum at Auschwitz know about this, anyway?

The title says it all. Goodness = fagility.

12. LISTING TITLE: Vintage Jewish Painting Drawing Signed Holocaust FRUITS
 “Gita Eidelstein was born in Poland. She was an [sic] Holocaust survivor....Most of Gita Eidelstein paintings are in memory of the members of the Eidelstein families whose lives were lost in the Holocaust.”
I’m guessing what we’re seeing here is a selection of fresh fruit the Nazis wouldn’t allow her to eat.