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The Catholic Church Fucked With My Head

And Left My Body Alone

The popping sound you hear is the Catholic Church imploding after pulling its dick from millions of boy-asses over the past two millennia.

I shed no tears. I’m glad the chicken-hawks have come home to roost. I was raised Catholic in the Philly ‘burbs. I endured twelve years of Catholic schooling, the merciless Sisters of Mercy slapping the shit out of my young pink face just as they’d torn the Brylcreemed hair out of my older brother’s skull years earlier, their grey old pruny clit-mouths screaming that Jesus would rain eternal hellfire down on me for daring to ever question their authority. From my experience, the nuns were far crueler than the priests. I never heard any whispers of nuns or priests in my grade school diddling any of the kids, but it was only the nuns who were verbally vicious and physically violent. And although sexual abuse by priests has been making headlines for more than a decade, you never hear about sexual abuse by nuns unless someone such as me writes about it.

It wasn’t until high school that I encountered a priest who gave the nuns a run for their money in terms of jaw-dropping arrogance and cruelty.

When colon cancer picked my father's bones clean in the New Wave summer of '79, me and the surviving Goads sat in the front pew at Holy Cross Church in Springfield, PA, for his funeral mass.

The parish chose Father Richard Jones to recite the mass. Father Jones taught at my high school and was always hugging you and mussing your hair every chance he got. He had a Barbasol smell to him that could have been alcohol vapors. He ran the local Catholic Charismatic Renewal meetings, an odd movement where ex-hippies, drifters, and even normal fat church people would play folk guitars and speak in tongues and fall to the ground under the bitchin' force of the Holy Spirit. They used to hold their psycho glossolalia-fests in an old building on the cemetery grounds where my father was about to be buried.

But this was a standard funeral mass, and the time came for Father Jones to deliver his eulogy. I don't remember specifics, but the essence of his sermon was that my father, Al Goad, was not a good man. For what seemed like ten minutes, Father Jones hammered on the idea that my father was a despicable weasel.

We Goads sat in our front-row pew, incredulous. This was possibly the rudest thing I've ever witnessed. If you didn't think he was a good man, let your stupid God decide. This dumb fucking ritual is for the family's benefit, not yours. As we rode to the cemetery in our rented limo, my sister Chris was crying and cursing Father Jones, while my brother John stared stonily ahead without saying a word.

In 2006, I received an email from a guy who grew up on the same block as me. He said Father Jones and a slew of other local pastoral celebs had been getting popped for sex crimes. Here's the poop on Father Jones, straight from the inestimable Delaware County [PA] Times:

One [plaintiff] alleges he was abused by the Rev. Richard G. Jones, a former religion teacher at Cardinal O’Hara High School....

In his lawsuit, Christopher charges that when he first reported the alleged sexual abuse to archdiocesan officials around 1988, he was told by them that reporting the abuse to criminal authorities "would not be the Christian thing to do."

In the lawsuit Christopher also alleges he was told by archdiocesan officials that they were not responsible for the conduct of a priest in the archdiocese because he is "an independent contractor."

The lawsuit charges that Jones "coerced" Christopher to live with him. He said fondling also occurred in a confessional at Cardinal O'Hara High School.

The lawsuit also states that Jones told fellow priests and other people that Christopher was his "adopted son" and that he convinced Christopher fondling one another was a sign of trust. The lawsuit alleges that Jones then proceeded to rape and sodomize Christopher over three years. Jones allegedly took Christopher on vacations and retreats to Maryland, New Jersey and Massachusetts and later, around age 18, inducted the plaintiff into a "charismatic community" of priests and laypersons that promoted homosexual and pedophilic behavior.

I don’t know what became of the lawsuit, only that Father Jones is now “laicized,” defrocked, and probably never spent a day in jail nor a penny of his own money to compensate his accuser. Another friend from the old church recently contacted me to say that multiple other males eventually stepped forward accusing Father Jones of sexual improprieties.

So I’m glad what’s happening to the Catholic Church. Even though I was never deemed cute enough to molest, they fucked with my head to the point where I enjoy gloating about their demise.

Now if we could only spread the blame around and acknowledge that whenever someone in authority claims that God is on their side, they’ll likely use that as an excuse to fuck you literally and figuratively.

This also applies to rabbis, but you don't hear so much about that because of, ahem, the media.

And Muslims—well, they’ve been boy-fuckers from the get-go.