new virus targets jerks, assholes
There are millions and billions and skadillions of different viral infections which can afflict the human animal. Just like people, they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. And even though they might come on strong, smell nice, and seem even charming at first, these microscopic critters are NOT your friends.
Yet despite the implications of that almost entirely unnecessary first paragraph, scientists in Del Mar Boca Vista, CA, have isolated a new virus which MAY prove to be a welcome friend of all mankind—that is, except for the jerks and assholes.
"It's uncanny," muses Edna Bursitis, a singularly unattractive middle-aged virologist with a grey ponytail, John Denver glasses, and a long black hair jutting from a wart on her cheek. "This new viral strain, which we're tentatively calling the Haskell Virus, is highly contagious, yet it's completely harmless to most people. In a normal human metabolism, the virus is unable to survive for more than a few seconds. However, it's positively lethal to all the jackbones, jayholes, and jerkasaurii who make daily life so unpleasant."
"But how does it know how to progress into the lethal stage only among hosts who are jerks and assholes?" I ask her, hoping she comes up with something clever before midnight and I miss another diary entry.
"That's what we can't figure out," she says, rubbing her legs like a cricket. "Like I said, it's uncanny. You won't find any cans in it at all."
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You'll hear a new Sweet Gene sound sample every day when this page loads.
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Today's choice for greatest rock band ever.
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Still no evidence of racial equality.
