cupid busted on sex charges
Since the days of the Roman Empire, Cupid was thought to be a lovable winged angel who brought couples together under the giant pink umbrella of love. Now, if police are to be believed, there is a reason that the supposedly asexual cherub has been pairing couples together—a dark, filthy, sinister reason:
He likes to watch.
Cupid, whose full name is Cupid Lee Kostaneski, is actually thought to be two thousand or so years old, but due to a rare congenital human-growth hormone condition called Gary Coleman’s Syndrome, he merely looks young. Acting on a tip, police recently raided his studio apartment in Davenport, Iowa, and found hundreds of surreptitiously filmed videotapes, all of them depicting graphic sexual acts between couples he’d supposedly matched.
They also found shoeboxes filled with hundreds of pornographic photographs dating back as far as one hundred years, as well as several copies of the now-defunct SFX magazine. They promptly arrested him and placed him behind bars pending trial.
“My client is innocent and is facing discrimination merely because he’s unusual-looking,” said Cupid’s lawyer, Shlomo Yisrael Jewison. Fearing reprisals from other inmates, Jewison has successfully petitioned the jail to place Cupid in the Protective Custody cellblock. “Small winged nude men charged with sex crimes don’t mix well with the general jail population,” Jewison says.
Jewison put me in contact with Cupid, who refused to answer my questions about the case. Instead, he asked me whether I had a girlfriend. When I responded in the affirmative, he asked several probing questions that escalated in their intrusiveness.
“We were, you know, doing it,” says Delphine Rhombus, the state’s primary witness against Cupid, “and I heard a loud thumping sound against my bedroom window. It turns out that Cupid was up on a ladder filming us, and the ladder had fallen over. My boyfriend ran out of the house and pinned Cupid’s little ass on the ground while I called the cops.”
Rhombus describes Cupid as having a firm, round posterior and an extraordinarily tiny penis. “I figured that when he hooked us up, his job was finished,” she says. “I didn’t figure that he was gonna wanna watch. I used to think he was lovable. Now I just think he’s an ordinary sex pervert. I thought he cared about us as people and really wanted us to fall in love; it turns out that all he wanted was to watch us do it. That’s gross. When you think about it, what the hell would this weird little nude guy with arrows and wings know about sexual and emotional compatibility? I don’t think he’s ever had a girlfriend, so why is he a so-called ‘expert’ in matchmaking? From now on, I’m gonna stick with eHarmony.com.”
Prosecutor Rod Underhand is charging Cupid with an array of crimes: Trespassing, Felony Stalking, Illegal Use of a Videocamera for Dirty Reasons, and Possession of a Deadly Weapon (his famous bow and arrow). Underhand is recommending a 415,000-year sentence with the possibility of parole after 300,000 years.
“I would take great pleasure at the idea of him suffering like an animal in a cage for the rest of his life,” Underhand says. “In fact, it wouldn’t bother me one bit if he were murdered in prison.”
“Well, isn’t that just a little bit sadistic?” I ask him. “Even more sadistic than anything Cupid is accused of doing? After all, he’s only charged with watching people enjoy themselves. You just claimed you’d enjoy watching someone suffer for years. That seems even more twisted to me than Cupid’s alleged crimes.”
“Yes, but it’s legal,” Underhand replies.
“Explain how that makes a difference,” I demand. “It’s legal to stuff humans in cages and take cowardly, detached delight in their prolonged suffering?”
“It’s the very foundation of our legal system,” he says. “As long as it’s legal, we don’t have to worry whether it’s sick or wrong. As long as we can prove that they did something wrong first, then whatever we do to them is automatically not wrong.”
“But I thought that two wrongs don’t make a right,” I counter.
“Only criminals believe that,” Underhand says.
