Sunday, April 16, 2006
We on the East Coast have finally freed our gnarled ankles from winter's cold steel bear trap. Today was so gloriously warm and wondrous, with flora belching forth pollen and fauna leaping around as if they were on Spring Break, it's as if Tom Sawyer had a bucketful of sunshine and the whole world was a wooden fence he'd been forced to paint.
One by one, the woodland creatures shook off their cold winter's nap and ventured out into the golden sunlight. And one by one, they ran straight under the tires of gas-guzzling Pennsylvanians who squashed them dead on their way to Easter services. Although I hadn't spotted a single martyred roadside animal for months, this morning I encountered three bloody roadkill scenes within a mile of leaving our decadent rural manse.
I also stumbled upon the sad specter of a giant teddy bear smashed face-down into a trash receptacle. As daffodils dotted the PA countryside's rolling hills...as the sun spurted forth a massive money shot's worth of life-giving Vitamin D upon our pasty grey skin...as the faithful convened to celebrate the alleged resurrection of a delusional Jewish masochist...I was greeted with an unending Death Train of dead animals, both real and manmade.
While breezing past the safe, clean vapors of a nearby nuclear power plant, I thanked whatever God created both me and the dead animals that it was I who remained alive rather than the animals. And though I wish a bounteous, coconut-egg-laden Easter upon you and yours, I'll do everything within my power to ensure that I last longer than you do.
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